I have never been a particularly thin person. I was always into sports, so I was healthy - but not small. It bothered me my whole life. My arms were muscular from swimming. I remember being teased in 7th grade for that. My boobs were always big. Don't even get me started on that!
I remember relying on food for comfort for as far back as I can go. I suppose I could blame specific events for that dependency, but at this point in my life, there really is no value in placing the blame. That ownership, ultimately has to come back to me regardless of which boy I blame, which fight with my mom I recall, which loss I suffered. The truth of the matter is that I ALLOWED food to have a place of authority in my life. I allowed it to comfort and control me, and that my friends is what ultimately lead me to this place.
In January of 2008, Chad and I started a "Biggest Loser" contest in anticipation of Spring Break in Arizona that April. The final weigh in would take place once we all arrived in Arizona, and the prize was $100.00 ( one winner per gender...) Chad and I are both extremely competitive, so we were very determined to win. We went out and bought a scale for the first time in 12 years. Chad weighed in first at 285 pounds - which at 6'5" isn't great - but not that bad. Now it was my turn. Now, I knew I was overweight, but I was not prepared for this! When I stepped on the scale, I weighed in at 270 pounds! At 5'6", I was only 15 pounds less than my husband. Now, Chad and I have been together a long time. We have seen each other through many embarrassing, challenging, vulnerable situations. But this??? This was mortifying.... but as it turns out, it was also motivating.
From that moment on, I was determined. Not only was I going to win the biggest loser contest, but I was going to change my body, my life. I was going to work until my body was something it had never been before.
So, here I am. Down 90 pounds... but I can't see the finish line yet. There is so much emotional healing yet to do. I can condition my body all day long, but if I don't heal my heart, it will have all been in vain. This is the hardest part. This requires vulnerability. It requires stepping out and sharing my hurts. It means I have to take ownership instead of placing blame. More importantly though, I have to let my friends love ME - and I need to learn from them, so that one day, I can love myself that same way...and then cross the finish line.
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Beautiful, Jetta just beautiful. BTW I am totally addicted to your blog- maybe I will read it instead of eating when I am bored, sad, tired...
ReplyDeleteOh Jetta... I love this post. You are opening your self up to the blog world and I'm so inspired by it. Look at how far you have come since that day!
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting here with tears in my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine that your heart felt as heavy as mine did when
I stepped onto the scale on January 4, 2010. That was the most difficult reality moment for me. You are right, healing ourselves
is essential. I have a long way to go with that.
This is something that I have recently realized, I have to take responsibility for gaining the weight that I so desparately need to lose. It started because of something that was done to me as a child and I chose food for my comfort and hiding place and as I grew up I chose it as my lover and friend because it seemed to never let me down and it always made me feel so good. Now it's going to end because of something else, because I am not that victim, I am victorious over the control food has over me. I am not going to let it win. I am saying goodbye to the controlling relationship it has over me and I am embracing it as a way to nourish my body.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you continue to find healing in your heart.