The Story of Gabriel (part 2 - the part where I was forced to face my fears.)

There's nothing like 11 weeks of bedrest...

I know there are women who have to be on bedrest for much longer - but holy cow this felt like FOREVER!

So much happened in these 11 weeks, it would be impossible to tell you all of it. I do know, that sitting around your house alone for 11 weeks might not force you to go crazy, but it will force you to deal with some crap. At first I was pretty depressed and I slept almost all day long. It was so hard for me to be alone. I went from having a constant stream of visitors everyday at the hospital - to sometimes going days without seeing anyone except Chad. This is so hard for me. I am such a people person and I missed my people! As time went on, I stopped sleeping so much and started thinking more. I began having horrible nightmares. These nightmares kept me awake at night and haunted me all day long. In my nightmare, no matter what was happening, the outcome was always the same - I gave birth to a baby boy; a baby boy who was dead. It got so bad that I actually could never even picture Gabe without him being dead. It was awful. After weeks of this torture - I realized that if I wanted to give myself the best chance possible for the birth experience I wanted, I had to get rid of this ridiculous fear. As my due date grew closer, I knew I had to do something drastic and I sought the help of a phenomenal Hypno Therapist.

I am not dumb - I know this revelation will raise a lot of eyebrows and will most likely draw a great deal of criticism - and to that all I can say is, do your research and don't knock it until you try it.

I am so thankful that my two best friends - who I consider phenomenal christian women, recommended Kira to me. My therapy session was powerful and so healing beyond words. I want so much to tell you about it here, but there is no way to describe it adequately this way. What I can tell you is that I know now, that my fear of Gabriel dying was a product of years and years of miscarriages. Of 10 babies who I had knowledge of and fell in love with only to have them leave me. As time went on, and my family in heaven continued to grow, I truly began to believe that I just simply didn't deserve to have those babies. It was amazing to me that Gabriel had stayed in my belly so much longer than all the others - so it only made sense to me that since I didn't deserve the joy of having another baby, he too would die and leave me alone.

I can tell you now that a miscarriage breaks your heart. I can tell you also that it makes you feel physically broken. But I am happy to say, that the day I went to hypno therapy was the day I finally let all of my babies go to heaven. I felt and looked visibly relieved, and I was because you see I had been carrying those babies with me for all those years. That burden was big and it was heavy and letting it go was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had.

Once my fear was dealt with, I was able to sleep and dream of the day I would give birth to my beautiful, ALIVE baby boy. I sang to my belly for the first time that night. I sang praise songs because I felt JOYFUL and finally excited about having a baby. The fear was gone - and now I could count down the days with anticipation. What a remarkable feeling...

The Story of Gabriel (part 1 - the part that scared us)

It has taken me a few weeks to process. We are definitely still adjusting. My family is adjusting to life with a sibling; a newborn. Meanwhile, I need to adjust to that and to the fact that my pregnancy has ended. I am chubbier than I would like to be; sleepier than I am used to and I have milk. Wow. The reality is, I have been absent from blogging from almost the entire 2nd and 3rd trimester of my pregnancy. What happened during those weeks - I still process daily. Little snipits are all I can handle. I am thankful though, that in a day that now is filled with nursing, and poopy diapers - I have moments when I can look back on a pregnancy that seriously changed EVERYTHING for us; a pregnancy that, for a while was the scariest time of my life; but a pregnancy that I believe, ultimately saved my life. Here's the story... I will pick up where the scary part started - December 30, 2010.

This was Christmas break for my kids and myself. We had a great first part of break. Lots of rest and lots of fun activities. It's what I really wanted since it was my last concentrated time alone with just the two of them. On this particular day - I felt really gross. I was totally lacking energy, had no appetite, and really just couldn't get out of bed. I had called my sister to come over so that I could sleep more. Later that afternoon, I pulled myself out of bed so that the four of us could head to Costco. We were getting ready to head out the door, and my spastic puppy Bailey kind of lunged at me. She hit me square in the belly. The impact of her made me feel gross - mostly just queasy, but nothing that caused me too much concern. We went to Costco. At Costco, I continued to feel gross. Nothing horrible, just really blah. After Costco we headed to our favorite Pho restaurant for dinner. As is standard, particularly in the last trimester - I had to pee. When I went to the restroom, I discovered that I was bleeding. Now, blood is never a reassuring sight at any point in pregnancy - so I made a call to my midwife. Long story short (too late, I know...) we ended up in the ER. They did an ultrasound and some blood work. My cervix was about 50% effaced and the monitors were picking up lots of contractions. I was admitted pending the results of the blood tests. The results came the next morning indicating that blood was swapped between me and the baby via a partial abruption of my placenta. The plan was for me to stay at the hospital until my bleeding and contractions stopped. Unfortunately, this didn't happen quickly. The reality was - I was 25 weeks pregnant and at risk of having a baby who really didn't have much of a chance at life. Chad and I were terrified beyond words. At that point, we made the decision to transfer my care from the hospital I was at - to an OB at a different hospital who is a dear friend of ours. I transferred hospitals on January 2nd. I remained in the hospital until January 12th. It was the longest, loneliest 15 days of my life. My heart hurt. My head was spinning. There was so much fear. It had taken me months to accept the pregnancy. I had just started to wrap my head around the whole thing. Did God really bring me all this way only to take this baby away from me? Was that a possibility?

My husband and my sister took turns sleeping at the hospital with me. There was one night when neither of them could stay. As I layed in my bed, waiting for my Ambien to kick in, I tried talking to God. It had been a long time since I had talked to God. I really didn't know what to say, so I ended up crying, those big silent tears you almost don't notice and just saying "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." until I eventually fell asleep.

On January 12th - I was discharged and came home to finish my pregnancy on bed rest. My mission - whether I accepted it or not - was to grow this person. Every day mattered. Every day that he stayed in gave him that much more of a chance. Let the bed resting commence...

PS. The picture of Hope and I was taken on one of our "family movie nights" while I was in the hospital.

PRESENTING....

Gabriel Martin Anderson!!! He has arrived! It's still hard to believe. He was born on Sunday March 20, 2011 at 5:17 am. He weighed in at 6 lbs 12 oz and was 18 inches long. Labor was fast and furious. Seriously - 2 hours and 52 minutes from start to finish. I have had several requests for my birth story - and I am excited to share it. I am currently piecing the events together with the people who were with me. Once that's done, I will share the story of Gabriel. For now, all I can say is... This boy rocks my world!

Looking back - Looking ahead

Wow. It's been months, literally since my last post. I can't help but wonder if blogging would have been therapeutic these last few months of my pregnancy. SO much has happened. Too much for this post. It's been a scary start to 2011 - but the important thing remains, that Gabriel and I are still healthy and plugging along.

As I get closer to the end of my pregnancy - I can't help but start to think about the recovery time my body will need after this. I feel fortunate to have only gained a minimal amount of weight - although I am not yet ready to disclose that number...I do feel confident that what is left after delivery will be relatively easy to lose. I am however, also certain that the skin on my tummy will never be the same. This pregnancy was so different from Isaac's. This time I grew straight out - which had to have stretched my skin to the max. UGH!

As the "skinny" clothes on the other side of my closet taunt me - I can't help but be reminded of what it took to get to that place. Almost 2 years of extreme everything. Extreme exercise, extreme eating, extreme discipline... the reality is - with three kids and a full time job - there isn't going to be time for the extreme lifestyle I was living before. Let's face it, there isn't going to be time for much of anything. The part that surprises me the most, is that I am totally okay with that.

Sure, I want to get back to having a body I am happy and comfortable with. I think that body was the nice size 10 I was a few months before getting pregnant. I feel like size 10 made me look healthy. I was able to dress according to the trends, and more importantly I was able to participate in my life, play with my kids, do races with friends etc. I might not have had abs of steal, but I was healthy and fit enough to essentially do anything I wanted to. THAT'S the body I would like to get back. I don't need to be the size 8 or 6 I was killing myself to get to. From where I am standing now - I see the sacrifice it took to get there, and I am no longer willing to pay that price.

I consider myself blessed. My cost could have been much greater. I am fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends that love me without limits. I am blessed to have a husband who never didn't think I was sexy; and kids who were young enough to consider this an adventure. This pregnancy was probably the best intervention that could have been waged in my situation. Not only did it require me to make the appropriate changes to find a healthy balance to grow my baby, but in the span of 9 months - it brought all of my priorities back into focus.

A sweet note.

In Saturdays mail I received a package. I didn't open it at first because I was busy and preoccupied. On Sunday my husband found it and asked what it was. When he opened it, we were blessed to find some adorable baby boy clothes. The gift was thoughtful, especially considering the giver, and the fact that we only know each other from blogging, but it was the note that had an even greater impact. It read:

Dear Jetta,

I don't know when I have been so excited about someone having a baby...especially someone I've never really met or officially "know." but I have watched you grow in so many ways over the past year as I have followed you on FB (what a crazy concept,huh?)I was out the other day and saw these and couldn't resist getting them for you.
You are an amazing woman and this little one will be truly blessed to have you as his mommy.
"...and the Lord remembered her, so in the course of time she conceived and gave birth to a son... 'because I asked the Lord for him' -1 Samuel 1:19b, 20b

Love you, Lena

Now for so many reasons - even now as I type it, these words move me to tears. The bible verse sends goosebumps up and down my body. You see, this note, from a "stranger" whom I adore came at the exact right moment in time. Not only was I looking for a Bible verse to stamp onto canvas for Gabriel's bedroom, but this note opened my eyes.

After 12 years of not being able to have kids (on our own)and finally letting go of that dream, this pregnancy was truly a shock. After so many losses, it was easier to assume this baby wouldn't stay - just like all the others. You see, this baby coming changes a lot of things. Some are tough, and in the midst of those scary changes, it was easier to "blame" someone, something, whatever, for this unexpected miracle. What 1 Samuel opened my heart to, is the fact that I have ALWAYS wanted a third baby. I was just too scared to own that desire because it felt selfish, because it was scary, because it was easier to have things stay just the way they were.

While I can't deny, that if we had our choice, we would have timed this differently. I can never ignore that the woman I am today is the woman that was created to be Gabriel's mommy. Just as Isaac and Hope had their perfect place in history, so does Gabriel, and as with everything, Gods timing isn't ours, but it is perfect.

Thank you Lena for listening to your heart. Your gift was more than I think you ever imagined it would be. It changed my life. Truly.

It's a....

BOY!!!!

Yay - he was so sweet! He had the hiccups almost the entire time. Chad and I had a hard time picking names - but before the ultrasound we decided on Gabriel Martin. Gabriel means "the Lord is my strength; and Martin is the name of Chad's uncle who passed away when Chad was 14.

We are thrilled, as are the kids.

Enjoy the pics!

Quiet moments - and an ultrasound update

First of all...

EPIC FAIL!!!

I am incredibly sorry. I dangled the ultrasound date a long time ago and then failed miserably to give you the news! WOW. If I were you - I would be furious. And then, of course I would promptly forgive the oversight (hint, hint.)

Since I have made you wait this long - what's a few more minutes??? Right? (Insert evil laugh...)

Thanksgiving morning I woke up extremely sentimental. Okay, maybe it was the hormones. Call it what you will, I was a crying, sobbing mess! My sweet husband brought me my coffee in bed and I sat for a long, long, long time reflecting on my life, my new baby and everything in between. I have so much to be thankful for, and at the same time, there is a lot that scares me just a little.

The thing that struck me the most was my kids. The coolest people I have ever had the privilege to know. I was thinking about each of them as individuals. I decided to call them up to chat with me. I am sure I probably scared them with all the crying I was doing, but I needed to make sure these things were said.

Isaac was first. He was so sweet - especially when he realized I was crying. He is a very sensitive boy, and immediately asked me why I was crying. I told him not to worry - that these were "happy" tears. I won't recite the whole speech, but I will tell you (as I told him) that my favorite trait of Isaac's is his compassion. He is always the first to run to another person who has fallen down to check on them. He always checks on his sister at school when she seems sad. Isaac always seems so in tune to when other people are hurting. I told Isaac that I love that about him, and that I hope he never changes.

Hope came up next. She is so different from Isaac. She didn't even notice I was crying. To be honest, at first I questioned whether she would understand or appreciate the words I had for her, but I couldn't let the moment pass, and I decided that even if she didn't totally "get it" - my heart needed to say these things....and so I did. My favorite trait of Hope's is her thoughtfulness. She is always thinking ahead and trying to anticipate what someone else might want or need. She always has the remote ready to hand to Isaac when he comes downstairs to watch TV in the mornings. She loves to color pictures for all of her friends at school. She is constantly trying to give her toys to other people. She ALWAYS wants to help. Her heart is so good. I told Hope that I love that about her, and that I hope she never changes.

For both kids, we talked about how Jesus also has compassion and thoughtfulness for everyone he meets. It was so sweet! They seemed generally amazed that they might have anything in common with Jesus.

These moments were precious to me. It may become a tradition for me. I truly find power in speaking words of affirmation to my kids even if they don't completely grasp all of the meaning. Their hearts know, and so does mine and that, is what being a mommy is all about.

Now... for the small person in my belly...

I am happy to say that I am currently growing a perfect, healthy, happy little baby - and that's about all I know. The ultrasound place messed up my appointment - so they had to "fit me in." Which means a typically hour long appointment lasted all of 23 minutes with a tech who wasn't interested in the fact that I really wanted to know the gender of my baby. We did however get a super cool profile picture which I successfully loaded onto Facebook, but can't seem to post on this blog.

Fortunately for us, we have the coolest Midwife ever, and she has ordered a follow up ultrasound (at a different location) - and that ultrasound is scheduled for this Wednesday, December 1st.

Happy holiday season to all of you - and here's to a baby who wants to show off it's private parts (just on Wednesday anyway...)