Giving it another shot

I am at it again. You would think I would get a clue. Take the hint. Nope. Not me. If you don't know me well, let me tell you - I am stubborn if I am nothing else ( I do hope I am something else though. That would be really sad to just be stubborn.)

You already know that on my journey to getting healthy, I have discovered many things, including running. When I start to get down on myself, just the fact that I can run the distances I have, is enough to boost my confidence a little bit. I have always been an athlete, but I have never been a runner.

Until now.

I am once again, training for a half marathon. There was a lot of disappointment for me in April and June when the two big races I was training for couldn't happen. In April, I was supposed to run my first half marathon. I had been training, and it was supposed to be great practice for the marathon I was planning to run in June. Unfortunately, my body had a totally different plan.
In March, my back went out which destroyed my training for the half marathon and in May - when I ran the Seahawks 12k, I apparently suffered a stress fracture, but didn't know it - which turned into a full on break 7 days later when I tried to do my 10 mile training run. I tried to tell myself that I could still run the marathon even though I had missed 5 weeks of training. Then, as I slowly returned to reality - I realized that this wasn't going to happen for me this year. My friends and team mates tried to convince me to walk the marathon, but to be honest - I had no desire to walk it. I already knew I could walk it - I wanted to accomplish something I wasn't sure I could.

I cried every morning the week leading up to the marathon. I had tons of friends and team mates post their times and pictures when the race was over. I was happy for them, but so incredibly bummed for myself. I tried to let it all go. I tried to tell myself that it really didn't matter to me if I ran a half marathon or marathon in my lifetime. Here's the thing...

I do care.

I want to do this.

I want this victory for me.

So I am training again. My sister and I are planning to run a half marathon on September 26th. I hope my back and my feet can handle it. We are wrapping up our second week of our training schedule and so far everything seems fine. This weekend, Kara and I are running in The Torchlight 8K race. For those of you that don't know - and 8K is about 5 miles (4.97 to be exact) - and please don't feel bad - I had to Google that.

It should be fun.

Right now I am telling myself, that if my body breaks while I am training for this run - I will let it all go. I will move on from running and find something else. Unfortunately, as I mentioned earlier, and is evident by the fact that I am even training for this race - I am pretty stubborn, and stubborn rarely equals wise.

Wish me luck!

Pretty Panties (and a few other things...)

I have noticed lately that I don't have much to say. I am not sure why that is. TONS of stuff is happening - and I want to share, but for some reason I just can't seem to find my voice.
I was thinking this morning about all of the things that have changed. Not just in the last two years - although those changes are the most noticeable, but over the years in general. I feel a little like I have sort of calmed down a bit. I used to be lots of drama all the time. Everything had a story. Everything was a big deal. I had to tell everyone everything. I think my friends and family would agree - that has been one area of change for me - and honestly improvement. I think my Mother-in-Law took the brunt of all of that drama. Jeez! That must have been exhausting. Sorry Elaine!
The new me desires a life with a lot more privacy. A quieter life at home with my family, whereas before I couldn't stand to be home. I always wanted to go somewhere, talk to someone. What was I searching for?

Here are a few other things I have noticed that are different about me:

1. I could live in dresses and skirts. This is definitely new. When I was big - I can't remember EVER wearing a dress or skirt. My favorite comfy outfit these days is a skirt from JCREW and a white tank top from the Gap. Don't forget the flip flops. LOVE LOVE LOVE to wear flip flops!

2. I own cute panties. I know this might seem silly - but to be honest, I never bothered before. Chad doesn't care, and neither did I. Besides, plus size panties are expensive!

3. I couldn't run a block...let alone 7 miles. I think this is HUGE. Bigger than I realize most days. Chad says I am crazy for running so much...but secretly I think it bugs him that I now can literally run circles around him.

4. I used to HATE sex. I don't anymore. That's all I am going to say about that...

5. I have learned how to bite my tongue. I don't want or need to have a comment about everything. The people that know me best, know when I am holding back - but I have definitely learned that I don't always have to speak up.

6. I have learned how to say "no." I have learned that there has to be times when there is nothing on the calendar. That staying in your jammies all day is sometimes the best plan ever.

7. I have learned that somethings just aren't worth my energy.

9. I don't mind wearing a swimsuit.

10. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think that I am pretty.

What else has changed??? I'm not sure - I would have to ask my friends. Anyone???


*picture was taken from the Victorias Secret website. I love their stuff!! I'm just sayin....

Milestones

Things have been so crazy! I know I have sort of slacked off on the blogging - but I have not slacked off on my mission.

As you know - I had a birthday 10 days ago. The picture was taken just after the 4th of July parade that we went to in Edmonds. There is something VERY significant about this picture - although, if you don't know me well, you would never guess what it is. The truth of the matter is, I didn't even think about it until one of my dearest friends pointed it out to me.

I am wearing a tank top. Not only am I wearing a tank top, but I am smiling while wearing a tank top.

This, my friends is a HUGE milestone for me. When I was heavy - I would wear as much as possible so that no one would ever see my body. It didn't matter how hot it was outside - I would be as covered as possible. Not only did I want to be covered up, but my arms have always been my least favorite part of my body. Hiding them has always been a priority.

Another milestone will occur soon. In fact, it will occur as soon as I can get through the line at the dang department of licensing. You see, I noticed after the fact, that on my birthday my license expired. Time for a new one. And guess what??? This time, I don't have to lie about my weight!!! YIPEE!!! Here's why:

Last time I posted my weight was May 11th. Here is where I am at:

May 11: 182.0
July 14: 174.2

Weight loss of: 7.8 pounds

I haven't been able to get into the 170's and stay there - so I am loving this!

Here's to tank tops and legit info on drivers licenses! HAPPY SUMMER!

Emotional Eater

Fist of all, I would just like to mention that it is 3:30am as I write this. That's right - I said 3:30 AM. No need to adjust your screen, there is nothing wrong with your eyes...3:30. There is however, something wrong with my eyes...everything is blurry. Could that be because it's 3:30 in the freaking morning??? Ugh!

Hope came into my room at 2:45 this morning needing some love. I was totally fine with that because last night I had one of the worst nights as a parent - we haven't had a night like this is a long, long time.

I posted on Facebook last night that I thought my kids had been possessed by evil beings.

I wasn't kidding. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???

Disciplinary action had to be taken with both kids. That's the part I hate. No one wants to end their day that way.

After we prayed and the kids were finally in bed - I did what any rational mom would do - I poured myself a huge glass of whatever alcoholic beverage I could find. Just Kidding! I did however, drive to the store and buy myself the one thing that could make my day better.

Tillamook Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream.

Maybe I should have stuck with the alcohol.

While I was skillfully extracting the gorgeous ribbons of salty deliciousness that is the peanut butter, I couldn't help but realize just how much I am the classic emotional eater. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't even really having a craving - but for some reason my mind thinks that eating will solve everything. The part that amazes me is that even though I know better - even though I have the worst stomach ache in the world right now - even though I am pretty sure I gained 45 pounds last night - I still haven't learned my lesson.

I must have some sort of undiscovered learning disability.

I was going to do a weigh in this morning since it's been a while, but I am thinking I might wait. Pretty sure the scale isn't going to have anything nice to say to me this morning.

Praise God we wake up every morning and get a "do over." Me and my kids certainly need it!

Happy Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday. Another year older. I am 34. Even though 34 is not old by any stretch of the imagination, it is always strange getting another year closer. Closer to what?? I'm not sure...I'm just saying it's strange.

I have spent the last couple weeks leading up to my birthday being really reflective. I have been thinking a lot about what I want for me, what I want for our family. I have spent time thinking about my victories, my regrets. Am I where I thought I would be at this age? In some ways, yes in others, no.

I think for me right now, my biggest disappointment is the fact that I spent the later part of my twenties and the early part of my thirties being fat. It's not just disappointing because of how I looked, but mostly because the being fat part dictated so much about how I lived my life. So many things I didn't try because I was just physically not able to. So many people I didn't meet because I was too self conscious. Even the things I did do were so tainted by fear. Fear of failing, fear of being rejected, fear of looking stupid... Such a sad existence.

I am so glad that I made the decision to get healthy. I only wish I had made it sooner. Or better yet, I wish I had never gotten to the place where it was so out of hand. I am so grateful for the resources and support that I have had.

If you are struggling with weight, and it is limiting your life - TAKE CHARGE! You have seen that it can be done. You might doubt yourself - so take advantage of your most available resource - the family and friends who have never doubted you. They will carry you until the moment you realize just how strong you really are.

If weight hasn't been your issue before, but you are noticing that things seem to be spiraling out of control - GET HELP! Find someone you can trust to talk it out with. A good friend can help you figure out where you need the most help. Are you having trouble with baby weight? Are your hormones out of wack? Are you depressed? Again, there are so many resources. Use them.

Don't give up years for food. That exchange will NEVER be worth it!