Scared to look...

Ever since I wrote the "stalled out" blog - I have been thinking alot about some of the mental / emotional reasons that may have helped with the stall out. This may not be the only thing - but what I have realized is this...

I am really scared to look.

It's like my body (the one I am working towards) is this huge mystery to me. I have never been smaller than I am now. I have no idea what I look like smaller - and quite frankly -I am freaked out!

What if I don't like how I look when I am done?

Next year, Chad and I are renewing our vows in Hawaii. I REALLY want to wear a strapless dress for the "wedding" and a bikini (board shorts with a bikini top) on the beach. These are great goals, and I have more than a year to accomplish them - but what if I do all this work, and still can't wear a bikini or a strapless dress?

While I get that my looks and size don't determine who I am as a person, a mom, a wife and a friend - I have to be honest and say - that will be a HUGE disappointment.

Ugh.

Stalled Out...

Okay...it's time to 'fess up. I have officially stalled out on my weight loss. A couple of major things have happened the last couple of months to cause the stall out. I have hesitated to write about this because I am not entirely thrilled with how I handled the first of the two situations. I have decided though - that moving forward, I am going to step up my transparency and share more details going forward. I will explain more about this later. For now - here is the scoop.

Remember that super fun, super relaxing family trip to Great Wolf Lodge back in March? Yeah... not so much. 1 hour into our stay - my back went out rendering me unable to do anything other than sit around. No water slides for me. I was miserable. I couldn't walk or stand up straight. Every time I moved the muscles in my back would spasm. I was so bummed out about missing the fun time with my hubby and kids.

When we got home, my attitude only got worse. I was so depressed - and as I used to, I turned to food to make me feel better. I ate and ate and ate...it was awful. After a few days of eating everything in sight, I felt so guilty that I stopped eating entirely. Not good. My back took the better part of a couple of weeks to heal, and here I am almost two months later - wishing I had handled myself better.

I eased back into exercise and training for my half and full marathons, and on April 11th I ran in a 12K to see if I had lost any ground.
I was thrilled with my race (as you probably read) and I spent the next couple of days excited about where I was at. Until...my left foot started to hurt. It hurt pretty bad - but I have this ridiculous pain tolerance, so I went about my normal routine all week including a 10 mile training run on Sunday. My foot hurt the first part of the run - but eventually it went numb, I got into my running zone and I felt great. That is until I stopped running...then my foot swelled up so much I thought it was going to explode out of my shoe. I sat in my sisters car and wept.

Kara offered to take me to urgent care - but because I am super smart - I chose to go home and ice it instead. I knew something was wrong when I got up in the middle of the night to go potty - and I fell because my foot wouldn't hold me. Grudgingly, I went to the doctor the next morning and wouldn't you know it? Broken! SERIOUSLY???

So here I am, the second month in a row with an injury that changes everything. My rescheduled half marathon has to be rescheduled again, and the full marathon seems totally unrealistic. It's hard though, because I was so focused on that goal for so long. I have worked so hard and I really wanted that accomplishment for myself.

I am happy to say - that my attitude during this injury has been the complete opposite of when I hurt my back. I am trying hard to remain positive and focused. I can still make progress if I make the right choices. Depression is such an easy place for me to visit - I just don't want to do that again. The story is much cooler with a positive outlook. I want my story to be inspiring, and happy - and while there will always be tough moments, I want those tough moments to teach me - not set the tone for my life. I can't control the healing process of my foot - but I can control my attitude and how I handle it.

This is my story to write.

I Would Die for You...

I love this song. I heard it for the first time on my ipod at the gym. I wanted to skip over it at first, because it doesn't really have the pep I like to hear to help me through my run - but something stopped me, and I ended up listening over and over and over...

I love this picture. It haunts me... So many things, so many emotions...

I Would Die for You

by Mercyme

And I know that I can find You here

'Cause You promised me You'll always be there

Times like these, it's hard to see

But somehow I have a peace, You're near

And I pray that You will use my life

In whatever way Your name is glorified

Even if surrendering

Means leaving everything behind

My life has never been this clear

Now I know the reason why I'm here

You never know why You're alive

Until you know what you would die for

I would die for You

And I know I don't have much to give

But I promise You I will give You all there is

Can I possibly do less

When through Your own death I live?

No greater love is found

Than of those who lay their own lives down

As sure as I live and breathe

Now I know what it means to be free

Excited!

This is a picture of my lunch these days. Come to think of it - this could also be a picture of my dinners as well. There's not a lot of variety in my food right now. While the meal in general looks yummy - when this is what you HAVE to eat, it's the last thing you WANT to eat. I know you guys know what I mean.

Even though my food doesn't excite me... here's what does:

I am just inches away from being a size 8. I have NEVER in my entire life been a size 8.

I am just weeks away from accomplishing my goal.

I feel AWESOME! I feel healthy and athletic.

My attitude is positive - which is more than I can say about where I was at this time last month.

I feel generally excited to start each day - to plug away at my goal. I am excited to see what I can can accomplish.

So you see... I am okay with food that doesn't excite me. That's not really it's intended purpose anyway. I can see that I am starting to remove the emphasis from food, and beginning to put it where it belongs. On my family, my friend, myself and my God.

Food Ideas

I have had some more requests for ideas of what to eat when trying to lose weight. I am currently trying to get back in the habit of tracking every little thing I put in my mouth. It's a habit I got out of - but I am reminded what a valuable tool it is for holding myself accountable. Here is what I am eating this week:

6:00 am

coffee with cream

egg whites with pico de gallo

whole wheat english muffin with strawberry preserves

9:00 am

greek yogurt with raspberries ( I LOVE greek yogurt! Super high in protein!!!)

12:00 pm

1/2 cup brown rice, 4 ounces PLAIN chicken breast, asparagus

3:00 pm

sugar free jell-o, apple

6:00 pm

1/2 cup brown rice, 4 ounces tilapia (seasoned with lemon), large handful of green beans

9:00 pm

sugar free popsicle(s)

The sugar free jell-o and popsicles are a new addition to my menu. My trainer has given me permission to basically eat as many of these as I need to satisfy my sweet tooth. The jell-o only has 10 calories per little cup and the popsicles only have 15. WAY better than any candy - no matter how low cal they say they are!

The battle of good and evil...

It's a scene depicted in movies, TV shows and books. The angel and the devil - pulling the poor, confused person upon whose shoulders they reside - back and forth, back and forth. The unsuspecting human shouldering these bickering figments of their imagination - knows that the angel is right - but the devil has such influence.

Welcome to my world.

I am sure I am not alone - but when the proverbial devil is winning, it sure does feel lonely. Here was the conversation this morning:

Devil: Why are you even trying to run 10 miles? You can't do that...

Angel: of course you can do that - you ran 7.6 last weekend.

Devil: Whatever - 10 miles is way further, and what are you wearing? YOU can't wear spandex running pants.!

Angel: Of course you can wear those - that's what runners wear. Just think - a year ago those pants wouldn't have even fit you.

Guess who won?

These two fought the whole way to the track. It starts to make me feel crazy. Like the inside of my head is filled with 14 conversations, and everyone is talking at once and everyone is yelling, and I can't actually tell whose voice I really want to hear. Eventually, the devil ends up yelling the loudest.Even though I know - deep down that he is wrong - this devil of mine has lived on my shoulder for a really long time now; alot longer than the angel has. It's so much easier to just default to what the devil has to say to me. I have believed the devils words for so much longer. Plus isn't is always a little easier to believe the bad stuff than the good.

I guess I should feel encouraged. I am pretty sure I haven't been aware of my angel until recently. I am glad she is there. I hope I can start listening to her more. The other one is such a b*@#h!

I have this friend...

I have this friend...

she is beautiful

she is kind...

My friend makes me laugh so hard - sometimes I forget to breathe.

I have this friend...

she is spontaneous

she is laid back...

My friend is so many things that I am not.

I have this friend...

she gives big

she loves big...

My friend takes my breath away.

I have this friend...

she takes care of her family

she takes care of her friends...

My friend takes care of others, even when others don't take care of her.

I have this friend...

she loves Jesus

she loves me...

My friend makes my heart so full, sometimes I think it might explode.

This is my Alyssa.

Important Race

This weekend I decided to run in the Seattle Seahawks 12K. For those of you who don't know - 12K is 7.6 miles. Also, for those of you who don't follow football - the Seahawks are our professional football team. I am not a star struck person - but put me around a couple of professional football players, and I can barely contain myself! Here's a picture of how I feel before seeing football players:

I am training for my half marathon (now scheduled for Mother's Day). I knew this race would be a good indicator of where I am on my training. I wasn't sure I would be able to run this whole race. I tried to tell myself it would be okay if I walked part of it - even though I know I would have been disappointed if I had. Here's a few cool things about this race:

1. I DID run the whole thing.

2. Not only did I run the whole thing - but I shaved 9 minutes off my previous time.

3. There were football players handing out water along the way (sigh).

And most importantly,

4. This was the first race my husband and kids have ever come to.

My kids were so excited and proud.They ran alongside me when they had a chance. If I had any thoughts of walking that race, they vanished as soon as I saw them. Chad was proud too, but for some reason he always seem to already know I can do these things. Wish I was that confident about myself.
Anyway, the countdown to my half marathon is on. Less than one month away... I suppose Chad knows I can already do that one too...

I am so blessed to have the most amazing group of women to run with. We all run at different levels - but our support of each other is unwavering. These ladies make running so much fun!I love you ladies! Thank you for everything...

Sticks & Stones....

"Sticks and stones may break my bones - but words will never hurt me."

WHO wrote that? Are they out of their mind? Why did our parents teach us this little diddy? Because in my world - the words are killers for me. Words are so powerful that with their presence we can permanently damage someone, but their absence can be just as painful.

This week, someone called me "fat." This person is not significant to me. He doesn't have a place in my world - not even a little. And yet this word, this adjective, this insult that he threw my way has had me reeling for most of the week. I am trying to make it not matter - but it's out there, and the reality is, I still see "fat" when I look in the mirror so the fact that someone else said it... Even without validation, truth or justification - it still stings.

Equally this week, I am needing some validation, some praise, some encouragement. Partly to counter balance the "fat" comment and partly because I am a girl and I need to hear I am loved. I need to hear I am good, determined, feisty. I need to know that I matter.

It might seem cliche - but say what you need to say to the people you love. Don't assume you have unlimited time. Even if you do have a lifetime - there will never be any harm done in letting the people around you know how they affect you...why they matter to you. INVEST in your friends and family. The return will always be abundant.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones - but words will never hurt me."

I won't be teaching this to my kids...

Everything has a place...

and for that matter - every person has a place. We are surrounded by people almost every minute of our day. Those people have, no matter how large or small, an impact on our world. Something I have been thinking about alot lately - is whether or not I have the right people in their proper place. Honestly, the only people who I think have remained consistently where they belong, is my kiddos. Their significance, and impact has always been substantial.
It's easy to allow friends, co-workers, acquaintances (insert various relationships here...) to steal one of those coveted top spots. While I do believe that people are put in our world for a reason, I am realizing how important it is to place those people around me in relation to where "my people" already are. Does this make any sense? The people with influence should be in layers of sorts. For instance, my inner layer - the people closest to me - should really only be Jesus, Chad, Isaac and Hope. Everyone else - should function secondary to them.
The other element to this confusing thought of mine, is how important it is to not try to put someone else in a spot that should be otherwise occupied by someone else. For me, a good example of this would be my relationship with my mom and my mother-in-law. My relationship with my mom has always been a struggle. When I married Chad, it was so easy to allow my mother-in-law to fill the place that was meant for my mom. Now don't get me wrong - my mother-in-law is one amazing woman - but trying to make her fit in my moms spot, will ultimately fail for everyone. The best thing I can do, now that I have realized this, is to accept my relationship with both women - as challenging as they may be - and just let them be. Forcing something that isn't is like trying to put a square puzzle piece into a spot meant for a circle.
Eliminate the confusion. Acknowledge your people - and learn from them. God hand picked them just for you. It may be easier said than done - but something tells me that once it's done - things will be alot easier.

Fueled by Frustration

Last Friday I was having a particularly frustrating day. Nothing specific really, just basically I was lame. It was one of those days that I probably should have just gone back to bed after the first few mishaps. Ever have one of those days?

It wasn't a particularly good food day either. On my way to work I had to stop and get donuts for the birthdays in my group. At lunch I ran errands with a co-worker and we ended up at Dick's Drive In for lunch - and I already knew that I was having a girls night at The Melting Pot. Holy Cow!

After lunch, I continued to get more and more frustrated by my seemly endless stupidity. Seriously? How did I manage to ever land a job??? As I was frustrated, I realized that the frustration fuels my need to eat. I am happy that I noticed it because I was able to take a second and analyze it. I knew I wasn't hungry because I had basically just finished lunch. I also knew that I wasn't craving anything in particular. What my frustration made me want to do, was the actual motion of putting food in my mouth. I wanted a little pile of something that I could continuously pop into my mouth. I wanted the pile of little somethings to be never ending AND yummy although I really didn't care if it was salty or sweet ( I am typically a sweet person myself.)

Fortunately, I didn't have anything. I popped a piece of gum and tried to get back to the business of being lame. I haven't stopped thinking about what appears to be my way of self-soothing myself. Obviously, I have spent years comforting myself with food. This has to end. Food isn't meant to comfort me. Temporary lameness does not mean I need to consume hundreds of extra calories. Now...if I could just find something I can do instead of eating when I have that urge.

Any ideas???