rediscovering jetta

That's a Wrap!

2011-12-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays!

We say it every year...but WOW! This year really did fly by! So much has happened. So much has changed. Life is crazy and fun and busy beyond what I ever imagined.

The fact that my last post was October 16th has been weighing on my heart. After Gabe was born, I contemplated shutting my blog down - but for some reason I thought I would be able to continue to write posts. I worried that I wouldn't have the motivation or the inspiration. That I would have nothing of value to say. It never really dawned on me that I quite simply, wouldn't have the time.

This blog has been incredibly therapeutic to me over the last two years. I still ocassionally find myself reading some of my earlier posts. It has been quite a journey. The reality is - the rediscovery of me is ongoing. Its supposed to be that way. When I originally started the blog - I used my fat as the "reason" I was writing. While I may have been overweight - the ultimate healing came, not in the weight loss, but in the discovery of what makes me happy.

Yes - I lost a TON of weight. I am really proud of that. YES. I have baby weight to lose, and it will take a while. I get discouraged by that sometimes, but the good news is that I don't weigh 300 pounds this time, so starting over isn't really starting over. That makes me feel better. The weight loss healed my body in a way I never imagined it would - by allowing me to have a baby. Trust me, I never saw that coming.

It's time to be done. My biggest victories can be summarized in a few pictures from blogs over the last 2 years. I hope you enjoy. I thank you for reading. Happy 2012 to you and your families...Heal your heart and find your happy...

switching gears

2011-10-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

My heart for this blog was always for it to be a place to talk about my weight loss journey and the emotions, struggles and victories that came with it.

The blog switched gears slightly when I found out I was pregnant with my surprise bundle o' love.

I have used the blog recently to post in an effort to relieve my heart as I wade through the seemingly endless maze that is my postpartum depression.

After Gabriel was born, I have struggled with my post-baby body, as I am sure most women do after having a baby. I tried to give myself grace while I was nursing, but going back to work required the ever popular pumping in order to continue "nursing" my baby. Giving Gabe breast milk was a priority for me because I wasn't able to do the same for Isaac (for various reasons) and Hope because she was adopted.

I am done nursing now; and as my hormones attempt to level themselves out, I have trying to get going on getting my body back. I haven't been very successful yet. It's not for lack of exercise. I have figured out a way to fit in some pretty hardcore workouts. I have to say though, it is frustrating to work that hard, and hurt for days after, only to have my jeans feel tighter. Can I get an AMEN?

Fortunately, on Friday, when I was crying in my closet over the lack of clothing options I could squeeze my awkward post-baby body into, I realized something. This isn't about whether or not I work out hard enough. It's all about what I eat.

Ok. I know. DUH.

I don't know why it takes me so long to catch on. But let me tell you - this is actually a little bigger than just what I eat. What I have learned over that last several years, is that even though I am not "officially" a diabetic, my body is healthiest when I live as though I am. I have always been on the verge. I have always been considered pre-diabetic, but with my diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes during my pregnancy, I have increased the chances that I will eventually and officially be a Diabetic.

So, here's my plan. I am prepping, and researching and shopping and strategizing my new mission. My mission...(I have already chosen to accept it) is to live my life with the purpose of preventing diabetes. This will essentially require me to live life as if I have already been diagnosed. As an added bonus, I know that my body will respond by dropping this dang baby weight.

I am still in the prepping and research stage. I am hoping to start the shopping phase later this week. I am planning to blog my findings, feeling, victories and struggles just like always. I am new to this, so if anyone has any helpful, verified information I can use - please feel free to pass it along.

I am excited and kind of scared, but this is necessary and hopefully it will help others. So...

Ready. Set. Here I Go!

I get that alot...

2011-10-14T11:16:00.000-07:00

"I don't know how you do it..."

I get that alot.

I am not sure what peoples perception of me is. I used to care. I'm not sure I do anymore. That being said, I am fairly certain my world considers me Wonder Woman. I used be fine, running around doing everything, planning everything...I used to be able to do all of that. Plus find time for me, and my kids, my hubby and my friends.

I don't know what changed. But I can't do it anymore.

Don't be impressed by me because I am barely holding it together. Those close to me may even argue that I am not holding it together. I just appear to be. I think those "appearances" can be so damaging. Not just to the person putting on the one-man-show, but to those that are watching. The perception that any one person has IT all together is exactly what creates the endless cycle of attempting perfection.

I guarantee you. Perfection is impossible.

Here's my reality.

I am a full time mom and wife who also happens to have a full time job outside of the home. I have 3 beautiful kids who I can't get enough of. For real. We don't get enough time together.
In order to maximize my time with family I:
1. Pay to have my house cleaned.
2. Pay to have my groceries delivered.
3. Pay to have someone watch my kids.
4. Pay to park. Pay to drive.

My cost is great. I don't mean the money. Change is coming. It has to. So many things are suffering while I run around like a crazy person trying to keep it all together. I may very well collapse before any changes are made...

Spinning out of control.

2011-09-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like that? Like your life has a mind of it's own? Like you need hold on for dear life or it might just throw you off the ride?

That's me right now. Actually, I think Chad would agree - that's US right now.

I knew that having another child would make life complicated. I just truly had no idea how complicated the logistics of 3 kids and 2 working parents could be. Not to mention, how expensive. Why do I work? Oh right...medical insurance... the chance for a good life...paying for college, braces, sports, 401k blah blah blah. What about my sanity? Isn't that worth anything? Apparently not.

I know I am not alone in this. Every working parent out there knows how I feel.

Up at 4:30. Get myself ready. Get kids ready. Drive kids to school. Drive myself to work. Work my butt off. Drive home. Make dinner. Football. Swimming. Clean kitchen. Homework. Bedtimes. Crash. Repeat. OMG!!!!!

Seriously?? I didn't even mention laundry, grocery shopping, snuggle time or anything else that really matters.

All of that said - we find the strength to do it all again. Everyday.

It's the little things.

Like standing in the doorway watching your baby sleep.

Or seeing your daughter climb into her daddy's lap to snuggle.

Or your 9 year old hugging you and telling you "your the best mommy ever."

Yeah. Totally worth it.

so this is life??

2011-07-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

So here I am.

The baby is born (and 4 months old now!)

I have gone back to work - and survived it. Barely. It still breaks my heart daily and I spend every free second trying to come up with a way for me to stay home with him.

Life is settling in. For the most part. I haven't figured out where exercise fits in my day. I did great while I was still on maternity leave - but now that I work, the logistics of my day leave me exhausted.

Breastfeeding may burn hundreds of extra calories - which I am fairly certain I consume with all the sugary foods I crave (damn you Starbucks for introducing the Birthday Cake Pop!)

I worked hard during my pregnancy, and I am proud that my weight gain didn't get out of hand, but it's hard to look at what my body is now, and remember what it was before Gabe. Will it ever be that again? How will I find the time to get back to that?

Every once in a while, I consider giving up nursing so that I can get back to my extreme dieting - but my heart isn't ready for that. I guess my option for now, is to be okay with my post-baby, pleasantly plump, body. Because after all...I just had a baby...

Right?

The Story of Gabriel (part 4 - the part I think you deserve to know)

2011-06-04T04:41:00.000-07:00

I have always tried to be authentic and transparent. So that even though most of you don't know me, you could feel like you knew me. Because of everything this blog has meant to me, this post has to be written. Make no mistake - this SUCKS for me.

What I think you need to know is this:

In the end, I was addicted to diet pills and laxatives.

I was so close. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get those last few pounds to come off. I suppose you could say I was addicted to working out too because I worked out multiple times a day. The laxatives started as a necessity. The diet pills were desperation. I have since learned that the pills I was taking are no longer available because of their connection with multiple heart related deaths.

Here is what I believe with everything in me: My baby saved my life.

I don't want your pity, or attention. I don't need sympathy or understanding. I have dealt with my mistake and will not return there. I am PROUD of the 100 plus pounds that I lost all by myself, and I am thankful I am around to have a do-over on the pounds I cheated on. I am telling you this to prevent you from making the same mistake I did. It's an easy mistake. The decision seemed innocent. Like I said, the laxatives were a necessity at first, the diet pills were just a kick start for the final stretch of my mission.

Losing weight is a battle. It is a physical battle, which I believe is the easy part. More importantly, it is an emotional battle that can kick your a** even on the good days. Stay focused on your goal and keep your victory pure. I want that so bad for you.

So there you go. I am sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I hope you can appreciate my motivation for telling you. I hope this doesn't discount anything I have said or will say, but most importantly, I hope you will stick around as I try to vindicate myself for myself. This pregnancy weight will come off, and it will come off the right way because just like you, I deserve a pure victory.

The Story of Gabriel (part 3 - the part that was fast and furious)

2011-05-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

It had been years since I had given birth. Isaac's birth was amazing to me. I was 37 weeks. He was born at Cascade Birth Center in Everett by an amazing midwife named Charlotte Geddis. I labored for 5 hours and 47 minutes (pushed for 17 minutes.) I had no drugs, and even though most will think I am strange, I loved every moment of it.

The women in my family have a history of delivering early and delivering fast. That being said, 9 years later - we really didn't know what to expect.

By popular demand (and I kind of love telling it...) here is the story of the day Gabriel was born.

At 35 weeks I went off the medication I was taking to prevent the contractions. Not much changed. Maybe a few more contractions, but nothing major. This was the week that I also had my first vaginal exam. I was hoping for some progress, but didn't want to be disappointed either. Boy was I surprised to find out I was 3 cm and 100% effaced! Holy Cow.
Now any woman who has been pregnant knows - once you make information like that public, the onslaught of phone calls and ridiculous questions from anxious grandmas-to-be, begin. We all spent that entire week on edge. Poor Chad didn't sleep well, he checked on me every hour or so. "Are you in labor?" Seriously Chad? If I was in labor - don't you think I would mention it? Wow. As the week continued, I got increasingly frustrated with everyones anxiousness and finally had to point out that in reality - my due date was still a whole month away. Women can hang out at 3cm and 100% for WEEKS. We all just needed to calm down and wait. That seemed to help. A little.

As the weekend approached, Chad and I were excited to have one final date night. My parents had the kids overnight and we went and hung out with my BFF and her new boyfriend. It was such a great night! We had finally kind of let go of the idea of me going into labor anytime soon, and we really just enjoyed ourselves. The guys had a cigar and a couple of drinks and my BFF and I got some much needed time together. Chad and I had a great chat on the drive home and we got home and crawled into bed around 12:30am.
At 2:25am I woke up and needed to go potty. When I was going potty, I had this burning sensation across the bottom of my belly. My first thought was "oh great! I have food poisoning. Dang fajitas!" I crawled back in bed and tried to go back to sleep. 3 minutes later, more burning. Dang fajitas! Then 3 minutes later...wait a minute!!!! Food poisoning doesn't usually happen in 3 minute intervals...OMG!!! I tried to wake Chad. He was dead to the world. I finally just had to full on hit him. "We need to time these." You would think I was speaking German. Poor guy was so out of it. He couldn't figure out how to use his contraction app that he had been so excited to use. I got frustrated, and told him to just call my sister and my BFF. He couldn't figure out how to use his phone. Seriously?? I called Deana - but by then I was having another contraction and could barely speak. At some point, I told Chad we just needed to leave. These contractions were too close together. We had planned to head to the hospital when they were 4 minutes apart; these were closer than that. So, we got in the car and started the 40 minute drive to the hospital.

I remember pretty random things about that morning - but the stuff I think you want to know is: we arrived in triage at 3:17am. Chad had finally been able to use the contraction app on his phone and was able to show the nurses that my contractions were about 1 minute apart. They got me to a room pretty quickly after that. Once in my room, I spent the majority of time standing, leaning on my bed. I had horrific back labor, which really surprised me, and made it so I was very limited in the positions I was willing to try. At some point, my team convinced me to get into the tub. That was short lived though because two contractions later, my water broke at 5:15 am. Deana,who had been at Isaac's birth had told the nurse that once my water broke she thought Gabriel would come pretty fast. Fortunately, the nurse believed her and they quickly got me out of the tub. As soon as I stood up, I had to push. As they were escorting me back to my bed, I pushed once as I was walking across the room. I got on the bed as fast I could. I remember Dr. Burdick saying "let me just make sure you are really ready to push..." it was obvious, so she turned to prep, and as she turned back, I pushed a second time and Gabriel was born at 5:17am!

I was so startled at how quickly everything happened, and my first words were "what just happened?" Someone said "you had a baby" and they handed me my sweet baby boy. He was gorgeous and tiny (6lbs 12oz) and was covered in vernix. He nursed right away and I just stared at him in disbelief.

Years of heartache (infertility) coupled with months of fear, had all been resolved in that moment. Any doubt I had about God, about Gabriel, about myself, dissolved when that little boy looked at me and stuck his lower lip out in a pout that would change my life. 2 hours and 52 minutes of incredibly hard work - to heal over a decade of devastation. Gabe's labor was a million times harder than Isaac's - but it was a victory in the most profound sense.

The Story of Gabriel (part 2 - the part where I was forced to face my fears.)

2011-04-11T05:31:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like 11 weeks of bedrest...

I know there are women who have to be on bedrest for much longer - but holy cow this felt like FOREVER!

So much happened in these 11 weeks, it would be impossible to tell you all of it. I do know, that sitting around your house alone for 11 weeks might not force you to go crazy, but it will force you to deal with some crap. At first I was pretty depressed and I slept almost all day long. It was so hard for me to be alone. I went from having a constant stream of visitors everyday at the hospital - to sometimes going days without seeing anyone except Chad. This is so hard for me. I am such a people person and I missed my people! As time went on, I stopped sleeping so much and started thinking more. I began having horrible nightmares. These nightmares kept me awake at night and haunted me all day long. In my nightmare, no matter what was happening, the outcome was always the same - I gave birth to a baby boy; a baby boy who was dead. It got so bad that I actually could never even picture Gabe without him being dead. It was awful. After weeks of this torture - I realized that if I wanted to give myself the best chance possible for the birth experience I wanted, I had to get rid of this ridiculous fear. As my due date grew closer, I knew I had to do something drastic and I sought the help of a phenomenal Hypno Therapist.

I am not dumb - I know this revelation will raise a lot of eyebrows and will most likely draw a great deal of criticism - and to that all I can say is, do your research and don't knock it until you try it.

I am so thankful that my two best friends - who I consider phenomenal christian women, recommended Kira to me. My therapy session was powerful and so healing beyond words. I want so much to tell you about it here, but there is no way to describe it adequately this way. What I can tell you is that I know now, that my fear of Gabriel dying was a product of years and years of miscarriages. Of 10 babies who I had knowledge of and fell in love with only to have them leave me. As time went on, and my family in heaven continued to grow, I truly began to believe that I just simply didn't deserve to have those babies. It was amazing to me that Gabriel had stayed in my belly so much longer than all the others - so it only made sense to me that since I didn't deserve the joy of having another baby, he too would die and leave me alone.

I can tell you now that a miscarriage breaks your heart. I can tell you also that it makes you feel physically broken. But I am happy to say, that the day I went to hypno therapy was the day I finally let all of my babies go to heaven. I felt and looked visibly relieved, and I was because you see I had been carrying those babies with me for all those years. That burden was big and it was heavy and letting it go was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had.

Once my fear was dealt with, I was able to sleep and dream of the day I would give birth to my beautiful, ALIVE baby boy. I sang to my belly for the first time that night. I sang praise songs because I felt JOYFUL and finally excited about having a baby. The fear was gone - and now I could count down the days with anticipation. What a remarkable feeling...

The Story of Gabriel (part 1 - the part that scared us)

2011-04-07T14:15:00.000-07:00

It has taken me a few weeks to process. We are definitely still adjusting. My family is adjusting to life with a sibling; a newborn. Meanwhile, I need to adjust to that and to the fact that my pregnancy has ended. I am chubbier than I would like to be; sleepier than I am used to and I have milk. Wow. The reality is, I have been absent from blogging from almost the entire 2nd and 3rd trimester of my pregnancy. What happened during those weeks - I still process daily. Little snipits are all I can handle. I am thankful though, that in a day that now is filled with nursing, and poopy diapers - I have moments when I can look back on a pregnancy that seriously changed EVERYTHING for us; a pregnancy that, for a while was the scariest time of my life; but a pregnancy that I believe, ultimately saved my life. Here's the story... I will pick up where the scary part started - December 30, 2010.

This was Christmas break for my kids and myself. We had a great first part of break. Lots of rest and lots of fun activities. It's what I really wanted since it was my last concentrated time alone with just the two of them. On this particular day - I felt really gross. I was totally lacking energy, had no appetite, and really just couldn't get out of bed. I had called my sister to come over so that I could sleep more. Later that afternoon, I pulled myself out of bed so that the four of us could head to Costco. We were getting ready to head out the door, and my spastic puppy Bailey kind of lunged at me. She hit me square in the belly. The impact of her made me feel gross - mostly just queasy, but nothing that caused me too much concern. We went to Costco. At Costco, I continued to feel gross. Nothing horrible, just really blah. After Costco we headed to our favorite Pho restaurant for dinner. As is standard, particularly in the last trimester - I had to pee. When I went to the restroom, I discovered that I was bleeding. Now, blood is never a reassuring sight at any point in pregnancy - so I made a call to my midwife. Long story short (too late, I know...) we ended up in the ER. They did an ultrasound and some blood work. My cervix was about 50% effaced and the monitors were picking up lots of contractions. I was admitted pending the results of the blood tests. The results came the next morning indicating that blood was swapped between me and the baby via a partial abruption of my placenta. The plan was for me to stay at the hospital until my bleeding and contractions stopped. Unfortunately, this didn't happen quickly. The reality was - I was 25 weeks pregnant and at risk of having a baby who really didn't have much of a chance at life. Chad and I were terrified beyond words. At that point, we made the decision to transfer my care from the hospital I was at - to an OB at a different hospital who is a dear friend of ours. I transferred hospitals on January 2nd. I remained in the hospital until January 12th. It was the longest, loneliest 15 days of my life. My heart hurt. My head was spinning. There was so much fear. It had taken me months to accept the pregnancy. I had just started to wrap my head around the whole thing. Did God really bring me all this way only to take this baby away from me? Was that a possibility?

My husband and my sister took turns sleeping at the hospital with me. There was one night when neither of them could stay. As I layed in my bed, waiting for my Ambien to kick in, I tried talking to God. It had been a long time since I had talked to God. I really didn't know what to say, so I ended up crying, those big silent tears you almost don't notice and just saying "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." until I eventually fell asleep.

On January 12th - I was discharged and came home to finish my pregnancy on bed rest. My mission - whether I accepted it or not - was to grow this person. Every day mattered. Every day that he stayed in gave him that much more of a chance. Let the bed resting commence...

PS. The picture of Hope and I was taken on one of our "family movie nights" while I was in the hospital.

PRESENTING....

2011-03-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

Gabriel Martin Anderson!!! He has arrived! It's still hard to believe. He was born on Sunday March 20, 2011 at 5:17 am. He weighed in at 6 lbs 12 oz and was 18 inches long. Labor was fast and furious. Seriously - 2 hours and 52 minutes from start to finish. I have had several requests for my birth story - and I am excited to share it. I am currently piecing the events together with the people who were with me. Once that's done, I will share the story of Gabriel. For now, all I can say is... This boy rocks my world!

Looking back - Looking ahead

2011-03-08T19:39:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's been months, literally since my last post. I can't help but wonder if blogging would have been therapeutic these last few months of my pregnancy. SO much has happened. Too much for this post. It's been a scary start to 2011 - but the important thing remains, that Gabriel and I are still healthy and plugging along.

As I get closer to the end of my pregnancy - I can't help but start to think about the recovery time my body will need after this. I feel fortunate to have only gained a minimal amount of weight - although I am not yet ready to disclose that number...I do feel confident that what is left after delivery will be relatively easy to lose. I am however, also certain that the skin on my tummy will never be the same. This pregnancy was so different from Isaac's. This time I grew straight out - which had to have stretched my skin to the max. UGH!

As the "skinny" clothes on the other side of my closet taunt me - I can't help but be reminded of what it took to get to that place. Almost 2 years of extreme everything. Extreme exercise, extreme eating, extreme discipline... the reality is - with three kids and a full time job - there isn't going to be time for the extreme lifestyle I was living before. Let's face it, there isn't going to be time for much of anything. The part that surprises me the most, is that I am totally okay with that.

Sure, I want to get back to having a body I am happy and comfortable with. I think that body was the nice size 10 I was a few months before getting pregnant. I feel like size 10 made me look healthy. I was able to dress according to the trends, and more importantly I was able to participate in my life, play with my kids, do races with friends etc. I might not have had abs of steal, but I was healthy and fit enough to essentially do anything I wanted to. THAT'S the body I would like to get back. I don't need to be the size 8 or 6 I was killing myself to get to. From where I am standing now - I see the sacrifice it took to get there, and I am no longer willing to pay that price.

I consider myself blessed. My cost could have been much greater. I am fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends that love me without limits. I am blessed to have a husband who never didn't think I was sexy; and kids who were young enough to consider this an adventure. This pregnancy was probably the best intervention that could have been waged in my situation. Not only did it require me to make the appropriate changes to find a healthy balance to grow my baby, but in the span of 9 months - it brought all of my priorities back into focus.

A sweet note.

2010-12-13T06:02:00.000-08:00

In Saturdays mail I received a package. I didn't open it at first because I was busy and preoccupied. On Sunday my husband found it and asked what it was. When he opened it, we were blessed to find some adorable baby boy clothes. The gift was thoughtful, especially considering the giver, and the fact that we only know each other from blogging, but it was the note that had an even greater impact. It read:

Dear Jetta,

I don't know when I have been so excited about someone having a baby...especially someone I've never really met or officially "know." but I have watched you grow in so many ways over the past year as I have followed you on FB (what a crazy concept,huh?)I was out the other day and saw these and couldn't resist getting them for you.
You are an amazing woman and this little one will be truly blessed to have you as his mommy.
"...and the Lord remembered her, so in the course of time she conceived and gave birth to a son... 'because I asked the Lord for him' -1 Samuel 1:19b, 20b

Love you, Lena

Now for so many reasons - even now as I type it, these words move me to tears. The bible verse sends goosebumps up and down my body. You see, this note, from a "stranger" whom I adore came at the exact right moment in time. Not only was I looking for a Bible verse to stamp onto canvas for Gabriel's bedroom, but this note opened my eyes.

After 12 years of not being able to have kids (on our own)and finally letting go of that dream, this pregnancy was truly a shock. After so many losses, it was easier to assume this baby wouldn't stay - just like all the others. You see, this baby coming changes a lot of things. Some are tough, and in the midst of those scary changes, it was easier to "blame" someone, something, whatever, for this unexpected miracle. What 1 Samuel opened my heart to, is the fact that I have ALWAYS wanted a third baby. I was just too scared to own that desire because it felt selfish, because it was scary, because it was easier to have things stay just the way they were.

While I can't deny, that if we had our choice, we would have timed this differently. I can never ignore that the woman I am today is the woman that was created to be Gabriel's mommy. Just as Isaac and Hope had their perfect place in history, so does Gabriel, and as with everything, Gods timing isn't ours, but it is perfect.

Thank you Lena for listening to your heart. Your gift was more than I think you ever imagined it would be. It changed my life. Truly.

It's a....

2010-12-01T14:13:00.001-08:00

BOY!!!!

Yay - he was so sweet! He had the hiccups almost the entire time. Chad and I had a hard time picking names - but before the ultrasound we decided on Gabriel Martin. Gabriel means "the Lord is my strength; and Martin is the name of Chad's uncle who passed away when Chad was 14.

We are thrilled, as are the kids.

Enjoy the pics!

Quiet moments - and an ultrasound update

2010-11-29T11:06:00.000-08:00

First of all...

EPIC FAIL!!!

I am incredibly sorry. I dangled the ultrasound date a long time ago and then failed miserably to give you the news! WOW. If I were you - I would be furious. And then, of course I would promptly forgive the oversight (hint, hint.)

Since I have made you wait this long - what's a few more minutes??? Right? (Insert evil laugh...)

Thanksgiving morning I woke up extremely sentimental. Okay, maybe it was the hormones. Call it what you will, I was a crying, sobbing mess! My sweet husband brought me my coffee in bed and I sat for a long, long, long time reflecting on my life, my new baby and everything in between. I have so much to be thankful for, and at the same time, there is a lot that scares me just a little.

The thing that struck me the most was my kids. The coolest people I have ever had the privilege to know. I was thinking about each of them as individuals. I decided to call them up to chat with me. I am sure I probably scared them with all the crying I was doing, but I needed to make sure these things were said.

Isaac was first. He was so sweet - especially when he realized I was crying. He is a very sensitive boy, and immediately asked me why I was crying. I told him not to worry - that these were "happy" tears. I won't recite the whole speech, but I will tell you (as I told him) that my favorite trait of Isaac's is his compassion. He is always the first to run to another person who has fallen down to check on them. He always checks on his sister at school when she seems sad. Isaac always seems so in tune to when other people are hurting. I told Isaac that I love that about him, and that I hope he never changes.

Hope came up next. She is so different from Isaac. She didn't even notice I was crying. To be honest, at first I questioned whether she would understand or appreciate the words I had for her, but I couldn't let the moment pass, and I decided that even if she didn't totally "get it" - my heart needed to say these things....and so I did. My favorite trait of Hope's is her thoughtfulness. She is always thinking ahead and trying to anticipate what someone else might want or need. She always has the remote ready to hand to Isaac when he comes downstairs to watch TV in the mornings. She loves to color pictures for all of her friends at school. She is constantly trying to give her toys to other people. She ALWAYS wants to help. Her heart is so good. I told Hope that I love that about her, and that I hope she never changes.

For both kids, we talked about how Jesus also has compassion and thoughtfulness for everyone he meets. It was so sweet! They seemed generally amazed that they might have anything in common with Jesus.

These moments were precious to me. It may become a tradition for me. I truly find power in speaking words of affirmation to my kids even if they don't completely grasp all of the meaning. Their hearts know, and so does mine and that, is what being a mommy is all about.

Now... for the small person in my belly...

I am happy to say that I am currently growing a perfect, healthy, happy little baby - and that's about all I know. The ultrasound place messed up my appointment - so they had to "fit me in." Which means a typically hour long appointment lasted all of 23 minutes with a tech who wasn't interested in the fact that I really wanted to know the gender of my baby. We did however get a super cool profile picture which I successfully loaded onto Facebook, but can't seem to post on this blog.

Fortunately for us, we have the coolest Midwife ever, and she has ordered a follow up ultrasound (at a different location) - and that ultrasound is scheduled for this Wednesday, December 1st.

Happy holiday season to all of you - and here's to a baby who wants to show off it's private parts (just on Wednesday anyway...)

In case you were wondering...

2010-11-07T19:33:00.001-08:00

I eat normal.

I have written about diet, weight loss and exercise for so long now. I get a lot of people asking me how I am handling my food now that I am pregnant.

I eat normal. I eat what everyone else is eating. Don't get me wrong, I have definitely had my cravings. The first trimester for sure was the worst. As gross as it sounds, all I wanted was McDonald's and chocolate ice cream. I had an pre-natal appointment at 10 weeks, and my midwife said the McDonald's had to stop. And so it did. Chocolate ice cream is a rarity anymore. In fact sweets in general just don't sound good. That is a blessing for sure. But, for now, I have let go of the chicken and heaps of veggies. I have stopped cooking entirely different meals for me from what my family eats. I don't pig out (although I am sure I have my moments...)

I still workout. My workouts look a lot different than before. No more hard core training sessions and 3 hour cardio workouts. These days, I am more likely to do 45 minutes on the treadmill followed by some weights and light core / ab work 3 to 5 times a week. I feel okay about that because I am working out about 300% more than I ever did when I was pregnant with Isaac.

The cool thing to me, is that I feel normal. I have managed to come to grips with the fact that I am going to gain weight growing this person - but I know how to lose it. I did it once...I can most definitely do it again. I know how to eat, and exercise. I know what it takes.

Rock Star (a shout out to moms)

2010-11-03T08:26:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, my friend Alyssa and my sister Kara had a surprise party in my honor, to celebrate the fact that I had lost 100 pounds. I was so blessed by that night. Some of my favorite people came - and there were a few people whose attendance surprised me. Almost everyone brought gifts - which was another surprise - but hey! I am not complaining!!!
My mom gave me me one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received. It's a silver bracelet with stars and rhinestones. It's really pretty. When I opened it, she said she picked it so that whenever I look at it, I can be reminded that I am a rock star.
I haven't been wearing the bracelet much lately. To be honest, I haven't felt like much of a rock star. I found the bracelet this morning in my jewelry box, and this has been on my heart all morning. I wish I could give all of you a "rock star" bracelet. Especially you moms out there. Why? Simply put you ARE rock stars.

You sacrifice
You lose sleep
You run the house
You run the calendar
You run around

You love your kids
You love your honey
You love your friends
You love your God

You remember the parties
You remember the presents
You remember the date and time

You give your all
and then you give some more

Most of the time, you don't have time to remember that you are a rock star. Wouldn't it be nice to have something to remind you? The reality is, as much as we want them to, others won't always remember to notice how awesome we are; how much we do; how big we love. I think we all deserve to remember, that in Gods eyes especially, we do totally rock.

Just another belly picture.

2010-10-31T18:54:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Here is a picture of me at week 17. Everything seems to be going along just fine - which is of course still pretty astounding to me. Our ultrasound has been moved to the 19th of November, so the countdown has begun! I can't wait to find out who is in there!!!

I have been struggling with some hypoglycemia, mostly due to my struggle with not gaining too much weight - but my midwife and my counselor, and my friends and family (of course) are helping me through it.

I keep looking at all the blogs that have amazing decorating pictures like my cousin Lissa's, and wishing I was good at decorating. Our work on the nursery begins next weekend - and I am struggling with unique ideas. Thank goodness my husband has a better eye for stuff like that than I do!

It's so hard to believe that tomorrow is November 1st. If you ask me - the year is basically over. These last few weeks will be so busy and will go by so fast! Before we know it we will be struggling to write 2011 on our checks!

A maze, a game and then I crashed.

2010-10-26T04:27:00.000-07:00

I have always been a woman on the go. Who isn't these days?? But ever since I got pregnant, I have HAD to slow down. I just can't cram quite as many things into a day as I used to. I NEED SLEEP. I love being home. I have never considered myself a homebody - but I sure am now.

As this last weekend approached, I found myself kind of dreading it. Literally, every single hour had something scheduled. I am not sure how this happened, but it did, and there was nothing I could do about it. Everything planned was fun - but there was just too much planned.

It started Friday with the annual banquet for my kids school. I had to leave early because I was falling asleep at my table.

Saturday, I was up at 6:00 and at the grocery store by 6:30. My son had football and then we headed north to Craven Farms for some pumpkin picking and a corn maze with our dearest friends The Jensen's. After getting soaked in the corn maze, we headed even farther north to The Jensen's house for dinner and a little Pinochle before making the 2 hour drive back home. WOW!

Sunday was similar, although it did start out with a transformer blowing and knocking out our power. That was fun! Then is was a 9:30am departure to get the kids to Auntie Shannon's so that Chad and I could enjoy a date. We watched our Seattle Seahawks kick the patootie out of the Arizona Cardinals. It was a great game (I have told you how I feel about football...) but it was cold and I was exhausted. After the game, we had dinner with Chad's parents one last time before they head to Arizona for the winter. We got home around 11. Ugh!

Needless to say - we were all exhausted. Chad forgot to set his alarm, I must have turned mine off. The only reason we woke up at all was because poor little Hope had a nightmare at 6:00am (I usually get up at 4:30). I promptly sent her back to bed; said a kind of bad word and then proceeded to run around like a chicken with my head cut off.

My saving grace?? A call from the kids school saying the power was out and school was delayed until 11:00.

I went back to bed.

Today is one of those days...

2010-10-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

Today is hard for me. I am just being honest.

You see, I have never done "normal" when it comes to pregnancy, so "normal" is hard for me. Isaac, who was conceived via fertility treatment is as "normal" as it gets for me. Even that felt surrounded with interventions. I had multiple ultrasounds - usually because the doctor couldn't find Isaac's heartbeat. If I ever wondered if things were okay with him, I just said something - and the doctor would order an ultrasound. I had a total of 7.

Every other pregnancy after Isaac has ended with no baby. My pregnancy history is not great. Most days, I do okay. But days like today - when it seems that Satan has a grip on my heart - I really struggle. Every twinge scares me. Every ache makes me question. This isn't a fun place to be. I am grateful that I know it will be short lived.

This time, as bizarre as the whole thing seems, it appears that everything is going perfect. My midwife found the heartbeat at 10 weeks - which is relatively early. I have had typical symptoms; an 8 week ultrasound to confirm dates - but other than that, there have been no sneak peaks. It's so opposite of Isaac's pregnancy. I keep thinking, "if I could just take a look..."

I am kind of at that strange point in pregnancy where I feel great (no more morning sickness), my belly is getting bigger - but I don't feel baby move yet except those fun little flutters that happen here and there. I am ready for some bigger movements to help remind me "hey mom. I am in here..."

I say that now - but I also know there will be nights, when I am exhausted and the very thing I am asking for will keep me awake for hours.

So today, I am just trying to make it to tomorrow when I can wake up and start over again. Yay for do-overs! I guess we all have days like this....

October 19, 2010

2010-10-19T13:28:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe it is already the 19th of October! Where has the year gone?

My kids Halloween costumes came yesterday. They were so excited and had to put them on right away. Isaac woke up this morning - 45 minutes early just so he could spend sometime hanging out in his costume. Wasn't it just summer??? How can we be at Halloween already??? It feels like this year is just flying by...

and then not so much.

Is it possible for time to fly by AND go at snails pace at the same time? This pregnancy seems to be going so slow. I say that now - but I guarantee you - when I am holding my newborn in my arms, I am sure I will be amazed at how fast the months went by!

Time is probably going slow because I am way too excited about my November 22nd ultrasound to find out exactly who I am growing. I can't wait! I can't wait! I should start thinking of a fabulously creative blog post to tell you all the news... I better get on that!

Week 14

2010-10-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

When I got pregnant and decided to stop blogging, I told myself that it was because I never wanted to be another pregnancy blog. My mission was to share my weight loss story and hopefully help and inspire others who were struggling with the same challenge. It's truly amazing how we can convince ourselves of just about anything.

What I have realized now that my first trimester is over, is that getting pregnant, being pregnant and recovering from pregnancy is part of my weight loss journey. If I learned anything from the last two years, it's that I will finish, I am not a quitter and victory will be mine. I might be nursing a baby when I finish - but I will finish.

That folks is where I hope the inspiration comes. I hope that is where my story becomes real and motivating.

There is no shame in how my body is changing. There is only glory in what is happening. It has taken me a while to acknowledge and accept that. The cool part of having lost 115 pounds before getting pregnant this time, is that I actually get to look pregnant. When I was pregnant with Isaac, I was overweight and no one could tell I was pregnant until I was in my 7th month. This time is so different.

So here we go folks. Its not the way I though my weight loss story would go, but it's definitely a story with twists and turns. I hope you'll stick with me until the end...

Living in what's true.

2010-10-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praise worthy - think about such things."

Philippians 4:6-8. NIV

I know it's been a while. I know it may not make sense. But this has been hard for me. Being pregnant is hard for me. It is shocking and scary. There is a lot of baggage here to unpack. I have lost so much. I spent the first 12 weeks assuming that my baby would die. I thought for sure that once I saw the heartbeat, heard the heartbeat, I would be fine. I would believe that this baby would be fine. I was prepared for it all to not be fine. It's so sad. The sadder part is this...

I honestly feel like I deserve for it to go wrong. I don't deserve a healthy pregnancy, or a great delivery, or a healthy baby. Why??? I have no idea. The truth is that none of us deserve the great things we have. None of us deserved a Heavenly Father who is crazy about us. And yet...He is. Absolutely, 100 percent nuts about us.

This weekend, I am away for a girls weekend. I am at the ocean with my best friend. I am relaxed and I am broken. I slept beautifully. Fell asleep to the sound of the wind and the rain and the ocean. I finished a book. I confided to Deana and I cried. I cried into the pillow. I sobbed. I am broken. Deana shared Philippians 4:6-8 with me and I cried more. It is time.

It is time for me to live in what it true. Today's truth is, whether or not I think I deserve it, I am pregnant, with a healthy baby. I have an amazing husband who works hard and adores his family. I have two gorgeous, well behaved children. I have an amazing job. This is my truth. This is where I must live. In my daily truth.

Wherever you are. However you are hurting. Find what's true in your world. Rest in that. Find comfort in that. Your joy is there, and your Heavenly Father who adores you - will meet you there.

I am in love....

2010-09-30T11:31:00.001-07:00

My friend Katie has me hooked on this blog. The words this man writes are literally LIFE CHANGING!

Please read, re-read, live and share this blog...

http://www.danoah.com/

You won't regret it.

Longing...

2010-09-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed today by inconsequential things that I make too big.

I am craving time, on my knees with Jesus.

I want Him to show me how to be a righteous woman who raises babies, keeps the house clean and serves my husband.

I want to be frugal and creative and content.

I want a different life, a new spirit.

I want to be grateful, humble and resourceful.

Where do I start?

It's not you, it's me...

2010-09-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

My only purpose for blogging was to talk about weight loss, exercise and the emotional struggles and victories that go along with that. I have really loved blogging. I have met so many great people, heard so many great stories and been inspired myself.

For now - I am done. I don't feel inspired to blog about the week by week changes my pregnant body is going through. I do plan to finish my journey of weight loss and health, but for obvious reasons, this isn't my story right now.

I will keep reading the blogs that inspire me - and I pray for all of you frequently. Thank you so much for reading, and following and praying. Your continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy and baby are so appreciated.

Thank you for making blogging such an amazing journey....

Love,
Jetta

PS. It wouldn't be fair of me to just bail on y'all - so I promise to update you on the important stuff - like gender and birthday. Once baby is born, maybe we can pick up where we left off.

A note to my blueberry...

2010-09-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

My little blueberry...

I want you to know that I think about you all day long. Your very existence is a miracle that is quite simply beyond my comprehension. I hope that you don't mistake my shock. The knowledge of you changed my life forever. The preparation for you was life changing as well. You were created by a God who already knew your exact place in my life, on this earth and in history. He loves you more than I ever could. He has given me a prize - you. As unworthy as I think I am, I want you to know that I will try every day to be deserving of you.

Even as a surprise, you have captured our hearts and given us joy. We delight in learning how you change every day. We are anxious to find out who you are and who you will become.

Thank you Jesus for picking me...

Love,

Mommy

Update....

2010-09-02T06:40:00.000-07:00

I don't blog much anymore. I don't read many blogs anymore. It's not that I don't want to. I don't have much to say - and I don't read others because to be honest, I am sort of jealous of everyone achieving their weight loss goals.
Please don't get me wrong...I am so thankful for this amazing miracle. It hasn't sunk in all the way yet - and so sometimes I struggle to read about people getting smaller, when I am in fact getting a little bit bigger every day.

On August 8th, my friend Deana commented that the jeans I was wearing were too big and I needed to be all done with them. On August 31, I had to unbutton those same jeans just to eat dinner. You know those first few month of being pregnant, when you feel kind of bloated and gross. You know you are getting bigger - but no one can tell you are pregnant yet? It's such a not cute stage. That's where I am at right now. I have to remind myself often, that I am growing a person, not getting fatter.

I am an emotional wreck. My poor family. I cry ALL THE TIME. On Sunday, I was crying because I didn't know which brand of ranch salad dressing I should choose. Thank God the store was practically empty! I didn't cry like this when I was pregnant with Isaac... (reason #1 that I think I am having a girl...) Here's what I do know for sure:

It's hard to be an emotional eater, when you are always emotional.

So frustrating! Pregnant or not pregnant - I believe this is true. The thing I need to remind myself is that I am actually still in charge. I might not be able to control what's growing inside of me - but I can control what I feed it. Today, I am going to try to take back my control.

I need prayer. I need support. I need a latte. Anyone else thrilled that Starbucks has brought back their Pumpkin Spice Latte??? Baby and I are!!!

here comes the weight gain...

2010-08-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

Don't get scared. I haven't completely given myself to the "eating for two" mindset. We all know that's not they way it should work. This little person growing really only needs about 300 extra calories per day. They are way to small to need their very own gallon of delicious Tillamook PB Chocolate ice cream!

My mom asked me the other day if I had already gained weight. My answer (sadly) was "yes." She was disappointed at first - but let me explain. When I was in diet mode, I was only really consuming 1250-1400 calories per day. That's not much. Once the pregnancy was confirmed, I was told that not only did I need to add the 300 calories, but that I needed to bring my basic diet to a non-dieting level. So, I upped my calories to 1500 and then added 300. Now I eat between 1700 and 1800 calories a day. That's not bad...but when you come from the mental place I was - that's pretty tough to swallow. Couple that with the fact that I have been too exhausted to get to the gym on a regular basis...yes, I have already gained some weight.

The first week that I knew about this small person, I was devastated by the very idea of having to get bigger. I know... it's not fat, it's baby, but just the very concept (and my hormones) took over and I spent A LOT of hours crying that first week.

Things have settled down a little. I still cry quite a bit, but it's not usually triggered by my crappy self image of my body. That's a relief! I know that the workouts will become more regular, especially the closer I get to the second trimester. I am so thankful for all of the people who are willing to hold me accountable. Chad, Kara, Deana, Angela - thank you so much for guarding my accomplishments. I appreciate it so much!

Now. How 'bout some ice cream....

Coming full circle

2010-08-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

When Chad and I first decided we were ready for babies - we assumed that it would happen quickly and easily. After the first couple of months, you are still hopeful, but as the months go on, and nothing happens, the hope diminishes. If you are fairly young - the docs don't even really want to hear from you until you have been trying for 6-12 months. You try everything. Ovulation tests, temperature tracking, keeping your hips elevated after sex - certain that one of these methods will be the answer. When it's not, it's devastating. No matter how obsessed your NOT going to get about getting pregnant, I have seen few succeed. The desire for a baby is not the same as the desire for a new pair of shoes, or a darling purse. Slowly it consumes you. As the months go by, you see friends and family members celebrate their pregnancies. As much as you love your friends and family, and want to be genuinely happy,it just hurts so much. Why them? Why not me?

I know that so many of my friends and family members had to break the news to Chad and I of their expectant joys. Now, I understand how hard it had to have been for them. Loving us, watching us hurt and yet needing to share their joy.

God doesn't always bring us full circle, but in this circumstance I have the difficult and yet amazing opportunity to stand where my friends stood years ago. It's so fascinating to me how He works.

There were two phone calls we dreaded making when we decided to let people know about our pregnancy. One of the calls went perfectly, the other one still hurts my heart. I hope those two ladies know how aware I was of them in those moments. How much I long for their dreams to come true too. How in my dreams, I imagine this all happened now so that we could have babies close together...

For now, I have to assume that God has equipped me for this. Hands on training I guess. Years and years of hands on training.

A "bump" in the road...

2010-08-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

Oh boy...what a difference a week makes. On Tuesday, I blogged about finding my old jeans, and on Wednesday Chad and I got the shock of our lives. I am pregnant. HOLY COW!! Wow. Way to throw a wrench into things. How did this happen???

Okay...so I don't actually need a lesson in sex ed, but seriously. Chad and I started "trying" to have a baby in 1998. That's 12 YEARS of unprotected sex and we have one biological son and one adopted daughter. This baby making thing has not brought us the most success. We have talked about adopting again, but decided we couldn't really afford to. We had discussed trying again to get pregnant, but had decided we were done. In fact - we were so done, that Chad actually has an appointment for a vasectomy on Monday! Is this some kind of joke???

Anyway. Here we are. Getting ready to start week 6. I know it's early - but I am not exactly a private person (hense the blog for everyone to read...)so I told everyone right away and figure the worst thing that can come of that is a little extra prayers.

There are so many things I have to write about; so many things on my mind. I guess my blog will take a little different direction for the next few months.

Now you all know... I hope you will pray. I will probably take the weight loss ticker off my blog. Won't be buying those size 8's anytime soon...

The funniest part of all of this - was the mandatory baby name discussion. Chad's suggestion?? Sue Prize Anderson. Get it??? LOL!!! Nice one Chad!

I found some old jeans...

2010-08-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning out my closet this morning and I came across an old pair of jeans. I thought I had gotten rid of all my "fat" clothes, so I was pretty surprised to find these.

They are a size 20.

One leg is the same width of my entire body.

I look at them and can't believe they ever fit. When I showed Chad, he didn't believe that they were mine. Then he said, "how did I never notice..."

I have been hearing that a lot lately. My sister never saw my size, she only saw her sister. Alyssa is amazed by my weight loss - but me now seems like the me she's always known. Deana always just saw her friend - not her friends size. From my perspective, this is so hard to understand. How did they not see? Especially Chad. I mean REALLY? At first, I wondered if they were just saying that to be nice. But Chad's surprise tonight tells me the truth. They never saw the fat - only the friend. Amazing. Truly. Because I still see the fat. If only I could see myself the way they do.

I am definitely a work in progress. When I go back and read my very first posts - I was clearly in such a dark and sad place. I can barely stand to read those words. The transformation has been tremendous, both physically and emotionally. A work in progress... and everyday that I wake up, is another chance to continue working on myself.

I am going to keep these jeans. As a reminder, as inspiration and motivation. I need something that shows me where I was - and I need it to remind me never to return.

The Rest of the Story...

2010-08-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

As you may now, I was asked to write a guest post for bridgetownbabymomma. Such and honor really. Man did I struggle. I am very proud of the final product, but I realized that I had never told the whole story here on my blog. The feedback I have received has been phenomenal, and I am so happy that I got the chance to share.

I am borrowing the photos from Jenn's post. Even though they are my pictures - she did the editing by adding the dates and weights to the picture - so for that, she gets all the credit. Hope you don't mind Jenn...

Everyone else...this is the rest of the story.

I have struggled with my weight for more years than I can count. Actually, to be accurate, I have struggled with FOOD for more years than I can count. When I was young and athletic and always moving, what I ate didn’t matter as much. Once I stopped doing sports all the time, everything changed. I was never thrilled with how I looked, and I knew that I could lose weight when it mattered most. I lost weight for my 1996 wedding, but promptly put it back on once Chad and I settled down.

In 1998, Chad and I decided to start trying for a baby. Nothing seemed to work – and when it did work, I would always lose the baby at about 7 weeks. A couple years into it, my doctor suggested that I might need to lose weight in order to have a successful pregnancy. She suggested 35, I lost 85 pounds. That Christmas, 2001 we conceived our son Isaac with the help of a fertility clinic. The pregnancy went great and believe it or not, I didn’t gain a single pound the whole time.

After Isaac was born, I don’t think there was any one thing that led to my overall weight gain. The weight went on slowly and steadily for a number of years. To be honest, I am not sure I really even noticed. We adopted Hope in 2005 and I was busy being a mom. I was barely aware that I wasn’t happy. Slightly aware that I was depressed, and eventually, I became totally aware that I was so out of shape, I couldn’t even walk up the stairs at Safeco Field to take Isaac to a baseball game. When you are a mom, you always want to be that cool, young, hip mom. I have never thought of myself that way, but I also never really saw what I had become.
Life plugged along and in 2008 I was offered a position at the company I currently work for. This was such an answer to prayer. From the day I was offered the job until the day I was scheduled to start – was 21 days. Just enough time to drop a few pounds before I had to buy a couple new outfits for work. I ordered this shake diet from Zoneliving.com – I love it! It was hard, but I dropped about 20 pounds over the 5 weeks I did that diet. Probably mostly water weight – but who cares! I bought a few things and started my new job. It was hard to stay focused on a diet, because at my work there was a constant stream of catered, delicious food. I wasn’t exercising yet…thank goodness my next motivation came a short time later…

Our family was planning a trip to Arizona for Spring Break in 2009. Chad’s entire family wanted to lose a few pounds before that trip, so we started a “Biggest Loser” contest of our own. We started in January, and the final weigh in was going to happen in Arizona. The prize was cash. Truth be told, the prize could have been a pile of poop and it wouldn’t have mattered to me. I am so incredibly competitive; there was NO WAY I was going to lose this contest. Sure enough, Chad won for the guys and I won for the girls.

Here’s what I can’t pinpoint – somewhere in the middle of that contest, I became so determined. I became so focused. I began to see that I was strong, but more importantly; I was finally able to acknowledge that I was fat. I am fortunate enough to work for a company that offers a gym/trainer benefit. They actually pay for me to have a trainer. I realized that it was quite possible that I would never again have access to these kinds of resources. If I was going to do this, if I was going to get healthy, now was the time.

So here I am. Almost exactly 2 years later. My weight before I started my job was 286 pounds. At 5’6” I actually weighed MORE than my 6’5” husband. Today, when I stepped on the scale, I was 171. That is a loss of 115 pounds. I have definitely had my share of rough times over the last 24 months. Sugar has been a reoccurring battle I have to fight. Pretty much daily. It’s my drug. I struggle with the same things many other people struggle with, namely time. Life, jobs, kids, husbands – they all pull us in so many directions. It seems impossible to find the time to get to the gym. The business of life also lends itself well to cruddy eating. McDonald's is so much easier… I have to wake up every single morning and CHOOSE to live this life I have chosen for myself. To be honest, some days I don’t choose it. I get tired. I get overwhelmed, I get sore – but I do know that I don’t ever want to get fat again.
What works for me nutritionally changes all of the time. Partly from boredom and partly because our bodies really do get used to something and then we just stay still. I am learning that in order to lose the last handful of pounds, I am going to have to reinvent my strategy as many times as necessary. My suggestion? Find what works (it’s different for everybody) and then be wise enough to recognize when it’s not working anymore. Realize early, that what you are doing is creating a life not a circumstance. The eating habits, and exercise routines are not temporary. If you want to maintain what you have accomplished, you will have to commit for life – not for a short period of time or in a certain circumstance.

The last thing I will say is… I know it seems like you can’t do it. From the beginning it seems impossible to take the steps; cut the calories; do the work. I totally understand that. Surround yourself with people who already know you can. Let them support you, carry you and talk you
through it. These people will be far more valuable than any diet or exercise plan. They can whisper in your ear, hold your hand and help you soar -until the day you discover for yourself just how strong you really are.

Guest Post...

2010-08-04T08:24:00.001-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, Jenn at bridgetownbabymomma.blogspot.com asked me if I would do a guest post for her blog. Of course, I said "yes!" and then proceeded to have the worst case of writers block ever. I am not sure why writing for her blog was any different than writing for mine, but apparently, it is.

At any rate, I did it. It is on her site today. It's so strange. I didn't cry when I was writing it - but for some reason, when I read it on her blog today, I couldn't stop crying. Maybe it was seeing the "before" pictures with the words...

Please stop by bridgetownbabymomma and check it out. She has a great blog that I have really enjoyed reading. I know you will love her!

One amazing woman...

2010-08-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone...

I would like you to meet Elaine.

Elaine is my mother-in-law.

She is gorgeous...

She is goofy...

She is a wife...

She is a mom...

She is a grandma....

She is amazing...

And she could use some prayers.

Thank you!

Giving it another shot

2010-07-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

I am at it again. You would think I would get a clue. Take the hint. Nope. Not me. If you don't know me well, let me tell you - I am stubborn if I am nothing else ( I do hope I am something else though. That would be really sad to just be stubborn.)

You already know that on my journey to getting healthy, I have discovered many things, including running. When I start to get down on myself, just the fact that I can run the distances I have, is enough to boost my confidence a little bit. I have always been an athlete, but I have never been a runner.

Until now.

I am once again, training for a half marathon. There was a lot of disappointment for me in April and June when the two big races I was training for couldn't happen. In April, I was supposed to run my first half marathon. I had been training, and it was supposed to be great practice for the marathon I was planning to run in June. Unfortunately, my body had a totally different plan.
In March, my back went out which destroyed my training for the half marathon and in May - when I ran the Seahawks 12k, I apparently suffered a stress fracture, but didn't know it - which turned into a full on break 7 days later when I tried to do my 10 mile training run. I tried to tell myself that I could still run the marathon even though I had missed 5 weeks of training. Then, as I slowly returned to reality - I realized that this wasn't going to happen for me this year. My friends and team mates tried to convince me to walk the marathon, but to be honest - I had no desire to walk it. I already knew I could walk it - I wanted to accomplish something I wasn't sure I could.

I cried every morning the week leading up to the marathon. I had tons of friends and team mates post their times and pictures when the race was over. I was happy for them, but so incredibly bummed for myself. I tried to let it all go. I tried to tell myself that it really didn't matter to me if I ran a half marathon or marathon in my lifetime. Here's the thing...

I do care.

I want to do this.

I want this victory for me.

So I am training again. My sister and I are planning to run a half marathon on September 26th. I hope my back and my feet can handle it. We are wrapping up our second week of our training schedule and so far everything seems fine. This weekend, Kara and I are running in The Torchlight 8K race. For those of you that don't know - and 8K is about 5 miles (4.97 to be exact) - and please don't feel bad - I had to Google that.

It should be fun.

Right now I am telling myself, that if my body breaks while I am training for this run - I will let it all go. I will move on from running and find something else. Unfortunately, as I mentioned earlier, and is evident by the fact that I am even training for this race - I am pretty stubborn, and stubborn rarely equals wise.

Wish me luck!

Pretty Panties (and a few other things...)

2010-07-21T08:42:00.000-07:00

I have noticed lately that I don't have much to say. I am not sure why that is. TONS of stuff is happening - and I want to share, but for some reason I just can't seem to find my voice.
I was thinking this morning about all of the things that have changed. Not just in the last two years - although those changes are the most noticeable, but over the years in general. I feel a little like I have sort of calmed down a bit. I used to be lots of drama all the time. Everything had a story. Everything was a big deal. I had to tell everyone everything. I think my friends and family would agree - that has been one area of change for me - and honestly improvement. I think my Mother-in-Law took the brunt of all of that drama. Jeez! That must have been exhausting. Sorry Elaine!
The new me desires a life with a lot more privacy. A quieter life at home with my family, whereas before I couldn't stand to be home. I always wanted to go somewhere, talk to someone. What was I searching for?

Here are a few other things I have noticed that are different about me:

1. I could live in dresses and skirts. This is definitely new. When I was big - I can't remember EVER wearing a dress or skirt. My favorite comfy outfit these days is a skirt from JCREW and a white tank top from the Gap. Don't forget the flip flops. LOVE LOVE LOVE to wear flip flops!

2. I own cute panties. I know this might seem silly - but to be honest, I never bothered before. Chad doesn't care, and neither did I. Besides, plus size panties are expensive!

3. I couldn't run a block...let alone 7 miles. I think this is HUGE. Bigger than I realize most days. Chad says I am crazy for running so much...but secretly I think it bugs him that I now can literally run circles around him.

4. I used to HATE sex. I don't anymore. That's all I am going to say about that...

5. I have learned how to bite my tongue. I don't want or need to have a comment about everything. The people that know me best, know when I am holding back - but I have definitely learned that I don't always have to speak up.

6. I have learned how to say "no." I have learned that there has to be times when there is nothing on the calendar. That staying in your jammies all day is sometimes the best plan ever.

7. I have learned that somethings just aren't worth my energy.

9. I don't mind wearing a swimsuit.

10. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think that I am pretty.

What else has changed??? I'm not sure - I would have to ask my friends. Anyone???

*picture was taken from the Victorias Secret website. I love their stuff!! I'm just sayin....

Milestones

2010-07-14T14:03:00.001-07:00

Things have been so crazy! I know I have sort of slacked off on the blogging - but I have not slacked off on my mission.

As you know - I had a birthday 10 days ago. The picture was taken just after the 4th of July parade that we went to in Edmonds. There is something VERY significant about this picture - although, if you don't know me well, you would never guess what it is. The truth of the matter is, I didn't even think about it until one of my dearest friends pointed it out to me.

I am wearing a tank top. Not only am I wearing a tank top, but I am smiling while wearing a tank top.

This, my friends is a HUGE milestone for me. When I was heavy - I would wear as much as possible so that no one would ever see my body. It didn't matter how hot it was outside - I would be as covered as possible. Not only did I want to be covered up, but my arms have always been my least favorite part of my body. Hiding them has always been a priority.

Another milestone will occur soon. In fact, it will occur as soon as I can get through the line at the dang department of licensing. You see, I noticed after the fact, that on my birthday my license expired. Time for a new one. And guess what??? This time, I don't have to lie about my weight!!! YIPEE!!! Here's why:

Last time I posted my weight was May 11th. Here is where I am at:

May 11: 182.0
July 14: 174.2

Weight loss of: 7.8 pounds

I haven't been able to get into the 170's and stay there - so I am loving this!

Here's to tank tops and legit info on drivers licenses! HAPPY SUMMER!

Emotional Eater

2010-07-07T03:48:00.000-07:00

Fist of all, I would just like to mention that it is 3:30am as I write this. That's right - I said 3:30 AM. No need to adjust your screen, there is nothing wrong with your eyes...3:30. There is however, something wrong with my eyes...everything is blurry. Could that be because it's 3:30 in the freaking morning??? Ugh!

Hope came into my room at 2:45 this morning needing some love. I was totally fine with that because last night I had one of the worst nights as a parent - we haven't had a night like this is a long, long time.

I posted on Facebook last night that I thought my kids had been possessed by evil beings.

I wasn't kidding. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???

Disciplinary action had to be taken with both kids. That's the part I hate. No one wants to end their day that way.

After we prayed and the kids were finally in bed - I did what any rational mom would do - I poured myself a huge glass of whatever alcoholic beverage I could find. Just Kidding! I did however, drive to the store and buy myself the one thing that could make my day better.

Tillamook Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream.

Maybe I should have stuck with the alcohol.

While I was skillfully extracting the gorgeous ribbons of salty deliciousness that is the peanut butter, I couldn't help but realize just how much I am the classic emotional eater. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't even really having a craving - but for some reason my mind thinks that eating will solve everything. The part that amazes me is that even though I know better - even though I have the worst stomach ache in the world right now - even though I am pretty sure I gained 45 pounds last night - I still haven't learned my lesson.

I must have some sort of undiscovered learning disability.

I was going to do a weigh in this morning since it's been a while, but I am thinking I might wait. Pretty sure the scale isn't going to have anything nice to say to me this morning.

Praise God we wake up every morning and get a "do over." Me and my kids certainly need it!

Happy Birthday!

2010-07-05T14:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday. Another year older. I am 34. Even though 34 is not old by any stretch of the imagination, it is always strange getting another year closer. Closer to what?? I'm not sure...I'm just saying it's strange.

I have spent the last couple weeks leading up to my birthday being really reflective. I have been thinking a lot about what I want for me, what I want for our family. I have spent time thinking about my victories, my regrets. Am I where I thought I would be at this age? In some ways, yes in others, no.

I think for me right now, my biggest disappointment is the fact that I spent the later part of my twenties and the early part of my thirties being fat. It's not just disappointing because of how I looked, but mostly because the being fat part dictated so much about how I lived my life. So many things I didn't try because I was just physically not able to. So many people I didn't meet because I was too self conscious. Even the things I did do were so tainted by fear. Fear of failing, fear of being rejected, fear of looking stupid... Such a sad existence.

I am so glad that I made the decision to get healthy. I only wish I had made it sooner. Or better yet, I wish I had never gotten to the place where it was so out of hand. I am so grateful for the resources and support that I have had.

If you are struggling with weight, and it is limiting your life - TAKE CHARGE! You have seen that it can be done. You might doubt yourself - so take advantage of your most available resource - the family and friends who have never doubted you. They will carry you until the moment you realize just how strong you really are.

If weight hasn't been your issue before, but you are noticing that things seem to be spiraling out of control - GET HELP! Find someone you can trust to talk it out with. A good friend can help you figure out where you need the most help. Are you having trouble with baby weight? Are your hormones out of wack? Are you depressed? Again, there are so many resources. Use them.

Don't give up years for food. That exchange will NEVER be worth it!

My first ever blog award! Yipee!!

2010-06-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

Last week, Jenn at bridgetownbabymomma blessed my socks off by giving me my first ever blog award! I was totally surprised and to be honest it really came at the perfect time. I have been thinking a lot lately about not blogging anymore. I was starting to feel like my posts were just going off in to cyber land and no one was reading anymore. Is anyone out there?????

Receiving the award from Jenn not only made me realize that someone is reading, and that what I say does matter, but I also learned that even if only one person reads - I will still write.

I don't know much about blog awards - but from reading Jenn's post when she received hers, it looks like I am supposed to tell you 7 things about myself you might not know and I need to nominate a few other blogs. So here goes...

1. My son was born at a free standing birth center with an independent midwife. I had no drugs - and I loved every second of it!

2. After Isaac was born, my midwife trained me to be her assistant, and I spent the next year and a half delivering babies with her.

3. In 2009, I delivered my nephew at my sisters house with the help of my brother in law. Well, I guess my sister helped a little bit too!

4. If I could go back in time and start all over, I would have gone to school to be a baby doctor.

5. If you can't tell by now... I love everything that has to do with pregnancy, and childbirth.

6. When I graduated from High School, I went to college at Seattle Pacific University. I didn't last long - but sometimes wish I had finished it out.

7. I started working at The Gap when I was 15 years old. I worked there until I was 21. Who can pass up that discount!?!?

Now for my awards... Here are a couple of gals that I make sure and read every time they have something to say. I LOVE these women. These blogs make me laugh, cry, soar... check them out when you can!

Holly: armstrongfamilychronicles.blogspot.com

Alyssa: www.seattledoulagirl.com/blog

Lena: bestillandknow-lena.blogspot.com

Martha: butterfliesdragonflies.blogspot.com

If I could say this in person, I would.

2010-06-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

This is a post I have been running through my little brain for quite a while now. I get pretty fired up when I talk about it with my friends. I think it's really important to share this - so I decided it was time. I am however going to start with an apology.

I apologize in advance if this offends anyone, discourages anyone, or frustrates anyone. This is MY OPINION. It is something I have come to realize over the last several months. I hope you know by now - it is NEVER my heart to discourage anyone, I only want to help (great way to get started, don't you think??)

There are so many of us that are overweight. There are so many of us that are not healthy. Thin does not necessarily equal healthy. This post is meant for those of you who need to change your health. Whether you need to lose weight or you just need to eat better and exercise. Here is the one thing I have discovered in all my years of trying to lose weight and get healthy. Are you guys ready for this??? This is a HUGE discovery... Ready??? Wait for it....

Here it is:

You aren't going to do it until you are ready.

Mind blowing isn't it? So many of us know we need to. Someone has told us - our family, our friends, our doctor. Whether or not we acknowledge it - we see the need there too, but until we are ready - it's not gonna happen.

When I say "ready" I mean, give it your all "ready." Not gonna give up, not giving in, completely committed to the process "ready." If you aren't that kind of "ready" - I would almost say don't bother. Yo-Yo dieting is not good for you at all. Most of the time the end result of a partial attempt, is a few pounds gained.

Losing significant amounts of weight is a LIFE CHANGING EVENT. Do not underestimate the impact it will have on your life, your family, your perspective. It should not be taken lightly. The are emotional issues that need to be dealt with and to honestly do that you have to be ready and willing. There will be so many hard days - if you aren't committed with your whole heart, then what will keep you from quitting?

If you have ever struggled with your weight - you know....there is always a reason, an excuse. "I will start my diet on Monday..." When you are ready - the time will be NOW, not Monday.

I wish I had a different way to deliver this message. I wish I could say this in person. So much can be misinterpreted...but this is what I have. I have a blog. This is my method. This is my heart. I am going to click "publish post" and pray that God uses this post to reach the people whose hearts are open.

Once upon a time...

2010-06-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

I had this friend. I had waited for this friend all my life. When I was little, I used to pray for a best friend like the friends you read about it books. Friends that can finish each others sentences, know exactly what you are thinking, tell you everything. I think we all know the kind of friend I am talking about...

In 2002, God answered my prayer and brought me my friend. It was perfect timing! I was pregnant with Isaac, she was almost done being pregnant with her first as well. We grew close quickly.

When my labor started she was the only person (besides the midwife) that we called.

When we found out about our daughter being available to adopt, she was the only person I called (besides Chad.)

When my son has a seizure on my living room floor, she was who we called.

My friend and I spent years together. Our kids became great friends. We laughed together, cried together, we did just about everything together.

There truly aren't enough adjectives to describe the great things about my friend. So many things that I admired. Still do.

As it sometimes goes, the season of our friendship came to an end. There is no one to blame. I have no hard feelings. The memories I have with her are sacred. I will never speak with anything but love for her. How could I? I had prayed for her. She was Gods provision to me in some miraculous times, some scary times and some plain old boring times.

I am not certain she knows the spot in my heart that she holds. I miss her - but I am confident in the paths we are both taking. I hope she knows that I wish only amazing things for her and her kids. I hope she knows that I know God will use her. There are so many things that I hope she knows - but mostly, I hope she knows...

I will never forget.

girl time heals the heart

2010-06-20T07:11:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't noticed - by the extreme lack of anything worth writing about - I have been in somewhat of a funk lately. I am not really sure if it's the weight loss thing, the lack of sun, stress of work. Maybe all of the above. Anyway, I had the opportunity to spend an evening with 3 of my favorite people and let me tell you - it has renewed my strength. Brought back my determination.

These 3 women A-M-A-Z-E me. Here's why:

Kristin (the bombshell in the yellow dress): is a fairly new friend of mine, but let me tell you - I LOVE this girl. We sat down to dinner, and she wasted no time calling me on my crap. Now THAT's my kind of girl! I like women who are strong and honest and call it as they see it. Man did I need that! She put me in my place, but I know she loves me to pieces. Everyone needs someone like that in their life.

Debbie (the adorable gal with the contagious smile): is my quiet strength. She doesn't say much, except when it matters. I really respect that. When Debbie speaks, you listen because you know it matters. She is my fan 100% of the time, and I never worry about that. She is dependable, patient, brave and probably one of the strongest women I have ever met.

Alyssa (the amazing woman I lean on): Literally. I don't even know what to say about Alyssa without crying. Everything about Alyssa is comfortable. Two of my favorite memories with her involve taking naps. That speaks volumes.

If my sister had been here - the night would have been perfect.

The time with my friends was just what I needed. I think most women already know, that girl time heals the heart. It is truly restoring. Especially when you are blessed with gals who really "get" you. These ladies get me. They know me - they know my crap and they still love me. Now THAT is amazing!

Thanks ladies. I love you!

Absolute Clarity

2010-06-15T05:32:00.000-07:00

There are three days in my life that I can recall with absolute clarity.

1. The day I gave birth to Isaac.

2. The day we picked Hope up.

3. The day I married Chad.

I was so calm that day. I had such a great night. It had been a long year - and now it was time. There was nothing left to do - but breathe and enjoy.

I loved my dress. I still do. The one thing I was worried about was my tendency to break out in hives when I was nervous. There were no hives.

We were 15 when Chad asked me to be his girlfriend. We were 18 when Chad proposed. We were 19 on our wedding day.

I was the only cousin in my family to be blessed with the presence of my Far Far (father's father in Swedish) at my wedding - and Chad and I were both blessed by the fact that Chad's cousin Asa was well enough to be in our wedding. Although Asa went home to be with Jesus a short time later - the pictures of him are treasured for sure!

Would I do anything differently? Sure. But really...why go there? Our story is what it was meant to be. Chad is who God selected for me. He made us match.

While there are only three days that I remember with such clarity and detail - there are few memories I have that don't include Chad.

Happy Anniversary. I love you. Meet me in Maui next year???

I feel like...

2010-06-11T11:35:00.000-07:00

A fake.

A phony.

A liar.

A broken record.

Okay. I think I am being a little harsh on myself. I do, REALLY feel like a broken record. I want to write a inspirational, fist pumping, cheerleading post about getting hard core and getting this done. But I just wrote that post a couple weeks ago. Remember??? It resulted in me being transparent and posting my weight each Monday - which lasted oh...about 5 minutes.

I am having the hardest time. I gripe about this plateau that I am stuck in - and I am so ready to blame anyone and everything...except myself. My lack of weight loss is such a mystery... NOT! Here is what I realized:

I am not doing the work.

Here's how I discovered that. Thursday night - Chad and I were going to play racquetball, but we both got caught in horrible traffic so we missed our court time. My revised plan, was to get the kids packed for the beach cabin and then head to the gym after they went to bed. I used to be so good at this scenario - but last night - after the kids were in bed, I put on my pj's not my workout clothes...I think you get the drift.

As far as I can tell, at some point, my brain shifted into maintenance mode, but my body isn't there yet. I still work out and eat right - but my determination is gone. I started to wonder if maybe I am happy with how I look now. If maybe I don't want to lose any more weight. I spent our camping weekend pondering this. The answer I came up with??

No. I am not finished. Since I am not finished, I do need to do the work. These last 20 pounds are going to be the hardest to lose, but I will lose them.

If I start now and get "hardcore" I will be finished fast (relatively speaking) and I can live in this happy maintenance land that I have been visiting for the past several weeks.

It's time to get this done. I want to finish. I am not a quitter. I am however, a broken record. Sorry bout that....

the vintage pearl

2010-06-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

I am borrowing the pictures in this post from the web site I am about to plug...the vintage pearl.
I try to keep my recommendations to a minimum. I think so far I have recommended ice cream and counseling. That's hilarious! Oh, and a Bodybugg...huh.

Anyway, for Mother's Day my hubby got me a gift certificate to the vintage pearl so that I could design my own necklace. I have waited (almost) patiently for it to arrive... it came in yesterdays mail. I don't have a camera with me and my cell phone camera did not do the necklace justice. I love my new necklace. I put it on immediately. It is replacing my diamond necklace - that's how much I love it.

Besides having an amazing product - I want to just say that the customer service is just as good as what they sell. I sent an email checking on my order (I said I was almost patient) and they were so timely and sweet in response. The necklace shipped right when it was supposed to and was adorably packaged.

Check them out...you won't be sorry!!!

www.thevintagepearl.com

Roller Coaster

2010-06-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

I would like off please.

I am not sure I signed up for this roller coaster. I am actually afraid of roller coasters in general - so how in the world did I get here?

Didn't I just write a post about feeling happy and healthy? Let me check....yep! Sure did.

You know, when you are riding on a roller coaster and you go down a big hill, and your stomach literally drops to your knees? That is how I feel.

You know how, when you get off the ride, you face feels swollen and dry from the tears that the g-forces create? That is how I feel.

You guys... I feel so defeated today. So exhausted from this whole thing. Sometime I wonder if I might actually be done losing weight. Maybe my body is happy right where it is....but then I look in the mirror, or try on clothes, and I KNOW that I have more to lose. I feel like this is never going to end.

Stop the ride please.

Laundry...

2010-06-08T09:27:00.000-07:00

My family and I went camping this last weekend. Those of you that know me - know that I am not much of a camper. I did not grow up camping. I grew up resorting. I am making an effort to camp because my husband LOVES it and because I want my kids to have both experiences.

So we loaded up on Friday... I swear - it looked like we were moving out! We traveled over the mountains to one of my all time favorite places - Lake Chelan. We were blessed with wonderful friends and beautiful weather. We had such a great time. To be honest - I am totally excited for our next camping trip. I can't believe it!

The only thing that put a damper on our fabulous camping trip is the unpacking, cleaning and seemingly endless piles of laundry that now have to be done. EVERYTHING is dirty. Even if you never wore it. You have to wash it all.

Can you imagine having a laundry room like the one in the picture? That would be so fabulous! I would be so efficient. What a dream...

In all of the chaos of unpacking, cleaning and trying to get ready for another week - I totally forgot to weigh in Monday morning. Oops! I will weigh in this next Monday... I promise. It's probably better... not sure that s'mores are on any weight loss plan!

I love my...

2010-06-03T08:34:00.001-07:00

Counselor! I love her! Seriously...she gets me! I understand... she gets paid lots of money to appear as though she gets everyone...but really, I think she genuinely understands. I LOVE that she is a strong, healthy woman, who has kids, has a hubby, loves God. I love that she spends time working with other women who are struggling with food and weight and exercise. I love that she has raised her kids and knows how hard it is to raise mine.

I have been seeing Gina for several months now. In the beginning, the diagnosis was grave and heavy. It scared me and made me tired. We have had some big sessions the last few times and I (we) feel like I have made some amazing progress. My BFF even noticed how happy I am when I leave one of my appointments.

It is so refreshing to have someone to talk to. Don't get me wrong... I have AMAZING friends, but there is something about the absolute safety of talking to someone who isn't going to come hang out with your family over the weekend. I am grateful for the opportunity to talk to her. I am grateful that I have fabulous insurance that helps me be able to afford to talk to her.

Tomorrow, I am seeing my doctor - the one who referred me to Gina. I am excited for her to see the changes I have made - the ways I have grown. I think she will be thrilled.

I feel happy.

I feel healthy.

I LOVE THIS!

I haven't felt all of those things at once since...well - maybe never. My mood matches the sunshine we are finally seeing in Seattle.

My family and I are going on our first camping trip of the season to Lake Chelan. I have such great memories of Chelan. I hope you all have a great weekend...See you Monday!

Just as I suspected...

2010-05-31T07:39:00.000-07:00

I did not win this week. I am not sure what was wrong with me this week. I was completely exhausted! I was in bed before 8:00 pm (so before my kids even went to bed) two nights this week. On Thursday my puppy had to go to the vet, so while she was there I took a 5 hour nap. Also on tap last week was a root canal. My favorite! I usually take Valium before going to the dentist (I really am that scared) but I needed to go back to work - so no Valium for me.

Here's what it comes down to for the week:

A ton of

and a lot of this

Does not work out so well on the scale. I must say, I am not nearly as disappointed as I thought I would be. Clearly, I needed the sleep. This is a new week and I don't intend to write posts about weight gain again any time soon. Here are the numbers:

Last weeks weight: 180.8

This weeks weight: 182.0

Total weigh gain: 1.2 pounds

Happy Memorial Day to all of you. Most of us have an extra day at home with our families. What a blessing. In your day, please take a moment to pray for the soldiers and their families who have given so willingly and lost so much so that we can live as we do.

Who do I think I am???

2010-05-28T10:58:00.001-07:00

Last night, I was having trouble falling asleep. I had a lot running through my mind. The fact that I took a 5 hour nap didn't help either. As I was laying there (listening to my husband make the strangest snoring noises) I was thinking about something my BFF said to me last weekend. We were setting up for our garage sale and she commented that the way I look now seems so normal. She has always thought of me this way...to her, this transition seems so natural.
I am glad that my friends didn't seem to notice that I was fat. Once upon a time there was one friend who did.
I don't speak of this often. Only a couple of people know this story. Years ago I was part of a moms group and of the group, four of us became particularly close. As time went on, the moms group ended, but the four of us remained friends. In an unfortunate circumstance, my friendship with 2 of these ladies ended. One of them never spoke to me again, and the other gal ended things by sending me an email that hurt me to the core. I responded politely, and in the end we wished each other well. I will never forget the words in that email.
I fought it then, but now I know, what she called me on then was exactly right. She saw the absolute hatred that I had for myself. She saw it manifest itself and she saw that is was seeping into my life and the lives of everyone around me. My hatred was destroying me. It was destroying my marriage, and if it had continued, it would have destroyed my kids. She was right. If you ever read this... YOU WERE RIGHT.
Although this journey may seem to be about getting skinny, it's not. This journey is a search for me to find something I like. For me to find something to be proud of. I don't want to hate myself the way I used to. It's not about being thin, but rather about not looking in the mirror and feeling disgusted.
I am not trying to have a perfect body. I am trying to finish what I started. I am trying to look in the mirror and feel good.
Who do I think I am? Who do I want to be? How do I want my kids to see me? How do I want my husband to look at me? This is what I am searching for.

To my friend who wrote the email... I get it now. Thank you.

Age is just a number...

2010-05-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

That's a saying we hear alot. It struck me this week after a conversation I had with my Aunt on Saturday.

My Aunt and I were talking about my weight loss. I shared with her the goal weight of 160. I explained that my doctor had decided that was a good goal weight for me. My Aunt nodded knowingly (she is adorable)and then asked me how much I weigh now.

There was a day, when that was rude to ask. You never ask a lady how old she is or how much she weighs. That's what we teach our kids right?

The reality is, my weight is out in cyber space for anyone to know - whether they care or not. So I answered..."180."

She gasped. "You still weigh that much?!"

Seriously?

"You don't look like you weigh that much..."

Again. Seriously??

Fortunately, when I started blogging, I left my super sensitive feelings at the door.

What does 180 look like? What does 286 look like? We all know what it looks like for me -but those fairly random numbers will look COMPLETELY different on each and every person on this planet. I am 5'6". I wear 180 much differently than someone who is 5'2".

So this is my point. I doesn't really matter what the scale says. Just like age - it's really just a number. Go for the weight that represents the very best you... and then wear that well.

It probably wouldn't hurt to learn a lesson from my Aunt... Love her to pieces but REALLY???

Going Shopping...

2010-05-24T08:29:00.000-07:00

I have to say. Knowing that I have to tell y'all my weight Monday morning, is a HUGE motivator to me. I sort of dread it all week - but as it approaches I realize just how thankful I am to have this sort of outlet.
Let's get right to it.

Last weeks weight: 182
This weeks weight: 180.8

Weight loss: 1.2 pounds.

I will take it! It was a rough week. SUPER stressful at work so I found myself eating convenient items for the sake of time. I have learned how to make good choices - but these convenient items are pretty typically crammed full of sodium. Couple that with it being that time of the month for me (sorry to any guys out there...) and it definitely makes it tougher.
I did have a couple of fantastic workouts. 6 weeks after breaking my foot, I am easing myself back into running. It felt so good! Not sure that I can get back to where I was before the break - at least not in time for the marathon in a month - but I sure am going to try.

I am going shopping with my mom and sister on Friday. I need to get a few things for summer. I am planning on having an excellent week so that I can feel great trying on clothes....

I hope your week is excellent too! Thanks for reading!

I am dreaming...

2010-05-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

Of this...

and this...

with my favorite people...

I am tired. I would like to spend all day here...

We all have our dreams...

Monday- May 17, 2010

2010-05-17T04:44:00.001-07:00

Well here we are. Monday. I was dreading this day all week. It was an interesting week. Very busy and very stressful. I was working on cutting sugar out of my diet and found that I replaced the sugar with a whole lot of carbs. Because of my busy week I also ate things with a lot of sodium. I did work out 6 days this week though, so that is definitely good.

I was surprised (pleasantly) by the scale this morning. I will say that normally this amount of weight loss in a week isn't optimal, but I do think it's a little skewed. I think when I weighed in last Monday I was retaining a little water, and losing that water is what is inflating the weight loss this week...

Not complaining, just explaining...

Here it is:

Previous weight: 185.4
Todays weight: 182.0

Total weight loss: 3 pounds!!!!

Have a great week!

Win the Week

2010-05-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

With my new accountability plan, I am trying to shift my focus a little bit. I have spent the last 19 months obsessing day in and day out about what I eat, how much water I drink, how many calories I burn exercising. That obsessiveness is part of what got me down 100 pounds to begin with.
As I refocus a little bit, and try to learn to be "normal" again I have decided that it is important to let go of the constant scrutiny of my calories. It's time to learn to live with my new self. My motto going forward is:

WIN the WEEK.

I am a woman, I have hormones. I am a mom, we eat at McDonalds. I am busy, I need fast meals on the go. I am human, sometimes I need a break. So rather than beat myself up emotionally when my day doesn't go the way I want, I have decided that what really matters is that I Win the Week.
It's completely okay to go to greek food with my BFF and enjoy a margarita - as long as I don't bring those margaritas into tomorrow with me... I have the knowledge and skills I need to adjust my diet and exercise to accommodate what life throws at me.

I am excited because I feel like this is the beginning of a really healthy way of living for me. I can see a relationship with food developing, and I am thrilled because it isn't abusive. I still wake up every morning as determined as ever - but I can see the end now, and believe it or not, I am excited for Mondays when I post my progress. I am excited to see if I did in fact - win the week.

See you Monday!

See a Difference?

2010-05-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

We just had our family pictures taken a week or so ago. I was getting kind of tired of only having fat photos.

We have this amazing photographer - his name is Sean Hoyt (check him out at http://www.monkeytreephoto.com/). We have used him for years - our whole family has.

It has been a couple years since our last photo session with Sean - and I thought it would be interesting to share some photos from both sessions. Here a some pictures from 3 years ago - 1 year before I decided it was time to lose weight.

I am particularly grossed out by the one of me and Isaac cuddling on the bench. Just the sheer size of me... My eyes watered up when I saw these again. It's amazing to me how squinting my eyes were.

Here are our latest pictures. While I still have a few pounds to go, I am sure you will see why I am proud of what I have accomplished.

Accountability

2010-05-10T04:37:00.000-07:00

Okay...so here it is. I eluded to my new accountability plan in my last post. I have stayed away longer than usual because I was mentally preparing myself for this post...

I have decided to take a break from working out with a trainer. While my work pays for a nice chunk of it (I am so blessed) they don't pay for all of it. Chad and I have some very specific financial goals for the next year - and this just doesn't fit into those goals. Secondly, as summer approaches, and the weather gets nicer, I have realized that I don't want to have to go to the gym at a certain time. If it's sunny and my kids want to go to the park - I don't want to have to say "sorry, mommy has to go to training." Finally, Chad is trying to work out more, and I want to be supportive of that. He has supported me for almost 2 years and he deserves the same in return. If he wants to go work out - then I should be able to be flexible enough to fit that in.

What it really comes down to for me is: If I haven't learned enough to lose the last 25 pounds - then I have wasted my time and money.

So, I am going to finish on my own. But not really on my own - I have so much support. I have created, with this blog a support system, and even if you don't comment, I know you are reading. The accountability this blog gives me is a gigantic reason why I will succeed! Here's my plan:

On Mondays - I will weigh in and I will post my weight so you can see my progress. AHHHH!!! I think it's good though. It's a big motivation on the weekend to know that I have to post on Mondays. You can hold me to it. If you don't see my post on Monday - comment on that please. This will happen every Monday until I have lost the last 25 pounds.

I will update my blog to have a ticker of some sort but for now:

Weight on Monday May 3rd: 186.8

Weight on Monday May 10th: 185.4

Loss of 1.4 pounds.

By the way... isn't that saying on the photo perfect??

A Drug Like no Other

2010-05-05T07:08:00.001-07:00

This is my addiction. While it is not as deadly as some other recreational drugs - it is all consuming. It controls me. It impacts me. It has changed me.

My drug is sugar.

Some of you may laugh. Some of you may not understand. Some of you may not be ready to accept that you are also an addict.

This is not a joke.

Look at how much sugar looks like another drug we know of...It rocked my world last night when I realized that a pile of sugar does not look that different from a pile of cocaine.

I need an intervention.

I am beginning to think that sugar is more dangerous. Cocaine is a secret. Sugar is crafty. It disguises itself well in happy treats like ice cream, cotton candy and m&m's. It's in my coffee every morning. It's at my kids birthday parties and weddings and sugar surrounds me at work.

Sugar follows me everywhere.

Sugar might not have the immediate affects that other drugs might have - but in the long run it is deadly, debilitating and all consuming. Trust me... I am consumed.

I need help.

I need counseling - oh wait! I'm already in counseling. Thank God!

I need help.

Will you help me? You might have to be harsh, demanding or flat out mean. I need it. This has to go. It is sabotaging all of my best efforts. I give you permission, to do what is needed. I give you permission to say the hard stuff.

I don't have to like it - but I do need to beat this.

Energizer Bunny

2010-05-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

One of the things I struggle with - is the ability to know when to stop. I could literally eat - especially candy or ice cream (sugar is my drug of choice) all day long and never know when to stop. I told my doctor that it is as if I don't have an "off switch."

Most people get full, or start to get a tummy ache or SOMETHING that tells them it's time to put the candy down. Not I. I just keep going and going and going... kind of like the Energizer bunny. In fact, I am fairly certain we are related.

At any rate, I have started noticing tummy aches when eating things that aren't good for me. I know it's fine to have a few of something... At first I was annoyed with the tummy ache - until I noticed that pattern and the fact that it was making me want to stop eating whatever I was munching on.

It's almost as if - after almost 2 years - I am slowing growing my off switch.

Won't that be nice???

Scared to look...

2010-04-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

Ever since I wrote the "stalled out" blog - I have been thinking alot about some of the mental / emotional reasons that may have helped with the stall out. This may not be the only thing - but what I have realized is this...

I am really scared to look.

It's like my body (the one I am working towards) is this huge mystery to me. I have never been smaller than I am now. I have no idea what I look like smaller - and quite frankly -I am freaked out!

What if I don't like how I look when I am done?

Next year, Chad and I are renewing our vows in Hawaii. I REALLY want to wear a strapless dress for the "wedding" and a bikini (board shorts with a bikini top) on the beach. These are great goals, and I have more than a year to accomplish them - but what if I do all this work, and still can't wear a bikini or a strapless dress?

While I get that my looks and size don't determine who I am as a person, a mom, a wife and a friend - I have to be honest and say - that will be a HUGE disappointment.

Ugh.

Stalled Out...

2010-04-27T08:47:00.001-07:00

Okay...it's time to 'fess up. I have officially stalled out on my weight loss. A couple of major things have happened the last couple of months to cause the stall out. I have hesitated to write about this because I am not entirely thrilled with how I handled the first of the two situations. I have decided though - that moving forward, I am going to step up my transparency and share more details going forward. I will explain more about this later. For now - here is the scoop.

Remember that super fun, super relaxing family trip to Great Wolf Lodge back in March? Yeah... not so much. 1 hour into our stay - my back went out rendering me unable to do anything other than sit around. No water slides for me. I was miserable. I couldn't walk or stand up straight. Every time I moved the muscles in my back would spasm. I was so bummed out about missing the fun time with my hubby and kids.

When we got home, my attitude only got worse. I was so depressed - and as I used to, I turned to food to make me feel better. I ate and ate and ate...it was awful. After a few days of eating everything in sight, I felt so guilty that I stopped eating entirely. Not good. My back took the better part of a couple of weeks to heal, and here I am almost two months later - wishing I had handled myself better.

I eased back into exercise and training for my half and full marathons, and on April 11th I ran in a 12K to see if I had lost any ground.
I was thrilled with my race (as you probably read) and I spent the next couple of days excited about where I was at. Until...my left foot started to hurt. It hurt pretty bad - but I have this ridiculous pain tolerance, so I went about my normal routine all week including a 10 mile training run on Sunday. My foot hurt the first part of the run - but eventually it went numb, I got into my running zone and I felt great. That is until I stopped running...then my foot swelled up so much I thought it was going to explode out of my shoe. I sat in my sisters car and wept.

Kara offered to take me to urgent care - but because I am super smart - I chose to go home and ice it instead. I knew something was wrong when I got up in the middle of the night to go potty - and I fell because my foot wouldn't hold me. Grudgingly, I went to the doctor the next morning and wouldn't you know it? Broken! SERIOUSLY???

So here I am, the second month in a row with an injury that changes everything. My rescheduled half marathon has to be rescheduled again, and the full marathon seems totally unrealistic. It's hard though, because I was so focused on that goal for so long. I have worked so hard and I really wanted that accomplishment for myself.

I am happy to say - that my attitude during this injury has been the complete opposite of when I hurt my back. I am trying hard to remain positive and focused. I can still make progress if I make the right choices. Depression is such an easy place for me to visit - I just don't want to do that again. The story is much cooler with a positive outlook. I want my story to be inspiring, and happy - and while there will always be tough moments, I want those tough moments to teach me - not set the tone for my life. I can't control the healing process of my foot - but I can control my attitude and how I handle it.

This is my story to write.

I Would Die for You...

2010-04-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

I love this song. I heard it for the first time on my ipod at the gym. I wanted to skip over it at first, because it doesn't really have the pep I like to hear to help me through my run - but something stopped me, and I ended up listening over and over and over...

I love this picture. It haunts me... So many things, so many emotions...

I Would Die for You

by Mercyme

And I know that I can find You here

'Cause You promised me You'll always be there

Times like these, it's hard to see

But somehow I have a peace, You're near

And I pray that You will use my life

In whatever way Your name is glorified

Even if surrendering

Means leaving everything behind

My life has never been this clear

Now I know the reason why I'm here

You never know why You're alive

Until you know what you would die for

I would die for You

And I know I don't have much to give

But I promise You I will give You all there is

Can I possibly do less

When through Your own death I live?

No greater love is found

Than of those who lay their own lives down

As sure as I live and breathe

Now I know what it means to be free

Excited!

2010-04-21T15:36:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of my lunch these days. Come to think of it - this could also be a picture of my dinners as well. There's not a lot of variety in my food right now. While the meal in general looks yummy - when this is what you HAVE to eat, it's the last thing you WANT to eat. I know you guys know what I mean.

Even though my food doesn't excite me... here's what does:

I am just inches away from being a size 8. I have NEVER in my entire life been a size 8.

I am just weeks away from accomplishing my goal.

I feel AWESOME! I feel healthy and athletic.

My attitude is positive - which is more than I can say about where I was at this time last month.

I feel generally excited to start each day - to plug away at my goal. I am excited to see what I can can accomplish.

So you see... I am okay with food that doesn't excite me. That's not really it's intended purpose anyway. I can see that I am starting to remove the emphasis from food, and beginning to put it where it belongs. On my family, my friend, myself and my God.

Food Ideas

2010-04-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have had some more requests for ideas of what to eat when trying to lose weight. I am currently trying to get back in the habit of tracking every little thing I put in my mouth. It's a habit I got out of - but I am reminded what a valuable tool it is for holding myself accountable. Here is what I am eating this week:

6:00 am

coffee with cream

egg whites with pico de gallo

whole wheat english muffin with strawberry preserves

9:00 am

greek yogurt with raspberries ( I LOVE greek yogurt! Super high in protein!!!)

12:00 pm

1/2 cup brown rice, 4 ounces PLAIN chicken breast, asparagus

3:00 pm

sugar free jell-o, apple

6:00 pm

1/2 cup brown rice, 4 ounces tilapia (seasoned with lemon), large handful of green beans

9:00 pm

sugar free popsicle(s)

The sugar free jell-o and popsicles are a new addition to my menu. My trainer has given me permission to basically eat as many of these as I need to satisfy my sweet tooth. The jell-o only has 10 calories per little cup and the popsicles only have 15. WAY better than any candy - no matter how low cal they say they are!

The battle of good and evil...

2010-04-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

It's a scene depicted in movies, TV shows and books. The angel and the devil - pulling the poor, confused person upon whose shoulders they reside - back and forth, back and forth. The unsuspecting human shouldering these bickering figments of their imagination - knows that the angel is right - but the devil has such influence.

Welcome to my world.

I am sure I am not alone - but when the proverbial devil is winning, it sure does feel lonely. Here was the conversation this morning:

Devil: Why are you even trying to run 10 miles? You can't do that...

Angel: of course you can do that - you ran 7.6 last weekend.

Devil: Whatever - 10 miles is way further, and what are you wearing? YOU can't wear spandex running pants.!

Angel: Of course you can wear those - that's what runners wear. Just think - a year ago those pants wouldn't have even fit you.

Guess who won?

These two fought the whole way to the track. It starts to make me feel crazy. Like the inside of my head is filled with 14 conversations, and everyone is talking at once and everyone is yelling, and I can't actually tell whose voice I really want to hear. Eventually, the devil ends up yelling the loudest.Even though I know - deep down that he is wrong - this devil of mine has lived on my shoulder for a really long time now; alot longer than the angel has. It's so much easier to just default to what the devil has to say to me. I have believed the devils words for so much longer. Plus isn't is always a little easier to believe the bad stuff than the good.

I guess I should feel encouraged. I am pretty sure I haven't been aware of my angel until recently. I am glad she is there. I hope I can start listening to her more. The other one is such a b*@#h!

I have this friend...

2010-04-14T05:46:00.000-07:00

I have this friend...

she is beautiful

she is kind...

My friend makes me laugh so hard - sometimes I forget to breathe.

I have this friend...

she is spontaneous

she is laid back...

My friend is so many things that I am not.

I have this friend...

she gives big

she loves big...

My friend takes my breath away.

I have this friend...

she takes care of her family

she takes care of her friends...

My friend takes care of others, even when others don't take care of her.

I have this friend...

she loves Jesus

she loves me...

My friend makes my heart so full, sometimes I think it might explode.

This is my Alyssa.

Important Race

2010-04-11T20:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend I decided to run in the Seattle Seahawks 12K. For those of you who don't know - 12K is 7.6 miles. Also, for those of you who don't follow football - the Seahawks are our professional football team. I am not a star struck person - but put me around a couple of professional football players, and I can barely contain myself! Here's a picture of how I feel before seeing football players:

I am training for my half marathon (now scheduled for Mother's Day). I knew this race would be a good indicator of where I am on my training. I wasn't sure I would be able to run this whole race. I tried to tell myself it would be okay if I walked part of it - even though I know I would have been disappointed if I had. Here's a few cool things about this race:

1. I DID run the whole thing.

2. Not only did I run the whole thing - but I shaved 9 minutes off my previous time.

3. There were football players handing out water along the way (sigh).

And most importantly,

4. This was the first race my husband and kids have ever come to.

My kids were so excited and proud.They ran alongside me when they had a chance. If I had any thoughts of walking that race, they vanished as soon as I saw them. Chad was proud too, but for some reason he always seem to already know I can do these things. Wish I was that confident about myself.
Anyway, the countdown to my half marathon is on. Less than one month away... I suppose Chad knows I can already do that one too...

I am so blessed to have the most amazing group of women to run with. We all run at different levels - but our support of each other is unwavering. These ladies make running so much fun!I love you ladies! Thank you for everything...

Sticks & Stones....

2010-04-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

"Sticks and stones may break my bones - but words will never hurt me."

WHO wrote that? Are they out of their mind? Why did our parents teach us this little diddy? Because in my world - the words are killers for me. Words are so powerful that with their presence we can permanently damage someone, but their absence can be just as painful.

This week, someone called me "fat." This person is not significant to me. He doesn't have a place in my world - not even a little. And yet this word, this adjective, this insult that he threw my way has had me reeling for most of the week. I am trying to make it not matter - but it's out there, and the reality is, I still see "fat" when I look in the mirror so the fact that someone else said it... Even without validation, truth or justification - it still stings.

Equally this week, I am needing some validation, some praise, some encouragement. Partly to counter balance the "fat" comment and partly because I am a girl and I need to hear I am loved. I need to hear I am good, determined, feisty. I need to know that I matter.

It might seem cliche - but say what you need to say to the people you love. Don't assume you have unlimited time. Even if you do have a lifetime - there will never be any harm done in letting the people around you know how they affect you...why they matter to you. INVEST in your friends and family. The return will always be abundant.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones - but words will never hurt me."

I won't be teaching this to my kids...

Everything has a place...

2010-04-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

and for that matter - every person has a place. We are surrounded by people almost every minute of our day. Those people have, no matter how large or small, an impact on our world. Something I have been thinking about alot lately - is whether or not I have the right people in their proper place. Honestly, the only people who I think have remained consistently where they belong, is my kiddos. Their significance, and impact has always been substantial.
It's easy to allow friends, co-workers, acquaintances (insert various relationships here...) to steal one of those coveted top spots. While I do believe that people are put in our world for a reason, I am realizing how important it is to place those people around me in relation to where "my people" already are. Does this make any sense? The people with influence should be in layers of sorts. For instance, my inner layer - the people closest to me - should really only be Jesus, Chad, Isaac and Hope. Everyone else - should function secondary to them.
The other element to this confusing thought of mine, is how important it is to not try to put someone else in a spot that should be otherwise occupied by someone else. For me, a good example of this would be my relationship with my mom and my mother-in-law. My relationship with my mom has always been a struggle. When I married Chad, it was so easy to allow my mother-in-law to fill the place that was meant for my mom. Now don't get me wrong - my mother-in-law is one amazing woman - but trying to make her fit in my moms spot, will ultimately fail for everyone. The best thing I can do, now that I have realized this, is to accept my relationship with both women - as challenging as they may be - and just let them be. Forcing something that isn't is like trying to put a square puzzle piece into a spot meant for a circle.
Eliminate the confusion. Acknowledge your people - and learn from them. God hand picked them just for you. It may be easier said than done - but something tells me that once it's done - things will be alot easier.

Fueled by Frustration

2010-04-01T06:35:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I was having a particularly frustrating day. Nothing specific really, just basically I was lame. It was one of those days that I probably should have just gone back to bed after the first few mishaps. Ever have one of those days?

It wasn't a particularly good food day either. On my way to work I had to stop and get donuts for the birthdays in my group. At lunch I ran errands with a co-worker and we ended up at Dick's Drive In for lunch - and I already knew that I was having a girls night at The Melting Pot. Holy Cow!

After lunch, I continued to get more and more frustrated by my seemly endless stupidity. Seriously? How did I manage to ever land a job??? As I was frustrated, I realized that the frustration fuels my need to eat. I am happy that I noticed it because I was able to take a second and analyze it. I knew I wasn't hungry because I had basically just finished lunch. I also knew that I wasn't craving anything in particular. What my frustration made me want to do, was the actual motion of putting food in my mouth. I wanted a little pile of something that I could continuously pop into my mouth. I wanted the pile of little somethings to be never ending AND yummy although I really didn't care if it was salty or sweet ( I am typically a sweet person myself.)

Fortunately, I didn't have anything. I popped a piece of gum and tried to get back to the business of being lame. I haven't stopped thinking about what appears to be my way of self-soothing myself. Obviously, I have spent years comforting myself with food. This has to end. Food isn't meant to comfort me. Temporary lameness does not mean I need to consume hundreds of extra calories. Now...if I could just find something I can do instead of eating when I have that urge.

Any ideas???

Scaling the Wall

2010-03-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

This is a hard post for me. I honestly never thought I would be writing it. It's funny because I thought I was doing okay... until last night....

Today, I will work out with my new trainer Grant for the first time. I am sure he is great. He comes highly recommended and he works at the gym at my work, so I can get my training in on my lunch breaks. I am so fortunate for that. I really think that will help my schedule. I am sure that Grant will make me work hard, and I am sure I will see results. I also know that he's not Dan.

Even though I don't write about him all the time, I know that what I do write conveys to you how important Dan has been in my journey to getting healthy. I think I have also successfully conveyed to you what a good, patient person he is. Trust me - you have to be patient to deal with me!

Last year, Dan and I along with Debbie and our friend Matt did the Winter Pineapple Classic together. This is a 5K run with obstacle course. Here is a picture of me scaling the climbing wall during this race:

You can see my head peaking over the top, and Dan sitting on the wall talking me through it. Scaling this wall took me forever! I didn't realize how high up we were until I was up there. Once I was straddling the wall, he had to keep talking me through it. When I finally got down the other side, all of the people patiently waiting for me (see, I told you patience is required when dealing with me) cheered. Maybe they were cheering for me. Maybe they were cheering because it was finally their turn. Who knows.

This picture is so representative of where I am at today. I have lost 103 pounds! I have climbed the wall. I have made it over and I am just about to touch ground. I have done it all with Dan's help. But this where I move on. I am grateful that natural circumstances have helped facilitate the end of my time training with Dan. Now it is time for me to take what Dan has taught me, and finish this for myself. Today, I will show Grant what I am made of. I will show Grant that I am strong and determined and he will know that I had a good teacher.

I will never be able to look back on this part of my life without thinking of Dan. There aren't enough words to express how grateful I am to have had the opportunity to train with Dan. More than that, to be friends with Dan. I hope he knows I am proud of him. I am proud of the choices he is making. I am proud of the ways I have watched him grow. I hope he knows my world, and my life is better, because I knew him.

What do I Know of Holy?

2010-03-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

This song stops me in my tracks every time I hear it. Listening to the words, I can't help but acknowledge how much I just simply get in the way. Who do I think I am? Seriously? Like I could ever do it better than God. And yet, daily, hourly, I think for some reason that I am in charge. This song reminds me of how small I really am, to a God who is bigger than life. Even though I am speck, He hold me in his hand none the less... I have added the song to my playlist...the haunting sound of her voice makes it even more powerful. Enjoy!

What Do I Know of Holy?

By Addison Road

I made You promises a thousand times

I tried to hear from Heaven

But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too small

I never feared You at all No

If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?

Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about

How You were mighty to save

Those were only empty words on a page

Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be

The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?

Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

everything went fine...

2010-03-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

So, last night was my first counseling session. I am seeing a counselor that was recommended to my by my doctor - and man is she impressive. If you are curious, you can check her out at www.ginaguddat.com. The picture on her website does not do her justice! She has quite a resume, and I know she is more than qualified. But beyond that, she made me feel SO comfortable and safe. It was so refreshing. I am not really sure what I was expecting from last night - but it was fairly anti-climactic, which is how the first session should really be.

Gina had some fantastic thoughts for me. I defiantly have to unpack them a little bit - and once I do, I can't wait to share.

Something funny that happened last night: when she brought me up to the room - she had this cute little sitting area set up with a wicker love seat, arm chair and a stool. She told me to pick whichever I was most comfortable in. The love seat was my preference - but I didn't pick it because it was facing the wall covered in mirrors (this room is also where she teaches yoga.) I chose the wing chair because it was bigger than the stool - but after a few minutes, I couldn't stand it anymore. I really wanted to sit cross leg but didn't want to see myself in the mirrors. At that point, I proceeded to rearrange her furniture so that the love seat was no longer facing the mirrors. She was great (took a lot of notes...that could be bad.) At any rate, I felt right at home and proceeded to talk her ear of for the next 55 minutes!

Thanks for all the prayers...they worked!

Counseling is available...

2010-03-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight. I am nervous and excited. What will she think of me? Am I normal? Don't answer that.

Please pray. I need to be open and honest and receptive.

I will upate you later.

Thank you.

feeling a little lost...

2010-03-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

So, you may have noticed that my last few posts have been nothing special. Alot of surface, blah blah if you ask me. In the future, if you see that from me, you should know it's time to pray. My desire for this blog is to help others. To be accountable to what I have said I would do. Posts about Great Wolf Lodge and Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream do nothing. I have wondered a few times, if more people would read, follow, write comments if I write about something less sensitive. If I fill my blog with subjects that don't make people think - will they find it more enjoyable to read?

Unfortunately, I can't do that. It's not real to me. I know that there are times when people skip my blog because they don't feel like dealing with themselves. When they purposefully don't click on mine because they are afraid that I might say something that is real to them and might make them aware they are hurting. Here's the thing - I will NEVER be like that. I say what is on my mind and heart ALL THE TIME. Maybe that's not always good - but it is who I am. Dan has always said that when he reads my blogs, he can hear me saying the words I have written. That folks, is the reality of Jetta.

I believe that when your heart is ready to receive - you will click on my blog. I want readers. I want lots of readers - but only when they are ready. It took me a long time to get ready to share. I know that what I have to say matters to SOMEONE. Maybe it's just me that it matters to. Not really sure - and I can't really care.

The last few posts have covered up the fact that I was hurting and struggling. It was big, and I am still formulating. It will be written about - in God's timing because it is relevant. God is good, His mercy endures forever. AMEN!

I blame Deana...

2010-03-21T19:15:00.000-07:00

I am madly in love with Tillamook's Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream. Seriously, if you haven't tried it - don't. You will become an addict. If you already are an addict - my heart goes out to you.

In my opinion this is simply the best ice cream ever made. There are these gigantic ribbons of peanut butter swirling through rich, creamy chocolate ice cream. It is the most delicious combination of flavors. The peanut butter is just salty enough...

Can you tell I splurged today? I totally blew my diet today and to be honest, I blame my friend Deana. I blame Deana because she introduced me to this perfectly scrumptious evil creation. I blame Deana because...well, because I can.

Brave girl...

2010-03-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I had never heard of Brave Girls Club at all until my cousin Lissa went to Brave Girls Camp. At first, when I looked at her pictures - I didn't think much of it. Sure it looks gorgeous there, and Lissa obviously had a blast, but it wasn't until I read one of Brave Girls Club Facebook posts that I realized that Brave Girl Camp is something I HAVE to do. Now it seems like the perfect ending to this journey that has shown me that I am BRAVE, WORTHY and STRONG. I was reading the Facebook posts to my hair gal last night - and each one brought tears to my eyes.

The tricky part for me is that I really struggle with doing anything special for myself. If I finally splurge, I usually feel guilty and think of all the other things I could be doing with my time or money. I need to work on that. Everyone deserves a splurge - especially us hard working mommies.

Brave Girls' Club is a phenomenal ministry. If you haven't yet - check it out at http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/ - you will discover that you are inspiring.

Anyone want to go???

PS. I hope I am not breaking some sort of blog etiquette by writing about this. Also the pics are taken from the Brave Girls Club Facebook page. I'm just sayin...

"H" is for Help...

2010-03-17T08:30:00.001-07:00

Alot of people ask me - "how do you fit everything in?" That, my friends, is a great question! I do work full time in downtown Seattle. I have two kids, a husband (who is the same as a kid) and a exchange student from China. I have all the same responsibilities as everyone else, and as you know I fit in a couple hours of work outs just about everyday plus training for my marathon which takes many hours. Since family time is a requirement -the first thing to go is sleep...who needs it anyway right?

Here's the real answer though. I have HELP. My mom and my mother-in-law help me a ton with my kids. With the kids come the parties, play dates, cub scouts... Ask anyone - I used to throw phenomenal parties for my kids with handmade invites, gorgeous cupcakes and fantastic goodie bags. These days...I have HELP. The cookie at the top of this post was made by my friend Rachelle Chavez at Sugar me Sweets (check her out on Facebook). They were delicious! She packaged them adorably and they were a huge hit!

Last year, for my sons 7th birthday - my friends at http://www.pixyprintlane.com/ made these invites -

I think they turned out perfectly and even though it cost me a little more money - it freed up the time I needed to be with my family.

It was hard at first for me to let go of these kind of details. I love to throw extravagant parties. I love to spoil my kids and their friends. But I have to pick my things. Thank goodness for all you creative people who help make my life easier! What would I do without you???

Let's be real...

2010-03-15T05:07:00.001-07:00

While we were on our little get-away this weekend, I got to spend some time at the spa. This quiet time alone, gave me plenty of time for my mind to run wild. Fortunately, things didn't get too crazy in this little head of mine, instead I was able to stay fairly focused.

I spent most of the time thinking about my first counseling session - which is coming up on March 24th. Naturally, I am pretty nervous, but I am excited as well. I want to be healthy, not just thin. In my quiet, alone thinking time, here is what I thought about. When I was almost 300 pounds and essentially eating myself to death, how come no one suggested counseling then? Now they are nervous that I might exercise too much and get too thin, so I had better get some help? Seriously?? My issues with food have existed almost my whole life. All I have done now is traded one eating disorder for another.

I think it is easier to call obesity a medical issue rather than an eating disorder. To throw some medication at it and call it good. Here's the deal. If you eat to console, soothe or calm your nerves. If you eat because you are happy, sad or anxious - the reality is there is something going on inside that needs to be dealt with. You can ignore it if you want. I sure did. I have spent the last 18 months thinking that if I was determined enough, strong enough, stubborn enough, then I could win this battle. The truth is - I can win this battle, but I need help.

I wish I had started this part sooner.

What I want to say is...if you are overweight, and you are wanting to lose weight and get healthy, I know it's hard to get started. If the gym scares you and you aren't quite ready to count calories. Start here. Start with finding someone to talk to. Someone who can help you define you relationship with food. JUST START. Don't wait. I can practically guarantee - that if you can get this part started, the weight loss will follow.

Now, if you are a person who is like me and lost weight already, take a minute and be 100% real with yourself. In the privacy of your heart and mind. In the quiet of your home, examine your place in all of this. If you think you want help - just ask. If you are like me, you have invested time, energy and money into getting healthy. Finish strong - and make it count.

We can so do this!

get-away

2010-03-12T15:50:00.001-08:00

This weekend, I will be enjoying some time away with my 3 favorite people. We are headed for The Great Wolf lodge tomorrow. I have heard awesome things about this place. I can't wait to see for myself.

The kids are so excited. Daddy is excited - and to be honest, I am excited. I am excited for time with my family without a bedtime or a list of things to do. I won't be going to the gym, or counting my calories. I don't need to clean the house or do the grocery shopping. Isn't it amazing how many things we "have" to do. All of the errands that take time away from the people that matter the most to us. This weekend is all about my people. I CAN'T WAIT!

I hope you all have as much fun as I plan to. Happy weekend!

Happy Birthday Hope!!!

2010-03-09T21:42:00.000-08:00

On July 4, 2004, Chad and I found out we were pregnant. We were cautiously optimistic because we had been working with a doctor who thought she had figured out the reason we had lost so many babies. With the exciting news, we took Isaac, met up with some friends and watched the fireworks down by the water.

4 days later, I lost the baby. My due date would have been March 11, 2005.

While I dealt with my loss, not too far away from where I lived, a woman learned she was pregnant too. She didn't want this baby and was prepared to abort. The babies father talked her out of it. This woman struggled through the whole pregnancy. She struggled with a drug addiction, alcohol addiction and even attempted suicide just days before delivering a perfectly healthy baby girl.

Hope was born on March 10, 2005.

The irony of my due date and Hope's birthday has never escaped me. It still to this day gives me goosebumps. THIS was my baby, my little girl. The one He was preparing me for. She didn't come as I had planned. It was never what I had imagined, but now, I can't imagine it any other way. She was created for our family. Pure and simple. Praise God!

Happy 5th Birthday Hope!

Long Road Ahead

2010-03-07T07:28:00.001-08:00

One of the things I would say is a requirement if you are interested in losing any weight at all - and to keep it off is to make sure you have a great doctor. Check in with them regularly. I love my doctor. She is healthy and fit - and I would NEVER hear her say "don't smoke" and then find her outside on break lighting up. She is a fabulous example for me.
I have checked in with her every couple of months since the beginning of the journey. She is the one who has set my ultimate goal, and she will be the one to tell me when I am finished. I have always enjoyed my appointments with her. It has always felt more like we were friends.

Last week was one of my check in appointments. We went over my diet (she loves the CLEAN diet by the way...) talked about my exercise, my training, my ankle that has been bothering me. We talked about everything really. I felt like the appointment went well, so I was surprised at the end when she handed me a business card for a therapist and recommended counseling. It took me a few days to process what she told me next.
To some extent the process of losing over 100 pounds requires and almost insane and obsessive commitment to excise and calorie reduction. Losing over 100 pounds takes such a long time that the obsessing easily becomes ingrained in who you are becoming. When you have a stubborn control freak like me, and couple it with the insane obsession of losing over 100 pounds - the end result can easily be an eating disorder. My doctor thinks that has happened.

It's so hard for me to write this. I didn't mean for this to happen. I only wanted to be healthy and now I feel like such a gigantic disappointment. Especially to those of you who don't know me.
The important thing to know - is that I did call the counselor she recommended. It will be good for me to talk to someone and learn how to live a normal life once I have reached my ideal goal. My doctor does believe that with the help of a counselor and the support of my team, I will be able to complete this journey and go on to have a healthy relationship with food. That is what I want. I don't want to gain the weight back, so I am going to have to be taught how to live after the diet. I have lost too much time with my family - and my friends to not go to counseling and ensure my long term success.

Nobody likes counseling... I will probably need a Costco pack of Kleenex. This is going to be hard in a different way, but I am going to do this even though its a long, tough road ahead. I would appreciate your prayers...and I so thankful for everyone's support. I need it now, more than ever.

March 3, 2010

2010-03-04T05:55:00.000-08:00

It wasn't what I had expected. I had anticipated the excitement, joy and pride I would feel when I finally got to this place. I'm not sure why my expectations were so high. I didn't anticipate that I would feel "normal." The same way I felt every other day - but that's what it felt like. In fact everything was normal that day.
When I got on the scale, the numbers flashed. I did the math and realized - I had lost 101 pounds. This was my milestone. I had been counting down.

I kept it a secret all day long. I didn't talk about it, I didn't think about it until my day was over and I was wondering why I wasn't talking about it. Why didn't I tell my husband, or my best friends. Why didn't I tell my sister or my trainer...all day long, I just kept it to myself. It bothered me a little that I didn't want to share my accomplishment. Was I disappointed? I sort of wonder if I had thought that the scale would throw confetti at me or something. As if this stupid machine had any clue at what I have accomplished. There was no confetti.

It's March 4th now. I am ready to share. I have decided that it felt good to keep that secret to myself for a day. To look back on what it took to get to this very moment. I am okay that there was no party or drama (or confetti) when it happened. It reminds me of the morning my son was born. When no body knew except Chad and I that he was here. That moment when the secret is bigger then all of us. When it is so exciting you feel like you might explode, but the joy is just as big and you feel like keeping it all for yourself. That was my March 3rd 2010. I have decided it was perfect.

I do think the scale that throws confetti is a great idea. Any investors?

The Toe Ring Story

2010-03-02T05:39:00.000-08:00

In 1999 my husband and I took our first trip to Vegas. While we were there I got toe rings. It was a set of 3 (one eventually broke) and they were very plain. The had no design, they were not adjustable, just plain silver rings. I loved them! With my toes painted, I thought it looked adorable. I wore these toe rings FOREVER. When I say "forever" - I am not kidding. Everyday for 11 years, I wore these toe rings. Since they weren't adjustable, they did not come off easily, so I just left them on all the time. Even if it wasn't comfortable, or my shoes made it awful...the toe rings stayed on. Until now...

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.

I am training for two races. A half marathon on April 11th (oh my goodness) and a full marathon on June 26th (that's right, I AM crazy) and while I was doing an 8 mile training run, my right ankle started to hurt. It started hurting on mile 7, and it didn't hurt bad enough to stop, so I finished up the 8 miles. As the week progressed, my ankle didn't seem to be getting any better, so I went to the doctor. She confirmed that there was no specific injury and suggested Physical Therapy as an addition to my training regimen.

The morning before my first PT appointment, I noticed that the 2nd toe on my right foot was numb and kind of achy. I thought this was strange, even stranger when that pain began to spread throughout my entire foot. As I was driving to work, I began to wonder if the impact from running had caused me to injure my toe, which in turn caused me to injure my foot, which in turn....well you get the picture. Anyway, that night I had my husband remove my toe rings. Sure enough, not only was my toe injured, it was completely deformed! At some point, my toe had broken and had started to heal around my adorable toe rings! Seriously???

Needless to say, I am done with toe rings now. The damage done is enough to make training for my races near impossible. I am determined though - I will complete these two races. I guess I just need to adjust what my expectations are. At this point, if I crawl across the finish line - I will consider it a victory!

The Spa Robe

2010-02-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

I used to go to the spa all the time. It was sort of my thing. The one way I was able to shut my brain off and relax. I would spend the entire day there and enjoy a myriad of services. I am pretty sure that must be what Heaven is like. If you haven't done it - you should try it.

That was a long time ago. That was before my son was born, before we adopted my daughter. That was before I had to go back to work full time...really, that was before the luxury of "free time" and "disposable income" vanished.

Last night, one of my "favorites" Alyssa took me to Oasis Spa, in Woodinville. Beautiful place! We were each getting pedicures and a massage. I was so excited! My massage was first, so the hostess took me into the dressing room, where I was faced with something I had totally forgotten about.

The spa robe...

Now, I realize this shouldn't be scary - but all of sudden I realized that all of the other times I went to the spa, I had to request a larger robe. They would graciously bring me a large and an extra large, both of which would be too small. As a last resort they would apologize and bring me a mens robe.

So hear I am, staring at the spa robe and I check the tag, and sure enough it's a medium. So I stare at it a little longer. What do I do??? Should I get redressed and go ask for a bigger size?

I am fairly certain you can see where this story is going...the robe fit. I was amazed. As is customary at this point - I stood there an cried. I felt like running around and telling everyone in the spa that the robe fit - but I maintained my dignity and just sobbed quietly by myself. Then I went and enjoyed my victory massage.

The "One"

2010-02-24T12:15:00.000-08:00

This picture...taken when I was 3 (not sure why I am wearing ballet clothes on Christmas Eve), is a rare one. It is rare for 2 reasons. It is rare because it has my mom in it, and it is rare because it was one of the few I found where I wasn't already overweight. My mom has never been a fan of having her picture taken - which I think most of us can relate to in some way. But while I was searching for a picture to go with this post, I was surprised to find that I have almost always been heavy.
My mom and I have always struggled. I am not entirely sure why - and since this hurt isn't only mine, I am not really free to talk about it. Those of you who know me well, know that the email below blew me away. I sat at my desk and cried as I read it. It's funny - because the song she quotes - was always special to me I just never really knew why... until now.

I was thinking about you and all you have accomplished...not just with your weight loss but everything and I wanted to remind you of the song that Dad and I always turned up and sang along with that always reminded us of you...

One singular sensation, every little step she takes.

One thrilling combination every move that she makes.

One smile and suddenly no body else will do.

You know you'll never be lonely with you-know-who!

One moment in her presence and you will forget the rest,

For the girl is second best to none, son!

Do I really have to mention, she's the One!

We love you very much even though we don't always see eye-to-eye. You are the "One" to us. Love you.

Mom

Food Ideas

2010-02-23T22:06:00.001-08:00

The most common request I have had is for some meal plans and food ideas. Sometimes it's hard to be creative. Here is an example of what I am eating this week:

6:00 am
Coffee with coffeemate (Italian sweet cream...yum!!!)
1 slice whole wheat toast with 1/2 tablespoon peanut butter

9:00 am
Oatmeal with 1/2 scoop protein powder

12:00 pm
Open face BTA (2 slices turkey bacon, tomato & avocado) sandwich
10 stalks of asparagus (steamed)
1 cup of chocolate pudding

3:00 pm
Slice of cheese OR 24 almonds
Veggies (carrots and celery- as much as I want) with hummus

6:00 pm
1 pork chop and 2 BIG handfulls of steamed green beans

9:00 pm
8 ounce protein shake (after workout)

This is approximately 1600 calories give or take. All of my meals (with the exception of the protein shake) have both carbs and a protein. I drink a minimum of 150 ounces of water per day and I ALWAYS allow myself a treat (the pudding.)

A Special Moment

2010-02-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

This weekend my husband I had the rare opportunity to go out on a "date." This doesn't happen very often, and it has definitely been WAY too long since the last time. Chad and I went to Red Robin (I had my usual, the lettuce wrapped turkey burger) and then we went shopping. I had some gift cards from my girl friends burning a whole in my wallet so we headed to The Gap.

When we walked in, Chad saw this shirt:

and loved it, so I grabbed a large to try on. I took my pile of stuff back into the dressing room, and tried to show him what I was trying on, but he was never really around to show. Finally, I just had him come into the dressing room with me. I tried the shirt on for him. It fit perfectly - but since it's a tank top, we decided I should try the medium since it would still be a few months before I would really be wearing a tank. Chad brought the medium back and I looked at it...it just looked SO SMALL. There was no way....
But you know what??? IT FIT! A medium fit me! I have NEVER IN MY LIFE WORN A MEDIUM!!! I looked at Chad, and I burst into tears. Chad hugged me and told me he loved me.

This might seem silly but for me this was a turning point. You see, I have accomplished many things over the last 17 months, and the victories have all been significant. For some reason though, I have kept my husband at arms length. I have celebrated with everyone but him. This moment, as small as it may seem, is permanently engraved in my memory. It made my heart feel like exploding and it made me realize...

This man, even though he has definately had his not so great moments - has also stood by me through all of mine. Almost 2 decades of putting up with my crap. He deserved to celebrate with me this whole time.

I love that moment in the dressing room. I will never forget it. It will be the start of something new for me, and I am thankful that Chad has stuck around long enough to share that with me.

A Phenomenal Friend

2010-02-18T08:15:00.000-08:00

Through this entire weight loss journey, I have some how managed to gain one of life's most amazing gifts. My friend Debbie. I met Debbie through Dan - we both train with him. Let me just say, that from the beginning she has showed herself to be a truly selfless friend. We all experience people like Debbie, we might not always realize it. They give of themselves in ways that are sometime so subtle that we might not even notice, but when we look back on our time with them, we realize that they were always there.
Recently, Debbie and I started sharing our training sessions. Dan has commented on our competitiveness and the motivation that provides, but I am here to say that the reality is that Debbie is tougher than me ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.
At last nights training session Debbie brought me two gifts. A key chain that says "Every step of the journey IS the journey" and a bracelet that says "The biggest risk in life is the risk we don't take." The gifts were thoughtful (I have had a horrible week)but more than that, the gifts were powerful. They are powerful because the are exactly right and the truth of the matter is that I forget. I forget that being in the journey means that I haven't given up. I haven't quit and I haven't thrown in the towel. Being in the journey means that every morning I get either a continuation or a do-over, whichever I need that day.
I also forget, that being afraid is NEVER productive. It never will be. The victory comes when you take the risk. When you step out and try. That every breath I take, is a chance to succeed. The reality is, I forget that I am worth it.
Since I forget, God has given me Debbie. She seems to think I'm worth it and I have noticed.

Don't be discouraged

2010-02-16T05:51:00.000-08:00

Good Morning~

I was reading through some of my favorite blogs last night, of people on a similar journey. My heart was aching as I read of their frustration. I understand completely, and I definitely have my days. I feel like I need to say...

Don't be discouraged!

You are stronger than any obstacle! The fact that I did this means that you can too! I am a normal person. I am not rich and famous. I don't have access to anything fancy. The only thing I found was my determination.

Don't be overwhelmed by your day. If the day feels too big to conquer - then only do this hour. And when you have been victorious over that hour, conquer the next hour.

Pray for strength. God wants us to take care of our bodies, and even more than that, He wants what we want. ASK FOR IT! CLAIM IT! This victory will be yours.

Here is a picture of Hope sticking her tongue out at our enemies. The cupcakes, candy bars, potato chips that taunt us. The tasks and obligations and laziness that tease us. Neener Neener Neener.... WE ARE STRONGER THAN THAT!

That's all...

I DID IT!!!

2010-02-15T08:08:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to blog today...but I just have to tell you all... I DID IT! I bought a swim suit and I swam. For the first time in over 20 years I swam laps. Not only did I swim laps, but I lost track of time and swam for over an hour!!! I was SO scared to put my suit on, but once I had it on, and I was in the pool I was fine. I was more than fine, I was relaxed. I forgot how much I love the sound of water as it moves around me. I love the quiet of having the pool all to myself.

When I got home, I took a shower (not a fan of how chlorine makes my skin feel...but oh well!) and as I was putting on my make-up I realized how exhausted every muscle in my body was. I had to take a nap. My body hurts all over today - and it is a great feeling. To top it all off, both Chad and Dan told me they were proud of me. I don't think either of these men realize what an impact they have on my life. When they tell me they are proud, I feel like I can fly.

I truly can't believe I waited all these years to get in the water again. To finally find a place where I am relaxed enough to loose track of time...what a treasure. Yay!! I DID IT!!!

The Swimming Story

2010-02-12T04:46:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a little girl. This little girl swam. She was an amazing swimmer. The hardest stroke was her best stroke. The little girl swam in the morning, she swam after school. She swam in the summer and she swam all year long. This little girl had a long lean body that was built to swim. Strong arms that made her go fast and this little girl found joy in winning. She was so good at swimming, that eventually the coach decided she needed to race against the older girls to make it fair. Even then, every time this little girl swam, she brought home gold medals.

One morning, after this little girl was done with her warm up, her coach called her out of the water to talk to her. Coach told her about this amazing opportunity to train at the University of Washington and begin to prepare for the Junior Olympics.
The little girl listened to her coach, and as she listened she watched the water drip from her body into a puddle on the floor. She listened to him talk, and watched her moms face for clues. And when her coach was done talking, this little girl looked at him and simply said "no." Then she walked into the locker room and never ever swam again.

The years went by and the little girl grew up. She grew up and got married, had a baby, lost babies, adopted a baby, but she never swam. She grew up and went to work and gained weight and made friends, but she never swam. She grew up and lost weight and gained weight over and over again and still she never swam. She grew up and cried everytime she watched the Olympics. This little girl grew up and can't help but wonder....what if she had tried?

Once upon a time, there was a grown up girl...and she was considering buying a swim suit and getting in the pool.

What Faith Can Do

2010-02-08T12:30:00.001-08:00

Music has always been such a significant part of my life. I really identify with lyrics to songs. In my life there is a song for almost every event, journey or memory. I love to sing. I sing anytime I can.
For where I am at right now - this song has such a huge impact on me. I guess it's sort of my theme song...my own private pep talk.
For best results - when listening to the You Tube clip - scroll down first and pause my playlist.

What Faith Can Do
By Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Minor Setback

2010-02-08T05:31:00.000-08:00

It is important to me to be candid about my journey. It is even more important to me to be held accountable to what I said I would do. To where I said I wanted to go. That's why it is important to me to tell you that as of this morning, I have officially gained 6 pounds back. In the 2 weeks since the wedding, I have let my guard down, taken a break and allowed myself to self-soothe with food. I have allowed myself to fall back into the same habits and patterns that got me in this mess to begin with. Now, I could give you all of the excuses - there have been a couple big things - but I am going to skip that part. No matters what happens to me, the response was my decision.

I think the biggest difference this morning - as I sit and contemplate all of this - is that I know that I CAN start over. There is still time to finish this. I am grateful that everyday I wake up is one more chance to love, try and succeed. I love that I still have people who believe in me more than I do on the bad days. People who believe in me no matter what I eat. I have people who see a strong, determined (some would say stubborn) person who is achieving my goal. They tell me. They don't doubt I will finish. From that, I can take the little pieces I am missing, and fill in the blank spots in my resolve.

This is me being accountable. Today, I am starting over. The last two weeks, were not a failure....just a minor setback.

Something I Do Know

2010-02-05T05:51:00.001-08:00

I have written about all of the things I don't know about myself. Without a doubt there is something I do know. I do know that I LOVE being the mom of these two kids. They are my ABSOLUTE joy. The entire reason I am doing any of this. The reason I do anything really.
I can't wait to tell you more about them. Their stories are so miraculous that they really require their own post. I faught for these kids. The coolest part of their
stories is that I can look back on my journey to the time and place that God chose to give them to me, and I can understand all of the obstacles that brought me there. God doesn't always reveal the specifics of the journey. But with these kids - He showed me every step and how it was the ultimate preparation.
Isaac and Hope are the reason it was time to get healthy. They are the perfect age to learn about good eating and exercise. They are watching me. Everything I do. They still care and I still have a chance to fix what they were seeing.
It has been fun to watch. Isaac became very interested in calories and what they are and how they work in our bodies. Hope LOVES to do sit-ups with me and always talks about how certain foods will make her strong. Both kids can't wait to watch me run the marathon in June.
As a mom, there are so many things we need to teach our kids. Different lessons come easier for each of us. This isn't our job, it is our privelage. We need to take it seriously and remember that every day counts; every lesson matters. It's easy to forgot sometimes, but important to grasp. Let this be your motivation for starting.

A Season of Rediscovery

2010-02-03T06:30:00.001-08:00

I had a lot of time to think this weekend. Not sure why this weekend was different than any other - but there was quiet time and my mind was going non-stop. In this quiet time, I realized that I don't know much about myself. When I look back on my life, I noticed that I did a lot of things out of obligation. I got married young (19)- so I had grown up responsibilities. I had babies pretty young (26) and we all know how that goes.

I also noticed that I DIDN'T do alot of things because of my weight. Either out of laziness or embarrassment. For instance, I have never been dancing. Too self-conscious. I am kind of curious...would I like dancing? I have never been hiking - too lazy. Would I like hiking? I have always missed out on things because I was afraid. Not sure what I was afraid of - but I have lived with a great deal of fear. My best guess is the fear of rejection or failure. I love to sing - would I like Karaoke or would they boo me off the stage?
As I was processing all of this, I realized that it seems like everyone has a "thing." Chad loves to ski and bike and play video games. My friend Debbie dances everywhere she goes. Even at boot camp she dances between stations. My friend Alyssa LOVES to scrapbook. Lissa is all about decorating; Carrie bakes. But I am wondering, when everything is stripped away. When the obligation and fear are gone, what's my thing? What do I do?
I asked Chad this morning what I like to do. Sadly, he couldn't answer either. WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME??? I started to panic. I mean, if I don't know and my husband doesn't know...
Fortunately - he also assured me that I would figure it out, which I think puts me right smack dab in the middle of a season of rediscovery. Kind of exciting...really. But also a little overwhelming. I feel like I am starting at the beginning.

I have a blank piece of paper and I get to pick whichever color I want. The picture can be of anything at all. The end result...a self portrait.

Just what I needed. (A letter from Carrie)

2010-02-01T08:49:00.000-08:00

My dear friend,

I was reading one of your blogs about how you don't always feel strong and you used food to feel better. I know that food is an addiction for you and it will always be a struggle for you. I have to say after I read that blog I felt so sad.
I know when you look in the mirror you still see the "fat girl" and that you don't see the skinny Jetta and I truly understand what your saying. I wish you would see how amazingly beautiful you are in the inside too. I know that everyone wants to be pretty, but it's more than that for me, your friends, and of course Chad. We all know the beautiful, loving, funny Jetta. For me, I love the love you give to me unconditionally. You are such an inspiration to me. You are so strong and have so much determination.
I know that you are hard on yourself, and that have days where you struggle, but you have to fall and fail to become stronger and that's not a negative thing. I know it's hard to see that when your struggling, but putting yourself down is not acceptable anymore. At the end of the day you say to yourself, "Ok, I made some poor choices, but it's done and I can't change the past. I am going to dust myself off and start again." I feel like your spending too much time feeling sad than happy. You have done something alot of people can't do. You have lost 96 pounds and you just signed up for your first marathon. On those bad days you need to say to myself." I am not going to let this ruin my day, I am strong and I can do it!"I think that when you are having a bad day or struggling with yourself, you have to remember how much inner strength you really have. We all know you have it, YOU just need to remind yourself. When I am having a bad day or struggling I say to myself " Is this really worth my time and energy?" My answer is always the same. It took me a long time to learn to just let things go and walk away from it, but I am good at it now and I know you can do it.

Love,

Carrie

My response:

I love you... and you are right. Yesterdays blog titled 'I love my friends..." is my committment to do just what you are saying - and is giving you guys persmission to tell me exactly what you just said.
I am tired of my own pity party - so I am putting an end to it. I do want to be happy. I want to enjoy life, my family, my kids and this body and health I have worked hard for.

You are right. I have lost 96 pounds - which is amazing and I will run a marathon which is amazing. So many people give up and I didn't. That is amazing.

#6 and #7

2010-01-30T19:27:00.000-08:00

It is easy to get excited as the pounds start coming off. When you can see the rewards for you time at the gym and your healthy food choices. Nothing feels better than getting on the scale and seeing the numbers get smaller. Equally, nothing is more devastating than working just as hard and seeing no change or worse, a slight increase. My advice??? Don't weigh yourself everyday! I wouldn't even recommend weekly weigh in's. I would recommend you weigh in on a monthly basis. Even my trainer only weighs and measures me once a month. Not only are you more likely to see results that make you happy, but a daily or weekly weigh in really isn't an accurate measurement. The change in your size is a much more accurate way to gage what is happening with your body. It's important to feel proud of what you have accomplished. The change your body is making won't always match with what the scale says. Rejoice in your smaller size!!! Eventually the scale will catch up.

PS. I am still working on this...

#7
I highly recommend having gum on hand at all times. So many of us eat out of boredom. Those calories are such a waste! If you want to splurge, save those calories for something you really LOVE eating - for me that's chocolate. Don't use up your calories because you are bored. Chew gum instead. It keeps your mouth busy, and if you pick the right kind, it can make you feel like you are having a little piece of candy. My current favorite is Orbit Mist - Watermelon Spring. It reminds me of a watermelon Jolly Rancher. It's perfect when I am craving something sweet.

I LOVE MY...

2010-01-28T08:07:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I got in a fight with one of my favorite people. I won't go into details, they know who they are. For obvious reasons, the fight put a pretty big damper on my day. That evening I got to have some time to think - and the events of the day lead to some pretty significant processing. Here's what I came up with.

I have an amazing husband, and I have amazing friends. My family is of course amazing as well, but they didn't get to pick me. My husband and my friends chose me. They met me,learned me and saw enough in me to choose me. Since I think my people are the best ever, I realized that it must be a little insulting for them to have to put up with the extreme nature of my negative self image. My friends know that I am worth it, and they have chosen to stick it out. The ones who couldn't see my value, left a long time ago, and that's okay. The one's that are left are real.

Here's the other thing about the friends I have now - they all attend my pity parties. I have hosted MANY pity parties over the last few years, and they have all showed up. The difference I can see in these people, is that after my pity party, they all called me on my crap. We will all have these parties, and we do need guests to attend - but let's be honest, pity parties should be short and sweet. They are not a good place to hang out. My favorite people are willing to attend, but they do not let me hang out there.

Since I believe my friends are some of the wisest, funnest, coolest people on earth, it's time that I believe that they chose me for a reason. I do know that God has given me a heart to love my people. I love to serve my friends. God made me capable of being a great friend to others. He gave me characteristics that make me lovable and valuable. I haven't seen them for a long time - but my husband and friends have.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for seeing something worth loving. Moving forward I promise to make a conscious effort to find value in myself. I will work at biting my tongue when I want to criticize or make fun of myself. I can't promise all of this today - but I will work on it. And since I know you so well, if I don't do these things, I know you will call me on it. I LOVE YOU!