Monday, January 18, 2010


Today is one of those days that I warned you about in my very first post.

Today, I am fighting myself and my demons more than I am fighting the food.

Today, I can't help but wonder if I will ever see the person that others see. I feel like I am fighting a battle I have no chance of winning. I can't understand what Chad sees, because I have never looked in mirror and seen someone beautiful. Today, in fact - while trying on my bridesmaid dress, I don't see how my arms have gotten smaller, I just see how big they still are.
The mental aspect of losing a large amount of weight takes so much longer than the physical part. For instance, when I go shopping for clothes, I still pick out the largest size available, assuming that is what I will need. My perception of myself is lagging behind. I wish it would catch up. While I can completely acknowledge that - it really makes this harder than it need to be.
I wish there was an easy fix for this part. It would be so much easier that way. To trim the fat from my body and the crap from my heart all at the same time. I really do think, that maybe I am worth liking. Maybe I am actually pretty. And even though all that matters is what is on the inside, I guess I just want to know what it's like to feel pretty on the outside too. I wonder if I ever felt that way. I don't remember. I know I felt pretty at my wedding. Was that really the last time? Oh jeez...
I can make my body do anything I want, but my mind is whole different story. Exercise makes me physically tired. This battle makes me emotionally tired. Exercise makes my body hurt, the emotions make my heart hurt. Today, I do not feel brave or strong. I feel lonely and scared, but tomorrow is a new day - so I will try again.


  1. Even though you don't see her yet ... she's no longer hidden and will surprise you with her beauty, grace, love, inspiration, joy ...

    I'm so excited for you in this journey. Love you my dear friend!!


  2. I try to think of it one day at a time.
    Not every day will be easy or happy.
    Sometimes I can't even think ahead more than an hour.
    I hope that today is a better day.

  3. here is the thing that gets me. You are able to put into print the feelings that I am pretty sure every woman at some point and time has felt, in some degree, but maybe not able to articulate. Wow. The way you compare your physical feelings to your emotional feelings is just brilliant. Thanks for your words today.