Just as I suspected...

I did not win this week. I am not sure what was wrong with me this week. I was completely exhausted! I was in bed before 8:00 pm (so before my kids even went to bed) two nights this week. On Thursday my puppy had to go to the vet, so while she was there I took a 5 hour nap. Also on tap last week was a root canal. My favorite! I usually take Valium before going to the dentist (I really am that scared) but I needed to go back to work - so no Valium for me.

Here's what it comes down to for the week:

A ton of

and a lot of this

Does not work out so well on the scale. I must say, I am not nearly as disappointed as I thought I would be. Clearly, I needed the sleep. This is a new week and I don't intend to write posts about weight gain again any time soon. Here are the numbers:

Last weeks weight: 180.8

This weeks weight: 182.0

Total weigh gain: 1.2 pounds

Happy Memorial Day to all of you. Most of us have an extra day at home with our families. What a blessing. In your day, please take a moment to pray for the soldiers and their families who have given so willingly and lost so much so that we can live as we do.

Who do I think I am???

Last night, I was having trouble falling asleep. I had a lot running through my mind. The fact that I took a 5 hour nap didn't help either. As I was laying there (listening to my husband make the strangest snoring noises) I was thinking about something my BFF said to me last weekend. We were setting up for our garage sale and she commented that the way I look now seems so normal. She has always thought of me this way...to her, this transition seems so natural.
I am glad that my friends didn't seem to notice that I was fat. Once upon a time there was one friend who did.
I don't speak of this often. Only a couple of people know this story. Years ago I was part of a moms group and of the group, four of us became particularly close. As time went on, the moms group ended, but the four of us remained friends. In an unfortunate circumstance, my friendship with 2 of these ladies ended. One of them never spoke to me again, and the other gal ended things by sending me an email that hurt me to the core. I responded politely, and in the end we wished each other well. I will never forget the words in that email.
I fought it then, but now I know, what she called me on then was exactly right. She saw the absolute hatred that I had for myself. She saw it manifest itself and she saw that is was seeping into my life and the lives of everyone around me. My hatred was destroying me. It was destroying my marriage, and if it had continued, it would have destroyed my kids. She was right. If you ever read this... YOU WERE RIGHT.
Although this journey may seem to be about getting skinny, it's not. This journey is a search for me to find something I like. For me to find something to be proud of. I don't want to hate myself the way I used to. It's not about being thin, but rather about not looking in the mirror and feeling disgusted.
I am not trying to have a perfect body. I am trying to finish what I started. I am trying to look in the mirror and feel good.
Who do I think I am? Who do I want to be? How do I want my kids to see me? How do I want my husband to look at me? This is what I am searching for.

To my friend who wrote the email... I get it now. Thank you.

Age is just a number...

That's a saying we hear alot. It struck me this week after a conversation I had with my Aunt on Saturday.

My Aunt and I were talking about my weight loss. I shared with her the goal weight of 160. I explained that my doctor had decided that was a good goal weight for me. My Aunt nodded knowingly (she is adorable)and then asked me how much I weigh now.

There was a day, when that was rude to ask. You never ask a lady how old she is or how much she weighs. That's what we teach our kids right?

The reality is, my weight is out in cyber space for anyone to know - whether they care or not. So I answered..."180."

She gasped. "You still weigh that much?!"

Seriously?

"You don't look like you weigh that much..."

Again. Seriously??

Fortunately, when I started blogging, I left my super sensitive feelings at the door.

What does 180 look like? What does 286 look like? We all know what it looks like for me -but those fairly random numbers will look COMPLETELY different on each and every person on this planet. I am 5'6". I wear 180 much differently than someone who is 5'2".

So this is my point. I doesn't really matter what the scale says. Just like age - it's really just a number. Go for the weight that represents the very best you... and then wear that well.

It probably wouldn't hurt to learn a lesson from my Aunt... Love her to pieces but REALLY???

Going Shopping...

I have to say. Knowing that I have to tell y'all my weight Monday morning, is a HUGE motivator to me. I sort of dread it all week - but as it approaches I realize just how thankful I am to have this sort of outlet.
Let's get right to it.

Last weeks weight: 182
This weeks weight: 180.8

Weight loss: 1.2 pounds.

I will take it! It was a rough week. SUPER stressful at work so I found myself eating convenient items for the sake of time. I have learned how to make good choices - but these convenient items are pretty typically crammed full of sodium. Couple that with it being that time of the month for me (sorry to any guys out there...) and it definitely makes it tougher.
I did have a couple of fantastic workouts. 6 weeks after breaking my foot, I am easing myself back into running. It felt so good! Not sure that I can get back to where I was before the break - at least not in time for the marathon in a month - but I sure am going to try.

I am going shopping with my mom and sister on Friday. I need to get a few things for summer. I am planning on having an excellent week so that I can feel great trying on clothes....

I hope your week is excellent too! Thanks for reading!

I am dreaming...

Of this...


and this...


with my favorite people...



I am tired. I would like to spend all day here...

We all have our dreams...

Monday- May 17, 2010

Well here we are. Monday. I was dreading this day all week. It was an interesting week. Very busy and very stressful. I was working on cutting sugar out of my diet and found that I replaced the sugar with a whole lot of carbs. Because of my busy week I also ate things with a lot of sodium. I did work out 6 days this week though, so that is definitely good.

I was surprised (pleasantly) by the scale this morning. I will say that normally this amount of weight loss in a week isn't optimal, but I do think it's a little skewed. I think when I weighed in last Monday I was retaining a little water, and losing that water is what is inflating the weight loss this week...

Not complaining, just explaining...

Here it is:

Previous weight: 185.4
Todays weight: 182.0

Total weight loss: 3 pounds!!!!

Have a great week!

Win the Week

With my new accountability plan, I am trying to shift my focus a little bit. I have spent the last 19 months obsessing day in and day out about what I eat, how much water I drink, how many calories I burn exercising. That obsessiveness is part of what got me down 100 pounds to begin with.
As I refocus a little bit, and try to learn to be "normal" again I have decided that it is important to let go of the constant scrutiny of my calories. It's time to learn to live with my new self. My motto going forward is:

WIN the WEEK.

I am a woman, I have hormones. I am a mom, we eat at McDonalds. I am busy, I need fast meals on the go. I am human, sometimes I need a break. So rather than beat myself up emotionally when my day doesn't go the way I want, I have decided that what really matters is that I Win the Week.
It's completely okay to go to greek food with my BFF and enjoy a margarita - as long as I don't bring those margaritas into tomorrow with me... I have the knowledge and skills I need to adjust my diet and exercise to accommodate what life throws at me.

I am excited because I feel like this is the beginning of a really healthy way of living for me. I can see a relationship with food developing, and I am thrilled because it isn't abusive. I still wake up every morning as determined as ever - but I can see the end now, and believe it or not, I am excited for Mondays when I post my progress. I am excited to see if I did in fact - win the week.

See you Monday!

See a Difference?

We just had our family pictures taken a week or so ago. I was getting kind of tired of only having fat photos.

We have this amazing photographer - his name is Sean Hoyt (check him out at http://www.monkeytreephoto.com/). We have used him for years - our whole family has.

It has been a couple years since our last photo session with Sean - and I thought it would be interesting to share some photos from both sessions. Here a some pictures from 3 years ago - 1 year before I decided it was time to lose weight.

I am particularly grossed out by the one of me and Isaac cuddling on the bench. Just the sheer size of me... My eyes watered up when I saw these again. It's amazing to me how squinting my eyes were.

Here are our latest pictures. While I still have a few pounds to go, I am sure you will see why I am proud of what I have accomplished.

Accountability

Okay...so here it is. I eluded to my new accountability plan in my last post. I have stayed away longer than usual because I was mentally preparing myself for this post...

I have decided to take a break from working out with a trainer. While my work pays for a nice chunk of it (I am so blessed) they don't pay for all of it. Chad and I have some very specific financial goals for the next year - and this just doesn't fit into those goals. Secondly, as summer approaches, and the weather gets nicer, I have realized that I don't want to have to go to the gym at a certain time. If it's sunny and my kids want to go to the park - I don't want to have to say "sorry, mommy has to go to training." Finally, Chad is trying to work out more, and I want to be supportive of that. He has supported me for almost 2 years and he deserves the same in return. If he wants to go work out - then I should be able to be flexible enough to fit that in.

What it really comes down to for me is: If I haven't learned enough to lose the last 25 pounds - then I have wasted my time and money.

So, I am going to finish on my own. But not really on my own - I have so much support. I have created, with this blog a support system, and even if you don't comment, I know you are reading. The accountability this blog gives me is a gigantic reason why I will succeed! Here's my plan:

On Mondays - I will weigh in and I will post my weight so you can see my progress. AHHHH!!! I think it's good though. It's a big motivation on the weekend to know that I have to post on Mondays. You can hold me to it. If you don't see my post on Monday - comment on that please. This will happen every Monday until I have lost the last 25 pounds.

I will update my blog to have a ticker of some sort but for now:

Weight on Monday May 3rd: 186.8

Weight on Monday May 10th: 185.4

Loss of 1.4 pounds.

By the way... isn't that saying on the photo perfect??

A Drug Like no Other

This is my addiction. While it is not as deadly as some other recreational drugs - it is all consuming. It controls me. It impacts me. It has changed me.

My drug is sugar.

Some of you may laugh. Some of you may not understand. Some of you may not be ready to accept that you are also an addict.

This is not a joke.

Look at how much sugar looks like another drug we know of...It rocked my world last night when I realized that a pile of sugar does not look that different from a pile of cocaine.

I need an intervention.

I am beginning to think that sugar is more dangerous. Cocaine is a secret. Sugar is crafty. It disguises itself well in happy treats like ice cream, cotton candy and m&m's. It's in my coffee every morning. It's at my kids birthday parties and weddings and sugar surrounds me at work.

Sugar follows me everywhere.

Sugar might not have the immediate affects that other drugs might have - but in the long run it is deadly, debilitating and all consuming. Trust me... I am consumed.

I need help.

I need counseling - oh wait! I'm already in counseling. Thank God!

I need help.

Will you help me? You might have to be harsh, demanding or flat out mean. I need it. This has to go. It is sabotaging all of my best efforts. I give you permission, to do what is needed. I give you permission to say the hard stuff.

I don't have to like it - but I do need to beat this.

Energizer Bunny

One of the things I struggle with - is the ability to know when to stop. I could literally eat - especially candy or ice cream (sugar is my drug of choice) all day long and never know when to stop. I told my doctor that it is as if I don't have an "off switch."

Most people get full, or start to get a tummy ache or SOMETHING that tells them it's time to put the candy down. Not I. I just keep going and going and going... kind of like the Energizer bunny. In fact, I am fairly certain we are related.

At any rate, I have started noticing tummy aches when eating things that aren't good for me. I know it's fine to have a few of something... At first I was annoyed with the tummy ache - until I noticed that pattern and the fact that it was making me want to stop eating whatever I was munching on.

It's almost as if - after almost 2 years - I am slowing growing my off switch.

Won't that be nice???