Scaling the Wall

This is a hard post for me. I honestly never thought I would be writing it. It's funny because I thought I was doing okay... until last night....

Today, I will work out with my new trainer Grant for the first time. I am sure he is great. He comes highly recommended and he works at the gym at my work, so I can get my training in on my lunch breaks. I am so fortunate for that. I really think that will help my schedule. I am sure that Grant will make me work hard, and I am sure I will see results. I also know that he's not Dan.

Even though I don't write about him all the time, I know that what I do write conveys to you how important Dan has been in my journey to getting healthy. I think I have also successfully conveyed to you what a good, patient person he is. Trust me - you have to be patient to deal with me!

Last year, Dan and I along with Debbie and our friend Matt did the Winter Pineapple Classic together. This is a 5K run with obstacle course. Here is a picture of me scaling the climbing wall during this race:

You can see my head peaking over the top, and Dan sitting on the wall talking me through it. Scaling this wall took me forever! I didn't realize how high up we were until I was up there. Once I was straddling the wall, he had to keep talking me through it. When I finally got down the other side, all of the people patiently waiting for me (see, I told you patience is required when dealing with me) cheered. Maybe they were cheering for me. Maybe they were cheering because it was finally their turn. Who knows.

This picture is so representative of where I am at today. I have lost 103 pounds! I have climbed the wall. I have made it over and I am just about to touch ground. I have done it all with Dan's help. But this where I move on. I am grateful that natural circumstances have helped facilitate the end of my time training with Dan. Now it is time for me to take what Dan has taught me, and finish this for myself. Today, I will show Grant what I am made of. I will show Grant that I am strong and determined and he will know that I had a good teacher.

I will never be able to look back on this part of my life without thinking of Dan. There aren't enough words to express how grateful I am to have had the opportunity to train with Dan. More than that, to be friends with Dan. I hope he knows I am proud of him. I am proud of the choices he is making. I am proud of the ways I have watched him grow. I hope he knows my world, and my life is better, because I knew him.

What do I Know of Holy?

This song stops me in my tracks every time I hear it. Listening to the words, I can't help but acknowledge how much I just simply get in the way. Who do I think I am? Seriously? Like I could ever do it better than God. And yet, daily, hourly, I think for some reason that I am in charge. This song reminds me of how small I really am, to a God who is bigger than life. Even though I am speck, He hold me in his hand none the less... I have added the song to my playlist...the haunting sound of her voice makes it even more powerful. Enjoy!

What Do I Know of Holy?

By Addison Road

I made You promises a thousand times

I tried to hear from Heaven

But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too small

I never feared You at all No

If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?

Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about

How You were mighty to save

Those were only empty words on a page

Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be

The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?

Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

everything went fine...

So, last night was my first counseling session. I am seeing a counselor that was recommended to my by my doctor - and man is she impressive. If you are curious, you can check her out at www.ginaguddat.com. The picture on her website does not do her justice! She has quite a resume, and I know she is more than qualified. But beyond that, she made me feel SO comfortable and safe. It was so refreshing. I am not really sure what I was expecting from last night - but it was fairly anti-climactic, which is how the first session should really be.

Gina had some fantastic thoughts for me. I defiantly have to unpack them a little bit - and once I do, I can't wait to share.

Something funny that happened last night: when she brought me up to the room - she had this cute little sitting area set up with a wicker love seat, arm chair and a stool. She told me to pick whichever I was most comfortable in. The love seat was my preference - but I didn't pick it because it was facing the wall covered in mirrors (this room is also where she teaches yoga.) I chose the wing chair because it was bigger than the stool - but after a few minutes, I couldn't stand it anymore. I really wanted to sit cross leg but didn't want to see myself in the mirrors. At that point, I proceeded to rearrange her furniture so that the love seat was no longer facing the mirrors. She was great (took a lot of notes...that could be bad.) At any rate, I felt right at home and proceeded to talk her ear of for the next 55 minutes!

Thanks for all the prayers...they worked!

Counseling is available...

Tonight. I am nervous and excited. What will she think of me? Am I normal? Don't answer that.

Please pray. I need to be open and honest and receptive.

I will upate you later.

Thank you.

feeling a little lost...

So, you may have noticed that my last few posts have been nothing special. Alot of surface, blah blah if you ask me. In the future, if you see that from me, you should know it's time to pray. My desire for this blog is to help others. To be accountable to what I have said I would do. Posts about Great Wolf Lodge and Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream do nothing. I have wondered a few times, if more people would read, follow, write comments if I write about something less sensitive. If I fill my blog with subjects that don't make people think - will they find it more enjoyable to read?

Unfortunately, I can't do that. It's not real to me. I know that there are times when people skip my blog because they don't feel like dealing with themselves. When they purposefully don't click on mine because they are afraid that I might say something that is real to them and might make them aware they are hurting. Here's the thing - I will NEVER be like that. I say what is on my mind and heart ALL THE TIME. Maybe that's not always good - but it is who I am. Dan has always said that when he reads my blogs, he can hear me saying the words I have written. That folks, is the reality of Jetta.

I believe that when your heart is ready to receive - you will click on my blog. I want readers. I want lots of readers - but only when they are ready. It took me a long time to get ready to share. I know that what I have to say matters to SOMEONE. Maybe it's just me that it matters to. Not really sure - and I can't really care.

The last few posts have covered up the fact that I was hurting and struggling. It was big, and I am still formulating. It will be written about - in God's timing because it is relevant. God is good, His mercy endures forever. AMEN!

I blame Deana...

I am madly in love with Tillamook's Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream. Seriously, if you haven't tried it - don't. You will become an addict. If you already are an addict - my heart goes out to you.

In my opinion this is simply the best ice cream ever made. There are these gigantic ribbons of peanut butter swirling through rich, creamy chocolate ice cream. It is the most delicious combination of flavors. The peanut butter is just salty enough...

Can you tell I splurged today? I totally blew my diet today and to be honest, I blame my friend Deana. I blame Deana because she introduced me to this perfectly scrumptious evil creation. I blame Deana because...well, because I can.

Brave girl...

To be honest, I had never heard of Brave Girls Club at all until my cousin Lissa went to Brave Girls Camp. At first, when I looked at her pictures - I didn't think much of it. Sure it looks gorgeous there, and Lissa obviously had a blast, but it wasn't until I read one of Brave Girls Club Facebook posts that I realized that Brave Girl Camp is something I HAVE to do. Now it seems like the perfect ending to this journey that has shown me that I am BRAVE, WORTHY and STRONG. I was reading the Facebook posts to my hair gal last night - and each one brought tears to my eyes.

The tricky part for me is that I really struggle with doing anything special for myself. If I finally splurge, I usually feel guilty and think of all the other things I could be doing with my time or money. I need to work on that. Everyone deserves a splurge - especially us hard working mommies.

Brave Girls' Club is a phenomenal ministry. If you haven't yet - check it out at http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/ - you will discover that you are inspiring.

Anyone want to go???

PS. I hope I am not breaking some sort of blog etiquette by writing about this. Also the pics are taken from the Brave Girls Club Facebook page. I'm just sayin...

"H" is for Help...

Alot of people ask me - "how do you fit everything in?" That, my friends, is a great question! I do work full time in downtown Seattle. I have two kids, a husband (who is the same as a kid) and a exchange student from China. I have all the same responsibilities as everyone else, and as you know I fit in a couple hours of work outs just about everyday plus training for my marathon which takes many hours. Since family time is a requirement -the first thing to go is sleep...who needs it anyway right?

Here's the real answer though. I have HELP. My mom and my mother-in-law help me a ton with my kids. With the kids come the parties, play dates, cub scouts... Ask anyone - I used to throw phenomenal parties for my kids with handmade invites, gorgeous cupcakes and fantastic goodie bags. These days...I have HELP. The cookie at the top of this post was made by my friend Rachelle Chavez at Sugar me Sweets (check her out on Facebook). They were delicious! She packaged them adorably and they were a huge hit!

Last year, for my sons 7th birthday - my friends at http://www.pixyprintlane.com/ made these invites -

I think they turned out perfectly and even though it cost me a little more money - it freed up the time I needed to be with my family.

It was hard at first for me to let go of these kind of details. I love to throw extravagant parties. I love to spoil my kids and their friends. But I have to pick my things. Thank goodness for all you creative people who help make my life easier! What would I do without you???

Let's be real...

While we were on our little get-away this weekend, I got to spend some time at the spa. This quiet time alone, gave me plenty of time for my mind to run wild. Fortunately, things didn't get too crazy in this little head of mine, instead I was able to stay fairly focused.

I spent most of the time thinking about my first counseling session - which is coming up on March 24th. Naturally, I am pretty nervous, but I am excited as well. I want to be healthy, not just thin. In my quiet, alone thinking time, here is what I thought about. When I was almost 300 pounds and essentially eating myself to death, how come no one suggested counseling then? Now they are nervous that I might exercise too much and get too thin, so I had better get some help? Seriously?? My issues with food have existed almost my whole life. All I have done now is traded one eating disorder for another.

I think it is easier to call obesity a medical issue rather than an eating disorder. To throw some medication at it and call it good. Here's the deal. If you eat to console, soothe or calm your nerves. If you eat because you are happy, sad or anxious - the reality is there is something going on inside that needs to be dealt with. You can ignore it if you want. I sure did. I have spent the last 18 months thinking that if I was determined enough, strong enough, stubborn enough, then I could win this battle. The truth is - I can win this battle, but I need help.

I wish I had started this part sooner.

What I want to say is...if you are overweight, and you are wanting to lose weight and get healthy, I know it's hard to get started. If the gym scares you and you aren't quite ready to count calories. Start here. Start with finding someone to talk to. Someone who can help you define you relationship with food. JUST START. Don't wait. I can practically guarantee - that if you can get this part started, the weight loss will follow.

Now, if you are a person who is like me and lost weight already, take a minute and be 100% real with yourself. In the privacy of your heart and mind. In the quiet of your home, examine your place in all of this. If you think you want help - just ask. If you are like me, you have invested time, energy and money into getting healthy. Finish strong - and make it count.

We can so do this!

get-away

This weekend, I will be enjoying some time away with my 3 favorite people. We are headed for The Great Wolf lodge tomorrow. I have heard awesome things about this place. I can't wait to see for myself.

The kids are so excited. Daddy is excited - and to be honest, I am excited. I am excited for time with my family without a bedtime or a list of things to do. I won't be going to the gym, or counting my calories. I don't need to clean the house or do the grocery shopping. Isn't it amazing how many things we "have" to do. All of the errands that take time away from the people that matter the most to us. This weekend is all about my people. I CAN'T WAIT!

I hope you all have as much fun as I plan to. Happy weekend!

Happy Birthday Hope!!!

On July 4, 2004, Chad and I found out we were pregnant. We were cautiously optimistic because we had been working with a doctor who thought she had figured out the reason we had lost so many babies. With the exciting news, we took Isaac, met up with some friends and watched the fireworks down by the water.



4 days later, I lost the baby. My due date would have been March 11, 2005.

While I dealt with my loss, not too far away from where I lived, a woman learned she was pregnant too. She didn't want this baby and was prepared to abort. The babies father talked her out of it. This woman struggled through the whole pregnancy. She struggled with a drug addiction, alcohol addiction and even attempted suicide just days before delivering a perfectly healthy baby girl.

Hope was born on March 10, 2005.




The irony of my due date and Hope's birthday has never escaped me. It still to this day gives me goosebumps. THIS was my baby, my little girl. The one He was preparing me for. She didn't come as I had planned. It was never what I had imagined, but now, I can't imagine it any other way. She was created for our family. Pure and simple. Praise God!


Happy 5th Birthday Hope!

Long Road Ahead

One of the things I would say is a requirement if you are interested in losing any weight at all - and to keep it off is to make sure you have a great doctor. Check in with them regularly. I love my doctor. She is healthy and fit - and I would NEVER hear her say "don't smoke" and then find her outside on break lighting up. She is a fabulous example for me.
I have checked in with her every couple of months since the beginning of the journey. She is the one who has set my ultimate goal, and she will be the one to tell me when I am finished. I have always enjoyed my appointments with her. It has always felt more like we were friends.

Last week was one of my check in appointments. We went over my diet (she loves the CLEAN diet by the way...) talked about my exercise, my training, my ankle that has been bothering me. We talked about everything really. I felt like the appointment went well, so I was surprised at the end when she handed me a business card for a therapist and recommended counseling. It took me a few days to process what she told me next.
To some extent the process of losing over 100 pounds requires and almost insane and obsessive commitment to excise and calorie reduction. Losing over 100 pounds takes such a long time that the obsessing easily becomes ingrained in who you are becoming. When you have a stubborn control freak like me, and couple it with the insane obsession of losing over 100 pounds - the end result can easily be an eating disorder. My doctor thinks that has happened.

It's so hard for me to write this. I didn't mean for this to happen. I only wanted to be healthy and now I feel like such a gigantic disappointment. Especially to those of you who don't know me.
The important thing to know - is that I did call the counselor she recommended. It will be good for me to talk to someone and learn how to live a normal life once I have reached my ideal goal. My doctor does believe that with the help of a counselor and the support of my team, I will be able to complete this journey and go on to have a healthy relationship with food. That is what I want. I don't want to gain the weight back, so I am going to have to be taught how to live after the diet. I have lost too much time with my family - and my friends to not go to counseling and ensure my long term success.

Nobody likes counseling... I will probably need a Costco pack of Kleenex. This is going to be hard in a different way, but I am going to do this even though its a long, tough road ahead. I would appreciate your prayers...and I so thankful for everyone's support. I need it now, more than ever.

March 3, 2010

It wasn't what I had expected. I had anticipated the excitement, joy and pride I would feel when I finally got to this place. I'm not sure why my expectations were so high. I didn't anticipate that I would feel "normal." The same way I felt every other day - but that's what it felt like. In fact everything was normal that day.
When I got on the scale, the numbers flashed. I did the math and realized - I had lost 101 pounds. This was my milestone. I had been counting down.

I kept it a secret all day long. I didn't talk about it, I didn't think about it until my day was over and I was wondering why I wasn't talking about it. Why didn't I tell my husband, or my best friends. Why didn't I tell my sister or my trainer...all day long, I just kept it to myself. It bothered me a little that I didn't want to share my accomplishment. Was I disappointed? I sort of wonder if I had thought that the scale would throw confetti at me or something. As if this stupid machine had any clue at what I have accomplished. There was no confetti.

It's March 4th now. I am ready to share. I have decided that it felt good to keep that secret to myself for a day. To look back on what it took to get to this very moment. I am okay that there was no party or drama (or confetti) when it happened. It reminds me of the morning my son was born. When no body knew except Chad and I that he was here. That moment when the secret is bigger then all of us. When it is so exciting you feel like you might explode, but the joy is just as big and you feel like keeping it all for yourself. That was my March 3rd 2010. I have decided it was perfect.

I do think the scale that throws confetti is a great idea. Any investors?

The Toe Ring Story

In 1999 my husband and I took our first trip to Vegas. While we were there I got toe rings. It was a set of 3 (one eventually broke) and they were very plain. The had no design, they were not adjustable, just plain silver rings. I loved them! With my toes painted, I thought it looked adorable. I wore these toe rings FOREVER. When I say "forever" - I am not kidding. Everyday for 11 years, I wore these toe rings. Since they weren't adjustable, they did not come off easily, so I just left them on all the time. Even if it wasn't comfortable, or my shoes made it awful...the toe rings stayed on. Until now...

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.

I am training for two races. A half marathon on April 11th (oh my goodness) and a full marathon on June 26th (that's right, I AM crazy) and while I was doing an 8 mile training run, my right ankle started to hurt. It started hurting on mile 7, and it didn't hurt bad enough to stop, so I finished up the 8 miles. As the week progressed, my ankle didn't seem to be getting any better, so I went to the doctor. She confirmed that there was no specific injury and suggested Physical Therapy as an addition to my training regimen.

The morning before my first PT appointment, I noticed that the 2nd toe on my right foot was numb and kind of achy. I thought this was strange, even stranger when that pain began to spread throughout my entire foot. As I was driving to work, I began to wonder if the impact from running had caused me to injure my toe, which in turn caused me to injure my foot, which in turn....well you get the picture. Anyway, that night I had my husband remove my toe rings. Sure enough, not only was my toe injured, it was completely deformed! At some point, my toe had broken and had started to heal around my adorable toe rings! Seriously???

Needless to say, I am done with toe rings now. The damage done is enough to make training for my races near impossible. I am determined though - I will complete these two races. I guess I just need to adjust what my expectations are. At this point, if I crawl across the finish line - I will consider it a victory!