I am a planner. Anyone who knows me - knows that I am most comfortable when everything is planned out and goes as planned. I am not necessarily thrilled about this characteristic of myself, but I am who I am.
Today, something happened to me that totally through all my plans out the window. I wish I could share in more detail - but I can't yet. All you need to know for now is that instead of going with the flow, instead of trusting God and staying calm, I freaked! I need to be candid (that is my purpose here anyway right??) when I freak out, my first reaction is to eat. I wish I could say that today was as victorious as the day at Starbucks when I stared the pumpkin loaf down and won. Today wasn't that day. Today, the fat girl won. After consuming many handfuls of chocolates, I of course felt awful. Chad and Dan were disappointed in me. I was disappointed in myself. I cried when Chad tried to hug me. When Chad asked me why I was eating, I said "because I am still a fat girl. I am a fat girl hiding in a size 10 body."
Here is the truth. For me, being overweight is more than the physical condition of my body. It is the condition of my heart. I can't explain it. I don't understand. I clearly have a lot of healing left to do. Everyday is different for me. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could understand. I wish I didn't have those moments when I felt absolutely defeated. I wish I could write every single post - and have it be happy and inspirational. I suppose, I actually could - but that wouldn't be real. That wouldn't be me and it wouldn't be fair.
This isn't a quick, short term battle. My food addiction is my battle for life. Every day I will have to chose to be victorious. Sometimes, even that won't work. Sometimes, I don't feel capable of the victory.
The thing is - I can look back and see the days that I was victorious and I know I can get there again. I can look back and see that the healing has begun, and every day I get a little closer...
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He holds you in the palm of His strong, capable hand ... and never ever lets go ...
ReplyDeleteYou are human. Let youself be. One set back in a year full of victories is like dropping a $100 bill when you are a millionare. It counts, but it is not going to break the bank. You are a sensitive human being, treat yourself gently. You deserve kindness and love not only from us, but from YOU. I love you. You still had a victory today- you recognized a pattern, identified it, and now you may move on. God teaches us through our human selves; handfulls of chocholate and all. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember you dropped a $100 bill, but you still have millions!
ReplyDeleteHFH
Thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate that fact that people like you are brave enough to share so that people like me know we are not alone.
ReplyDeleteJetta you are so precious. You know what's cool about reading your post today, it was obvious that eating the chocolate, for the wrong reasons, doesn't have a place in your life anymore. Everything about it felt wrong to you. That is a victory. Can I just add, that you looked positively radiant and Gorgeous in the wedding photos! Breath taking! I'm really proud of you. Don't ever believe the lie that you are a fat girl hiding in a fit body.....You are a beautiful radiant person who used to hide in a bigger body not the other way around. You rock girl! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThank you! This morning when I woke up, I was able to change my attitude and start over. I also went to the gym last night and asked Chad to throw away all the chocolate. :) While my instincts to eat happened initally, my new instincts kicked in and the episode ended alot sooner then it would have before. The old Jetta would never have gone to the gym or asked for the chocolate to be thrown away. I definately see that as progress!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely progress there. I know I've said this before, but I think you are writing my biography for me! I can relate to you on so many levels that it is pretty crazy.
ReplyDeleteSO glad you recovered quickly and moved on.