Tuesday, July 17, 2012

It's a real Monster.

When I said goodbye to Rediscovering Jetta - I meant it. At the time. My life is full and almost unrecognizable. In a mostly good way. But I have something to say - and it demands a voice bigger than my own.

This post has been brewing in my heart and soul for almost 16 months. Since March 20, 2011. The day baby Gabe was born. That was the day pure, pint sized joy was born. That was the day we witnessed nothing short of a miracle. That was the day I realized the true success in healing my body.

That was the day my battle with Postpartum Depression began.

To be honest, I felt like a fool. It seemed impossible. After all, how could someone who TEACHES others about pregnancy and childbirth; someone who wakes up in the middle of the night and LOVES a woman through labor; someone who has fast labors herself and loves giving birth, EVER suffer from Postpartum Depression. What in the world is there to be depressed about when you are holding a perfect newborn??

But Postpartum Depression is a bigger MONSTER than all that. Postpartum Depression is a THEIF that steals joy. Postpartum depression is scary and lonely and most importantly, Postpartum Depression is REAL.

As I look back on the last 16 months, so much of it is dark. It felt like I was living in a hole. A big, black, lonely hole. Especially the first months after Gabe's birth. There were nights when I would go to bed crying and I would just pray that God would make me not wake up. My reality was a place where it seemed better to be dead than alive. The crux of Postpartum Depression is that people around you don't understand. How could I be depressed? I had a new baby, a great husband, two great big kids, an enviable job...I wasn't thankful enough. I needed some perspective. I needed to "get over myself." That's the advise people gave me. Let me assure you...it was not helpful.

I can only write this because I feel like I have finally come out of my fog. Two weeks ago, Chad and I got into, what could easily be considered the biggest fight we have ever had. Chad EXPLODED. He was SCREAMING at me. Horrible, mean, completely TRUE things. It was awful, and raw, and just what I needed. You see, Postpartum Depression doesn't just hurt the new mama. It hurts everyone who loves her. It's easy to ignore because she will deny it. She will be offended that you would suggest it. It's easier for those close to her to continue to walk on eggshells than to be tough and try to help. From experience, I can say PLEASE HELP HER! DON'T IGNORE HER! This monster is REAL, but it can be defeated.

I am thankful that I am here now, in this place where I can talk about this, where I NEED to talk about this. If you read this, and you are either a new mama struggling, or someone close to a new mama who is struggling, reach out. Find help. If you need to, email me and I will help you find someone to work with. This doesn't have to continue. You CAN have your joy back. It might be a long, hard road - but I promise, it's a road well worth traveling.

PS. Please excuse any spelling errors or typos. It has been so long since I blogged -and alot has changed about blogspot. I felt that I need to get this post out, so I did the best I could and published without proofing...

Saturday, December 17, 2011

That's a Wrap!

Happy Holidays!

We say it every year...but WOW! This year really did fly by! So much has happened. So much has changed. Life is crazy and fun and busy beyond what I ever imagined.

The fact that my last post was October 16th has been weighing on my heart. After Gabe was born, I contemplated shutting my blog down - but for some reason I thought I would be able to continue to write posts. I worried that I wouldn't have the motivation or the inspiration. That I would have nothing of value to say. It never really dawned on me that I quite simply, wouldn't have the time.

This blog has been incredibly therapeutic to me over the last two years. I still ocassionally find myself reading some of my earlier posts. It has been quite a journey. The reality is - the rediscovery of me is ongoing. Its supposed to be that way. When I originally started the blog - I used my fat as the "reason" I was writing. While I may have been overweight - the ultimate healing came, not in the weight loss, but in the discovery of what makes me happy.

Yes - I lost a TON of weight. I am really proud of that. YES. I have baby weight to lose, and it will take a while. I get discouraged by that sometimes, but the good news is that I don't weigh 300 pounds this time, so starting over isn't really starting over. That makes me feel better. The weight loss healed my body in a way I never imagined it would - by allowing me to have a baby. Trust me, I never saw that coming.

It's time to be done. My biggest victories can be summarized in a few pictures from blogs over the last 2 years. I hope you enjoy. I thank you for reading. Happy 2012 to you and your families... Heal your heart and find your happy...

Sunday, October 16, 2011

switching gears

My heart for this blog was always for it to be a place to talk about my weight loss journey and the emotions, struggles and victories that came with it.

The blog switched gears slightly when I found out I was pregnant with my surprise bundle o' love.

I have used the blog recently to post in an effort to relieve my heart as I wade through the seemingly endless maze that is my postpartum depression.

After Gabriel was born, I have struggled with my post-baby body, as I am sure most women do after having a baby. I tried to give myself grace while I was nursing, but going back to work required the ever popular pumping in order to continue "nursing" my baby. Giving Gabe breast milk was a priority for me because I wasn't able to do the same for Isaac (for various reasons) and Hope because she was adopted.

I am done nursing now; and as my hormones attempt to level themselves out, I have trying to get going on getting my body back. I haven't been very successful yet. It's not for lack of exercise. I have figured out a way to fit in some pretty hardcore workouts. I have to say though, it is frustrating to work that hard, and hurt for days after, only to have my jeans feel tighter. Can I get an AMEN?

Fortunately, on Friday, when I was crying in my closet over the lack of clothing options I could squeeze my awkward post-baby body into, I realized something. This isn't about whether or not I work out hard enough. It's all about what I eat.

Ok. I know. DUH.

I don't know why it takes me so long to catch on. But let me tell you - this is actually a little bigger than just what I eat. What I have learned over that last several years, is that even though I am not "officially" a diabetic, my body is healthiest when I live as though I am. I have always been on the verge. I have always been considered pre-diabetic, but with my diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes during my pregnancy, I have increased the chances that I will eventually and officially be a Diabetic.

So, here's my plan. I am prepping, and researching and shopping and strategizing my new mission. My mission...(I have already chosen to accept it) is to live my life with the purpose of preventing diabetes. This will essentially require me to live life as if I have already been diagnosed. As an added bonus, I know that my body will respond by dropping this dang baby weight.

I am still in the prepping and research stage. I am hoping to start the shopping phase later this week. I am planning to blog my findings, feeling, victories and struggles just like always. I am new to this, so if anyone has any helpful, verified information I can use - please feel free to pass it along.

I am excited and kind of scared, but this is necessary and hopefully it will help others. So...

Ready. Set. Here I Go!

Friday, October 14, 2011

I get that alot...

"I don't know how you do it..."

I get that alot.

I am not sure what peoples perception of me is. I used to care. I'm not sure I do anymore. That being said, I am fairly certain my world considers me Wonder Woman. I used be fine, running around doing everything, planning everything...I used to be able to do all of that. Plus find time for me, and my kids, my hubby and my friends.

I don't know what changed. But I can't do it anymore.

Don't be impressed by me because I am barely holding it together. Those close to me may even argue that I am not holding it together. I just appear to be. I think those "appearances" can be so damaging. Not just to the person putting on the one-man-show, but to those that are watching. The perception that any one person has IT all together is exactly what creates the endless cycle of attempting perfection.

I guarantee you. Perfection is impossible.

Here's my reality.

I am a full time mom and wife who also happens to have a full time job outside of the home. I have 3 beautiful kids who I can't get enough of. For real. We don't get enough time together.
In order to maximize my time with family I:
1. Pay to have my house cleaned.
2. Pay to have my groceries delivered.
3. Pay to have someone watch my kids.
4. Pay to park. Pay to drive.

My cost is great. I don't mean the money. Change is coming. It has to. So many things are suffering while I run around like a crazy person trying to keep it all together. I may very well collapse before any changes are made...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Spinning out of control.

Have you ever felt like that? Like your life has a mind of it's own? Like you need hold on for dear life or it might just throw you off the ride?

That's me right now. Actually, I think Chad would agree - that's US right now.

I knew that having another child would make life complicated. I just truly had no idea how complicated the logistics of 3 kids and 2 working parents could be. Not to mention, how expensive. Why do I work? Oh right...medical insurance... the chance for a good life...paying for college, braces, sports, 401k blah blah blah. What about my sanity? Isn't that worth anything? Apparently not.

I know I am not alone in this. Every working parent out there knows how I feel.

Up at 4:30. Get myself ready. Get kids ready. Drive kids to school. Drive myself to work. Work my butt off. Drive home. Make dinner. Football. Swimming. Clean kitchen. Homework. Bedtimes. Crash. Repeat. OMG!!!!!

Seriously?? I didn't even mention laundry, grocery shopping, snuggle time or anything else that really matters.

All of that said - we find the strength to do it all again. Everyday.

It's the little things.

Like standing in the doorway watching your baby sleep.

Or seeing your daughter climb into her daddy's lap to snuggle.

Or your 9 year old hugging you and telling you "your the best mommy ever."

Yeah. Totally worth it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

so this is life??

So here I am.

The baby is born (and 4 months old now!)

I have gone back to work - and survived it. Barely. It still breaks my heart daily and I spend every free second trying to come up with a way for me to stay home with him.

Life is settling in. For the most part. I haven't figured out where exercise fits in my day. I did great while I was still on maternity leave - but now that I work, the logistics of my day leave me exhausted.

Breastfeeding may burn hundreds of extra calories - which I am fairly certain I consume with all the sugary foods I crave (damn you Starbucks for introducing the Birthday Cake Pop!)

I worked hard during my pregnancy, and I am proud that my weight gain didn't get out of hand, but it's hard to look at what my body is now, and remember what it was before Gabe. Will it ever be that again? How will I find the time to get back to that?

Every once in a while, I consider giving up nursing so that I can get back to my extreme dieting - but my heart isn't ready for that. I guess my option for now, is to be okay with my post-baby, pleasantly plump, body. Because after all...I just had a baby...


Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Story of Gabriel (part 4 - the part I think you deserve to know)

I have always tried to be authentic and transparent. So that even though most of you don't know me, you could feel like you knew me. Because of everything this blog has meant to me, this post has to be written. Make no mistake - this SUCKS for me.

What I think you need to know is this:

In the end, I was addicted to diet pills and laxatives.

I was so close. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get those last few pounds to come off. I suppose you could say I was addicted to working out too because I worked out multiple times a day. The laxatives started as a necessity. The diet pills were desperation. I have since learned that the pills I was taking are no longer available because of their connection with multiple heart related deaths.

Here is what I believe with everything in me: My baby saved my life.

I don't want your pity, or attention. I don't need sympathy or understanding. I have dealt with my mistake and will not return there. I am PROUD of the 100 plus pounds that I lost all by myself, and I am thankful I am around to have a do-over on the pounds I cheated on. I am telling you this to prevent you from making the same mistake I did. It's an easy mistake. The decision seemed innocent. Like I said, the laxatives were a necessity at first, the diet pills were just a kick start for the final stretch of my mission.

Losing weight is a battle. It is a physical battle, which I believe is the easy part. More importantly, it is an emotional battle that can kick your a** even on the good days. Stay focused on your goal and keep your victory pure. I want that so bad for you.

So there you go. I am sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I hope you can appreciate my motivation for telling you. I hope this doesn't discount anything I have said or will say, but most importantly, I hope you will stick around as I try to vindicate myself for myself. This pregnancy weight will come off, and it will come off the right way because just like you, I deserve a pure victory.