There's nothing like 11 weeks of bedrest...
I know there are women who have to be on bedrest for much longer - but holy cow this felt like FOREVER!
So much happened in these 11 weeks, it would be impossible to tell you all of it. I do know, that sitting around your house alone for 11 weeks might not force you to go crazy, but it will force you to deal with some crap. At first I was pretty depressed and I slept almost all day long. It was so hard for me to be alone. I went from having a constant stream of visitors everyday at the hospital - to sometimes going days without seeing anyone except Chad. This is so hard for me. I am such a people person and I missed my people! As time went on, I stopped sleeping so much and started thinking more. I began having horrible nightmares. These nightmares kept me awake at night and haunted me all day long. In my nightmare, no matter what was happening, the outcome was always the same - I gave birth to a baby boy; a baby boy who was dead. It got so bad that I actually could never even picture Gabe without him being dead. It was awful. After weeks of this torture - I realized that if I wanted to give myself the best chance possible for the birth experience I wanted, I had to get rid of this ridiculous fear. As my due date grew closer, I knew I had to do something drastic and I sought the help of a phenomenal Hypno Therapist.
I am not dumb - I know this revelation will raise a lot of eyebrows and will most likely draw a great deal of criticism - and to that all I can say is, do your research and don't knock it until you try it.
I am so thankful that my two best friends - who I consider phenomenal christian women, recommended Kira to me. My therapy session was powerful and so healing beyond words. I want so much to tell you about it here, but there is no way to describe it adequately this way. What I can tell you is that I know now, that my fear of Gabriel dying was a product of years and years of miscarriages. Of 10 babies who I had knowledge of and fell in love with only to have them leave me. As time went on, and my family in heaven continued to grow, I truly began to believe that I just simply didn't deserve to have those babies. It was amazing to me that Gabriel had stayed in my belly so much longer than all the others - so it only made sense to me that since I didn't deserve the joy of having another baby, he too would die and leave me alone.
I can tell you now that a miscarriage breaks your heart. I can tell you also that it makes you feel physically broken. But I am happy to say, that the day I went to hypno therapy was the day I finally let all of my babies go to heaven. I felt and looked visibly relieved, and I was because you see I had been carrying those babies with me for all those years. That burden was big and it was heavy and letting it go was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had.
Once my fear was dealt with, I was able to sleep and dream of the day I would give birth to my beautiful, ALIVE baby boy. I sang to my belly for the first time that night. I sang praise songs because I felt JOYFUL and finally excited about having a baby. The fear was gone - and now I could count down the days with anticipation. What a remarkable feeling...