Friday, January 8, 2010

Looking in the mirror.

At my biggest point, looking in the mirror was absolute torture. When I looked, like actually looked and examined myself - the amount of disgust that I felt made me truly want to vomit. It made me angry, embarrassed, ashamed. It made me feel worthless, stupid not to mention ugly. In fact, looking in the mirror was so horrible, that I don't actually own one. Sure, I have the one above my sink in the bathroom, which obviously, I must use to put my make-up on, but there are no full length mirrors in my house, and there hasn't been for many years. In fact, the last time I remember purposefully owning a mirror was when we lived in our first condo in Edmonds which we moved out of in 2002. The mirror did not make the move with us.
My issues with mirrors was a source of frustration for my trainer. Turns out, all those mirrors at the gym aren't there to torment people like me, they actually have a purpose. Dan would want me to look in the mirror when I was doing certain exercises so that I could check my form and see what the muscles should look like when they are working. I just couldn't do it. One day, we had to do some of my weight training in the group exercise room which has floor to ceiling mirrors around the entire room. Since I had to keep my head up for the lifts, I was basically forced to just stare at myself in a million mirrors. I cried through the entire exercise. When it was finally over, Dan just hugged me.
A few weeks ago, while I was training, I realized that this time I was purposefully watching my form in the mirror. I noticed that Dan was smiling, and I knew that he got it too. It's still hard, even down 90 pounds to look in the mirror. I still see so many flaws, so much left to fix. It still might be a while before I look in the mirror and see someone amazing, but for now, I am happy with looking in the mirror and not seeing someone that disgusts me. Maybe one day I will even own one.


  1. I can totally relate to this, Jetta. I cry when I have to look in the mirror to get ready to go out- and it is not even a full length mirror. In fact the one in my bathroom is one of those 3 door medicine cabinets and sadly, I know just how to angle the mirrors so that I look ok and can actually make it out of the house. :( The one I hate the most is at the hair dresser. I am setting there like a huge lump in a cape with a huge face and I think "What am I doing here? How can a cut or color mean anything when my face looks like that?" It is really sad. Thanks for giving me hope and inspiration to do something about it. BTW- I look forward daily to reading your blog :)


  2. I can hardly wait for the day when you can see the beautiful, strong, amazing woman we all see ... I love you!!!

  3. Jetta,

    The words jumped off the page and hit me with right in the face... I have battled with weight my entire life and the mirror has always been my enemy too. 4 years ago, I had lost 30 lbs now that may not seem like alot but to me it was huge. For the first time, I was able to look in the mirror and love the person I saw... It was amazing.. But after 2 1/2 years, I let the stress in my life take control, again. So, I am back to hating the mirror.. Today, you challenged me to find that girl again. Thanks

  4. I can feel your pain through your words. You've worked so hard. It will be quite the day when you want to go out and buy a three way mirror because you look so amazing. Keep on keepin' on:)

  5. I understand this 100%. Like when you get a glimpse of yourself in a store window and you know that it can't be YOU. UGH. I love that you're so open about your journey. You've given me a lot to think about.

  6. Thanks for the cry! I can feel your pain in your words and I can feel my own pain as I read the very words that could have easily come right out of my mouth. Bless you Jetta!