I had a lot of time to think this weekend. Not sure why this weekend was different than any other - but there was quiet time and my mind was going non-stop. In this quiet time, I realized that I don't know much about myself. When I look back on my life, I noticed that I did a lot of things out of obligation. I got married young (19)- so I had grown up responsibilities. I had babies pretty young (26) and we all know how that goes.
I also noticed that I DIDN'T do alot of things because of my weight. Either out of laziness or embarrassment. For instance, I have never been dancing. Too self-conscious. I am kind of curious...would I like dancing? I have never been hiking - too lazy. Would I like hiking? I have always missed out on things because I was afraid. Not sure what I was afraid of - but I have lived with a great deal of fear. My best guess is the fear of rejection or failure. I love to sing - would I like Karaoke or would they boo me off the stage?
As I was processing all of this, I realized that it seems like everyone has a "thing." Chad loves to ski and bike and play video games. My friend Debbie dances everywhere she goes. Even at boot camp she dances between stations. My friend Alyssa LOVES to scrapbook. Lissa is all about decorating; Carrie bakes. But I am wondering, when everything is stripped away. When the obligation and fear are gone, what's my thing? What do I do?
I asked Chad this morning what I like to do. Sadly, he couldn't answer either. WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME??? I started to panic. I mean, if I don't know and my husband doesn't know...
Fortunately - he also assured me that I would figure it out, which I think puts me right smack dab in the middle of a season of rediscovery. Kind of exciting...really. But also a little overwhelming. I feel like I am starting at the beginning.
I have a blank piece of paper and I get to pick whichever color I want. The picture can be of anything at all. The end result...a self portrait.
As I was processing all of this, I realized that it seems like everyone has a "thing." Chad loves to ski and bike and play video games. My friend Debbie dances everywhere she goes. Even at boot camp she dances between stations. My friend Alyssa LOVES to scrapbook. Lissa is all about decorating; Carrie bakes. But I am wondering, when everything is stripped away. When the obligation and fear are gone, what's my thing? What do I do?
I asked Chad this morning what I like to do. Sadly, he couldn't answer either. WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME??? I started to panic. I mean, if I don't know and my husband doesn't know...
Fortunately - he also assured me that I would figure it out, which I think puts me right smack dab in the middle of a season of rediscovery. Kind of exciting...really. But also a little overwhelming. I feel like I am starting at the beginning.
I have a blank piece of paper and I get to pick whichever color I want. The picture can be of anything at all. The end result...a self portrait.
Posts
WoW.
ReplyDeleteI have often wondering what my "gift" was.
Nice to know I'm not all alone in my thinking.
I have no doubt that you will figure it out.
How exciting that you can begin the search to find something that you will LOVE!
ReplyDeleteI started oil painting classes today. I've never taken any kind of painting classes before and it's just such a fun thing to try something new. Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't but it feels good to try!
That really is cool! I admire that because I already KNOW I can't paint! I leave the artistic stuff to my hubby!!! Have fun...
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post I don't feel alone anymore. Corey often asks me why I don't have a gift or a hobby. And we both know why. I'm too scared of everything in life. Something I'm trying hard to fix.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Gretchen
You like to be there for your friends and people in general really...especially when you're delivering their baby. You light up when you talk about this... :)
ReplyDeleteI do LOVE to deliver babies~! Very true... :)
ReplyDelete