Today is one of those days...

Today is hard for me. I am just being honest.

You see, I have never done "normal" when it comes to pregnancy, so "normal" is hard for me. Isaac, who was conceived via fertility treatment is as "normal" as it gets for me. Even that felt surrounded with interventions. I had multiple ultrasounds - usually because the doctor couldn't find Isaac's heartbeat. If I ever wondered if things were okay with him, I just said something - and the doctor would order an ultrasound. I had a total of 7.

Every other pregnancy after Isaac has ended with no baby. My pregnancy history is not great. Most days, I do okay. But days like today - when it seems that Satan has a grip on my heart - I really struggle. Every twinge scares me. Every ache makes me question. This isn't a fun place to be. I am grateful that I know it will be short lived.

This time, as bizarre as the whole thing seems, it appears that everything is going perfect. My midwife found the heartbeat at 10 weeks - which is relatively early. I have had typical symptoms; an 8 week ultrasound to confirm dates - but other than that, there have been no sneak peaks. It's so opposite of Isaac's pregnancy. I keep thinking, "if I could just take a look..."

I am kind of at that strange point in pregnancy where I feel great (no more morning sickness), my belly is getting bigger - but I don't feel baby move yet except those fun little flutters that happen here and there. I am ready for some bigger movements to help remind me "hey mom. I am in here..."

I say that now - but I also know there will be nights, when I am exhausted and the very thing I am asking for will keep me awake for hours.

So today, I am just trying to make it to tomorrow when I can wake up and start over again. Yay for do-overs! I guess we all have days like this....