Friday, May 28, 2010

Who do I think I am???

Last night, I was having trouble falling asleep. I had a lot running through my mind. The fact that I took a 5 hour nap didn't help either. As I was laying there (listening to my husband make the strangest snoring noises) I was thinking about something my BFF said to me last weekend. We were setting up for our garage sale and she commented that the way I look now seems so normal. She has always thought of me this her, this transition seems so natural.
I am glad that my friends didn't seem to notice that I was fat. Once upon a time there was one friend who did.
I don't speak of this often. Only a couple of people know this story. Years ago I was part of a moms group and of the group, four of us became particularly close. As time went on, the moms group ended, but the four of us remained friends. In an unfortunate circumstance, my friendship with 2 of these ladies ended. One of them never spoke to me again, and the other gal ended things by sending me an email that hurt me to the core. I responded politely, and in the end we wished each other well. I will never forget the words in that email.
I fought it then, but now I know, what she called me on then was exactly right. She saw the absolute hatred that I had for myself. She saw it manifest itself and she saw that is was seeping into my life and the lives of everyone around me. My hatred was destroying me. It was destroying my marriage, and if it had continued, it would have destroyed my kids. She was right. If you ever read this... YOU WERE RIGHT.
Although this journey may seem to be about getting skinny, it's not. This journey is a search for me to find something I like. For me to find something to be proud of. I don't want to hate myself the way I used to. It's not about being thin, but rather about not looking in the mirror and feeling disgusted.
I am not trying to have a perfect body. I am trying to finish what I started. I am trying to look in the mirror and feel good.
Who do I think I am? Who do I want to be? How do I want my kids to see me? How do I want my husband to look at me? This is what I am searching for.

To my friend who wrote the email... I get it now. Thank you.


  1. I can't believe how much I *get* this post and how much I *get* you...I do read every single post and cry at most of them. You are so transparent and I am so very encouraged. I am not nearly brave enough to be so public about this struggle/journey. Thank you. Love the music, too:)

  2. Thank you Rene. That means so much to me. Transparency is pretty scary, but I feel like this is what God has called me to do. Thank you again. It's comments like yours that help me keep being brave.


  3. Your post makes me think deep inside.... finding answers... Thank you for sharing... it does help others!