here comes the weight gain...

Don't get scared. I haven't completely given myself to the "eating for two" mindset. We all know that's not they way it should work. This little person growing really only needs about 300 extra calories per day. They are way to small to need their very own gallon of delicious Tillamook PB Chocolate ice cream!

My mom asked me the other day if I had already gained weight. My answer (sadly) was "yes." She was disappointed at first - but let me explain. When I was in diet mode, I was only really consuming 1250-1400 calories per day. That's not much. Once the pregnancy was confirmed, I was told that not only did I need to add the 300 calories, but that I needed to bring my basic diet to a non-dieting level. So, I upped my calories to 1500 and then added 300. Now I eat between 1700 and 1800 calories a day. That's not bad...but when you come from the mental place I was - that's pretty tough to swallow. Couple that with the fact that I have been too exhausted to get to the gym on a regular basis...yes, I have already gained some weight.

The first week that I knew about this small person, I was devastated by the very idea of having to get bigger. I know... it's not fat, it's baby, but just the very concept (and my hormones) took over and I spent A LOT of hours crying that first week.

Things have settled down a little. I still cry quite a bit, but it's not usually triggered by my crappy self image of my body. That's a relief! I know that the workouts will become more regular, especially the closer I get to the second trimester. I am so thankful for all of the people who are willing to hold me accountable. Chad, Kara, Deana, Angela - thank you so much for guarding my accomplishments. I appreciate it so much!

Now. How 'bout some ice cream....

Coming full circle

When Chad and I first decided we were ready for babies - we assumed that it would happen quickly and easily. After the first couple of months, you are still hopeful, but as the months go on, and nothing happens, the hope diminishes. If you are fairly young - the docs don't even really want to hear from you until you have been trying for 6-12 months. You try everything. Ovulation tests, temperature tracking, keeping your hips elevated after sex - certain that one of these methods will be the answer. When it's not, it's devastating. No matter how obsessed your NOT going to get about getting pregnant, I have seen few succeed. The desire for a baby is not the same as the desire for a new pair of shoes, or a darling purse. Slowly it consumes you. As the months go by, you see friends and family members celebrate their pregnancies. As much as you love your friends and family, and want to be genuinely happy,it just hurts so much. Why them? Why not me?

I know that so many of my friends and family members had to break the news to Chad and I of their expectant joys. Now, I understand how hard it had to have been for them. Loving us, watching us hurt and yet needing to share their joy.

God doesn't always bring us full circle, but in this circumstance I have the difficult and yet amazing opportunity to stand where my friends stood years ago. It's so fascinating to me how He works.

There were two phone calls we dreaded making when we decided to let people know about our pregnancy. One of the calls went perfectly, the other one still hurts my heart. I hope those two ladies know how aware I was of them in those moments. How much I long for their dreams to come true too. How in my dreams, I imagine this all happened now so that we could have babies close together...

For now, I have to assume that God has equipped me for this. Hands on training I guess. Years and years of hands on training.

A "bump" in the road...

Oh boy...what a difference a week makes. On Tuesday, I blogged about finding my old jeans, and on Wednesday Chad and I got the shock of our lives. I am pregnant. HOLY COW!! Wow. Way to throw a wrench into things. How did this happen???

Okay...so I don't actually need a lesson in sex ed, but seriously. Chad and I started "trying" to have a baby in 1998. That's 12 YEARS of unprotected sex and we have one biological son and one adopted daughter. This baby making thing has not brought us the most success. We have talked about adopting again, but decided we couldn't really afford to. We had discussed trying again to get pregnant, but had decided we were done. In fact - we were so done, that Chad actually has an appointment for a vasectomy on Monday! Is this some kind of joke???

Anyway. Here we are. Getting ready to start week 6. I know it's early - but I am not exactly a private person (hense the blog for everyone to read...)so I told everyone right away and figure the worst thing that can come of that is a little extra prayers.

There are so many things I have to write about; so many things on my mind. I guess my blog will take a little different direction for the next few months.

Now you all know... I hope you will pray. I will probably take the weight loss ticker off my blog. Won't be buying those size 8's anytime soon...

The funniest part of all of this - was the mandatory baby name discussion. Chad's suggestion?? Sue Prize Anderson. Get it??? LOL!!! Nice one Chad!

I found some old jeans...

I was cleaning out my closet this morning and I came across an old pair of jeans. I thought I had gotten rid of all my "fat" clothes, so I was pretty surprised to find these.

They are a size 20.

One leg is the same width of my entire body.

I look at them and can't believe they ever fit. When I showed Chad, he didn't believe that they were mine. Then he said, "how did I never notice..."

I have been hearing that a lot lately. My sister never saw my size, she only saw her sister. Alyssa is amazed by my weight loss - but me now seems like the me she's always known. Deana always just saw her friend - not her friends size. From my perspective, this is so hard to understand. How did they not see? Especially Chad. I mean REALLY? At first, I wondered if they were just saying that to be nice. But Chad's surprise tonight tells me the truth. They never saw the fat - only the friend. Amazing. Truly. Because I still see the fat. If only I could see myself the way they do.

I am definitely a work in progress. When I go back and read my very first posts - I was clearly in such a dark and sad place. I can barely stand to read those words. The transformation has been tremendous, both physically and emotionally. A work in progress... and everyday that I wake up, is another chance to continue working on myself.

I am going to keep these jeans. As a reminder, as inspiration and motivation. I need something that shows me where I was - and I need it to remind me never to return.

The Rest of the Story...

As you may now, I was asked to write a guest post for bridgetownbabymomma. Such and honor really. Man did I struggle. I am very proud of the final product, but I realized that I had never told the whole story here on my blog. The feedback I have received has been phenomenal, and I am so happy that I got the chance to share.

I am borrowing the photos from Jenn's post. Even though they are my pictures - she did the editing by adding the dates and weights to the picture - so for that, she gets all the credit. Hope you don't mind Jenn...

Everyone else...this is the rest of the story.



I have struggled with my weight for more years than I can count. Actually, to be accurate, I have struggled with FOOD for more years than I can count. When I was young and athletic and always moving, what I ate didn’t matter as much. Once I stopped doing sports all the time, everything changed. I was never thrilled with how I looked, and I knew that I could lose weight when it mattered most. I lost weight for my 1996 wedding, but promptly put it back on once Chad and I settled down.

In 1998, Chad and I decided to start trying for a baby. Nothing seemed to work – and when it did work, I would always lose the baby at about 7 weeks. A couple years into it, my doctor suggested that I might need to lose weight in order to have a successful pregnancy. She suggested 35, I lost 85 pounds. That Christmas, 2001 we conceived our son Isaac with the help of a fertility clinic. The pregnancy went great and believe it or not, I didn’t gain a single pound the whole time.

After Isaac was born, I don’t think there was any one thing that led to my overall weight gain. The weight went on slowly and steadily for a number of years. To be honest, I am not sure I really even noticed. We adopted Hope in 2005 and I was busy being a mom. I was barely aware that I wasn’t happy. Slightly aware that I was depressed, and eventually, I became totally aware that I was so out of shape, I couldn’t even walk up the stairs at Safeco Field to take Isaac to a baseball game. When you are a mom, you always want to be that cool, young, hip mom. I have never thought of myself that way, but I also never really saw what I had become.
Life plugged along and in 2008 I was offered a position at the company I currently work for. This was such an answer to prayer. From the day I was offered the job until the day I was scheduled to start – was 21 days. Just enough time to drop a few pounds before I had to buy a couple new outfits for work. I ordered this shake diet from Zoneliving.com – I love it! It was hard, but I dropped about 20 pounds over the 5 weeks I did that diet. Probably mostly water weight – but who cares! I bought a few things and started my new job. It was hard to stay focused on a diet, because at my work there was a constant stream of catered, delicious food. I wasn’t exercising yet…thank goodness my next motivation came a short time later…



Our family was planning a trip to Arizona for Spring Break in 2009. Chad’s entire family wanted to lose a few pounds before that trip, so we started a “Biggest Loser” contest of our own. We started in January, and the final weigh in was going to happen in Arizona. The prize was cash. Truth be told, the prize could have been a pile of poop and it wouldn’t have mattered to me. I am so incredibly competitive; there was NO WAY I was going to lose this contest. Sure enough, Chad won for the guys and I won for the girls.

Here’s what I can’t pinpoint – somewhere in the middle of that contest, I became so determined. I became so focused. I began to see that I was strong, but more importantly; I was finally able to acknowledge that I was fat. I am fortunate enough to work for a company that offers a gym/trainer benefit. They actually pay for me to have a trainer. I realized that it was quite possible that I would never again have access to these kinds of resources. If I was going to do this, if I was going to get healthy, now was the time.



So here I am. Almost exactly 2 years later. My weight before I started my job was 286 pounds. At 5’6” I actually weighed MORE than my 6’5” husband. Today, when I stepped on the scale, I was 171. That is a loss of 115 pounds. I have definitely had my share of rough times over the last 24 months. Sugar has been a reoccurring battle I have to fight. Pretty much daily. It’s my drug. I struggle with the same things many other people struggle with, namely time. Life, jobs, kids, husbands – they all pull us in so many directions. It seems impossible to find the time to get to the gym. The business of life also lends itself well to cruddy eating. McDonald's is so much easier… I have to wake up every single morning and CHOOSE to live this life I have chosen for myself. To be honest, some days I don’t choose it. I get tired. I get overwhelmed, I get sore – but I do know that I don’t ever want to get fat again.
What works for me nutritionally changes all of the time. Partly from boredom and partly because our bodies really do get used to something and then we just stay still. I am learning that in order to lose the last handful of pounds, I am going to have to reinvent my strategy as many times as necessary. My suggestion? Find what works (it’s different for everybody) and then be wise enough to recognize when it’s not working anymore. Realize early, that what you are doing is creating a life not a circumstance. The eating habits, and exercise routines are not temporary. If you want to maintain what you have accomplished, you will have to commit for life – not for a short period of time or in a certain circumstance.



The last thing I will say is… I know it seems like you can’t do it. From the beginning it seems impossible to take the steps; cut the calories; do the work. I totally understand that. Surround yourself with people who already know you can. Let them support you, carry you and talk you
through it. These people will be far more valuable than any diet or exercise plan. They can whisper in your ear, hold your hand and help you soar -until the day you discover for yourself just how strong you really are.

Guest Post...

A couple of weeks ago, Jenn at bridgetownbabymomma.blogspot.com asked me if I would do a guest post for her blog. Of course, I said "yes!" and then proceeded to have the worst case of writers block ever. I am not sure why writing for her blog was any different than writing for mine, but apparently, it is.

At any rate, I did it. It is on her site today. It's so strange. I didn't cry when I was writing it - but for some reason, when I read it on her blog today, I couldn't stop crying. Maybe it was seeing the "before" pictures with the words...

Please stop by bridgetownbabymomma and check it out. She has a great blog that I have really enjoyed reading. I know you will love her!

One amazing woman...

Everyone...


I would like you to meet Elaine.



Elaine is my mother-in-law.


She is gorgeous...



She is goofy...



She is a wife...

She is a mom...


She is a grandma....


She is amazing...


And she could use some prayers.


Thank you!