Looking in the mirror.

At my biggest point, looking in the mirror was absolute torture. When I looked, like actually looked and examined myself - the amount of disgust that I felt made me truly want to vomit. It made me angry, embarrassed, ashamed. It made me feel worthless, stupid not to mention ugly. In fact, looking in the mirror was so horrible, that I don't actually own one. Sure, I have the one above my sink in the bathroom, which obviously, I must use to put my make-up on, but there are no full length mirrors in my house, and there hasn't been for many years. In fact, the last time I remember purposefully owning a mirror was when we lived in our first condo in Edmonds which we moved out of in 2002. The mirror did not make the move with us.
My issues with mirrors was a source of frustration for my trainer. Turns out, all those mirrors at the gym aren't there to torment people like me, they actually have a purpose. Dan would want me to look in the mirror when I was doing certain exercises so that I could check my form and see what the muscles should look like when they are working. I just couldn't do it. One day, we had to do some of my weight training in the group exercise room which has floor to ceiling mirrors around the entire room. Since I had to keep my head up for the lifts, I was basically forced to just stare at myself in a million mirrors. I cried through the entire exercise. When it was finally over, Dan just hugged me.
A few weeks ago, while I was training, I realized that this time I was purposefully watching my form in the mirror. I noticed that Dan was smiling, and I knew that he got it too. It's still hard, even down 90 pounds to look in the mirror. I still see so many flaws, so much left to fix. It still might be a while before I look in the mirror and see someone amazing, but for now, I am happy with looking in the mirror and not seeing someone that disgusts me. Maybe one day I will even own one.